Firebreathing
I've been known to indulge in the odd spot of firebreathing now and again. It brings out the exhibitionist in me. And, to firebreath, you need a fuel and my fuel of choice is paraffin (kerosene for you Septics).

Now paraffin tastes fucking awful - which is why I don't firebreath that often - but it also has another major drawback. It's the finest laxative known to man. If you swallow some, it coats the intestine with a thin film of oil which doesn't allow any liquid to be absorbed. This means that everything you eat and drink only has one exit - through the starfish.

So, during one show, I coughed and swallowed a mouthful. Tasted disgusting but I thought no more about it. That is until about four hours later when it's secondary effect made itself felt. So off I trotted to the bog and assumed the position.

It was like an upside down chocolate fountain. As I'd been on the piss after the show, the several pints of beer took the unorthodox exit closely accompanied by a kebab. And if that wasn't bad enough the whole ensemble was followed by the stench of paraffin mixed with poo. Just trust me on this one that it's not a good smell.

Business over I headed back to bed. I must have made about ten steps away from the throne when another convulsion in my guts stopped me dead in my tracks and into reverse back to the porcelain. And there I stayed for the next 24 hours.

The tedium was relived by my GF bring me books and the occasional cup of tea and, I was forced out a couple of times while the GF dropped a load off, but I didn't dare stray far and was soon back on the pot.

Still, it did teach me not to swallow when next I did a show.

And that leads me into the next bit of this tale.

A while after this incident I was doing a show outside a pub. The paraffin was in an old wine bottle and I was swigging this and belching flames into the cold November sky. Things were going well when a drunk staggered up to me and said in a thick Geordie accent:

"What's that yer drinkin'?"

"Paraffin mate - you wouldn't like it" I said

"'Gis a drink" slurred drunk

"It's paraffin mate. It really wouldn't do you much good.."

"Awww - gan on. Giz a swig"

Well I did try to warn him.

So drunk took the bottle from me and took a hefty swig. He swallowed three or four *big* mouthfuls and then handed me the bottle back.

"Man - that's fucking awful!" he drooled and off he staggered into the night.

I'd love to know how he spent the next few days. His arse would have looked like a blood orange.


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 8:44, 4 replies)

six days ago...
i discovered that a wee mouthfull of diesel accidentally swallowed whilst syphoning from the tank of my old van will do just the same as your lovely paraffin. what a revelation!! my 2 favourite moments from the ensuing 24 hours were 1) the diesel, guinness and chilli flavoured burp i did at half-ten that night and 2) the rainbow oil-on-water effect in the bowl after 3 flushes the following morning!
oh, how i laughed!!
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Mon 31 Mar 2008, 11:28, closed)

For anyone doubting the veracity of this tale
Or indeed Legless' prowess as a fire eater, I suggest you head over to YouTube (sorry, no linky).
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 31 Mar 2008, 12:31, closed)

^^^^^^^
Search criteria?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 2 Apr 2008, 16:15, closed)

^^^
'Legless' should do it, I think...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 3 Apr 2008, 12:20, closed)