hope you've not heard these before

What's blue and fucks old ladies?

Me in my lucky blue jacket

another one!
Whats brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with "C" and with "T", and have a "U" and an "N" in it?

A Coconut!


My Fav
What do you call an all black abortion clinic?

Crime Stoppers!!



did u hear about the reverse exorcism...
...the devil couldnt get the priest out of the boy

told that one on a bus full of girls. needless to say i didnt get any that weekend...

I got a new bactch of viagra eye drops... dont give ya a stiffy but they make ya look hard!!

I took a viagra the other day and it got stuck in my throat...ive been walking round with a stiff neck for days!!

I stole a load of viagra from a chemist.. does that make me a hardened criminal!!

Babies in heaven
Three babies die and get sent to the pearly gates.

St Pete looks at the first little white baby and says "Here are some wings little white baby, you can be a Cherebim" and with that the little baby flutters up to heaven.

St Pete looks at the second little white baby and says "Here are some wings little white baby, you can be a Seraphim" and with that the little baby flutters up to heaven.

St Pete looks at the third little black baby and says "Here are some wings little black baby, you can be a Bat".

Why are smear tests called smear tests?
Women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Why do old ladies not get smear tests?
have you ever tried opening a cheese toastie?

A woman went on a fishing trip with 7 men. she came back with a big red snapper

I used to do a bit of factory work in between semesters at uni. One day the guys were telling off colour jokes when i whipped out the two smear test jokes. turns out i completely misjudged the situation and was met with the most awkward silence i have ever encountered broken only by one man saying "My wife really hates smear tests. they sound horriffic" followed by a 20 minute conversation on the horrors of the smear. i wanted to die.

Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches. One day, after years of suffering, he decides to see a migraine specialist. The doctor tells Joe to strip, inspects him all over, and announces that he’s found the cause of his problem. ‘Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine,’ says the medic. ‘The pressure builds up, and you get an excruciating headache.’ Joe is appalled. ‘Tell me, doctor, is there anything I can do about it?’ he asks. ‘I’m afraid I have bad news. The only answer is to get rid of the testicles,’ says the doctor. Joe considers the pros and cons of a life without balls and sex – but then he thinks about the agony of his daily headaches, and without too much difficulty decides to go for the snip. He comes round from the operation and leaves the hospital. Walking along the street, he smiles as he realizes that the pain has completely disappeared. To celebrate, he decides to treat himself to some new clothes, so he makes his way to a top tailor to get fitted. Inside the tailor’s, he asks to see a pair of trousers. The tailor looks at Joe and says, ‘You’ll need a 36-inch waist, 33-inch inside leg.’ Joe is amazed at the accuracy of the tailor’s eye, and asks for a shirt. ‘That’ll be a 42-inch chest, 16-inch neck,’ the tailor says, and Joe is once again stunned by his accuracy. Finally, all that is left is a pair of underpants. ‘36?’ guesses the tailor incorrectly. ‘No, sorry, I’m a 34,’ Joe says. ‘I’ve worn a 34 since I was 18.’ ‘This is not possible,’ frowns the tailor. ‘If a man of your size wore a size 34, the pants would press his testicles into the base of his spine, causing the most horrific headaches.’
(Donkey Gums, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 15:10 , I like this! )
Daft Racist
What do you call a Paki in a bullet proof vest?




Pting



A man phones into work one monday morning:
man: i can't come in today, i'm sick
boss: what's the matter?
man: i cut up my wife with a chainsaw then raped my 6 year old son
boss: will you be in tuesday?

What's the difference between sick jokes and racist jokes?
nothing apparently

One I made up...
What's the worst thing about your your mum getting murdered on your 18th birthday?

Being tried as an adult.

how do you know it's safe to rape a baby?
easy, it's stopped bleeding from the last time.

What do you call a dog that smells of fish?
Jordan.

Why do all Irish people think they can sing?
because they're fucking useless at everything else.

Whats red and bubbly and scratches at your window?
a baby in a microwave...

oh.

How do you know if a catholic priest is a paedophile?
ask him 2 questions
Are you catholic?
Are you a priest?

Whats the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
you can use a pitchfork on the dead babies...


Why do the irish drink guiness?
because they're too think to know if they're drinking piss.

q) why does the beast know so many sick jokes?
a) cos he has 2 dads


Why do niggers smell?
so you can tell where they are in the dark.

what's brown and sticky?
a stick

Why do they put retards in institutions?
so nobody else has to look at them.

How do you tell if a coon is lying?
He's breathing

What do you call a barman who never stops complaining?
Australian

Why are Pakistan so crap at football?
Because every time they get a corner, they build a shop.

you told it wrong. You're supposed to say it like "Neil Armstrong was the first man to WALK on the MOON, whereas Michael Jackson.... shags children".

slightly out of date but meh
whats yellow and plugs into the wall?

george best
(jonnybignose, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 16:08, Reply)