Hmmm. Can't be bothered to trawl,
so almost certainly all been told. Thank god I'm too lazy for it to bother me.

1)
-What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a tin can?
-One's used for storing food, the other fucks kids.

2)
-A feller walks into a pub and sees a huge jar of twenty pound notes on the bar.
He orders a drink and asks the barman: "What's all this? Someone doing a charity thing or something?"
The barman replies, "No mate. Local tradition. Put twenty quid in, we tell the three trials, you do all three and you get the whole jar and all the money in it."
Now, there must be three or four grand in this jar, so the guy decides it's worth a go, and sticks his twenty quid in, and asks, "What are the trials then?"
"Well," replies the barman, "First you have to fight big mad drongo there in the corner..." Indicating a huge man apparently made of beef carcasses and metal. "...and you have to knock him out."
"Second, my fighting pit-bull terrier 'nazi' is in the back garden. He's got a loose tooth. Go out there and pull it out."
"Lastly, my old, mad, granny lives in the attic. She's senile, covered in her own shit and piss, and she hasn't orgasmed in thirty years. You have to make her come."
Now the guy, understandably, feels a bit nervous about all this, but decides he may as well give it a go, since his money's on the line.
He squares up to the big guy, and starts dodging, ducking and weaving, sidestepping every lunge until he finally darts in and lands a perfect uppercut, and the big guy's eyes roll back in his head and he drops to the floor, out cold.
Panting, the challenger then moves to the back door of the pub, and steps out. Inside the pub all the locals have gone quiet, listening intently. They hear a few footsteps, then the sound of running paws, and a terrible roar. Over the next twenty minutes they hear a series of increasingly painful-sounding screams, growls, ripping noises, gristly squelching noises, thuds and most worryingly, the sound of something scratching around the back door.
After this, it all goes quiet again, and the guy steps back into to room. He's cut to shreds, missing two fingers from one hand, dirty, bleeding and crying, and he says...
"Right... Where's the granny with the bad tooth?"

Ba-dum-tish.

3)
-What's the difference between your mum, sister and girlfriend?
-I've not fucked your sister.

4)
-How do you know when you've passed out at Graham Norton's house?
-When you go to the loo, blood shit and cum spray from your ruptured anus.

5)
-How do you know when it's bedtime at neverland??
-It's when the big hand touched the little hand.

6)
-What do you do if a Jew spits at you?
-Turn down the grill and step back.

7A)
-What does a qualified circumsiser get?
-A tip.

7B)
-What does an unqualified circumsiser get?
-The sack.

8)
-What's the worst thing about drinking a newborn-baby-smoothie?
-The sound the mother makes watching you make it.

P. Hull.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 19:53, Reply)