The Dordogne
Ah, the beautiful Dordogne river, floating downstream with topless girlfriend, past cliffs and castles...

We stop on a small beach to eat our lunch, which is mostly saucisson and camembert. Soon I can't bear it any longer and suggest to topless girlfriend that we should nip into the nearby woods so I can inspect her chest a little more closely.

But in the woods are some nasty little biting buggers, which have a very strange effect on me: they make me want to crap. I'm very quickly distracted from GF's tits and squat in the bushes squirting out semi-solid turds while waving ineffectually at more little biting bastard flies.

As we were canoeing, I'd cleverly worn swimming trunks. However swimming trunks and unwiped bum don't really go together. So I'm left with a very shitty arse. A little further down the river is a campsite, so I run into the toilets, squirt out a bit more poo, then use up all the toilet paper trying (unsuccesfully) to clear arse and trunks.

I waddle back to the canoe. Girlfriend (now tightly covered up top and attempting to hold nose whilst paddling) is treated to the smell of my shitty bum as we float downstream... Eventually I have the bright idea of standing in the water and pulling my trunks down. However the river's only about knee height so it's not very helpful, and I can't bring myself to wipe my arse with my hands.

Finally we reach the end point, where we are picked up by girlfriend's parents who drive us back to the pretty rose covered cottage, asking what the funny smell is.
(Smale is stuffed, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 19:31, Reply)