Foot in mouth plus some Brucie Bonuses.
ME: (in jest) Kids nowadays have no respect, when I've got kids there'll be five across the eyes if they step out of line.
HER: You should never have kids.
ME: C'mon though, seriously, how else are you going to keep them quiet during Countdown?
HER: Really, never have kids.
ME: Jesus, you really love 'em don't you?
HER: My mum used to beat me.

*cue tumbleweed*



Whats black and blue and full of protien?
A rape victim.



Overheard by a farmer at the pub I work at; not that sick, just brilliant.
A:You wouldn't shag her though?
B: Aye, you don't look at the mantlepiece when you're poking the fire.



A mates boss (old woman:) Hey Tom, you know why black kids have them big lips don't you? So there mothers can leave them stuck to the window while they're shopping.



What do you call 1 paki on the moon? Problem
What do you call 100 pakis on the moon? Problem
What do you call 1000 pakis on the moon? Problem
What do you call all the pakis on the moon? Problem solved.



(to be said outloud)
Whats the best thing about fucking 21 year olds?
There's 20 of them.


Whats the first thing you do after having a baby?
You put its nappy back on.


What happens when you have sex with a virgin?
Your banjo string snaps. Apparently.

SEE YOU IN HELL MY FRIENDS
(Daveh, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 17:41, Reply)