MESSING WITH THE ORNAMENTS
One of my mates at university was a lovely girl named Kate Bucket Fanny. Kate acquired this name on account of having a vagina the girth and volume of your average JCB digger bucket. And like a JCB, she’d had plenty of builders inside her in her time. Midway through the first term Kate bequeathed my flatmates and I an object of wonder and delight: her knackered old vibrator that she’d ridden to mucky, gloopy oblivion. It was a crusty pink double-handed broadsword of a motorised dildo which leapt and bucked like an electrocuted break dancer whenever one of us plucked up enough courage to twist the base and turned the damn thing on.

It probably had the DNA of half the people in our halls splashed all over it and the remnants of all the best venereal diseases.
We put it on our windowsill between the spider plant and our collection of empty Coors bottles, pride of place, you could see it from the road outside.

Then one night after a particularly heavy drinking session, one of my flatmates, Ian, more pissed than George Best after a liver transplant, appeared in our communal kitchen stark bollock naked. This was alarming. He then staggered over to the fridge, grabbed another beer, and in another jerky, drunken C3P0-esque move lifted Kate’s former best friend from the windowsill.

“Errr, Ian,” said one of my other flatmates, Blackpool Ben.
Ian wasn’t listening. He tottered back over towards the closed kitchen door, revved up the mighty plastic phallus of dread, bent over and wiggled it round his brownstar.

“Err.... Ian... ???”

But Ian just replied in an incredibly drunken slur, so drunk he sounded like he’d had a stroke: “Look at me! Look at me! I’m Kate! Huuh, huhh, huuuh... I’m cumming! I’m Kate! Huhh, hee, hhuuuhh, haa!”

At which point, one of my other mates, Dan, barged into the kitchen, slamming open the door and ramming Ian’s hand forward. Kate’s vibrator, humming and revving like an idling motorcycle, shot forward and disappeared, embedded deep inside Ian’s stinky sweetcorn tunnel. Ian screamed like, well, like he’d just been anally raped. He leapt forward, twatted his face on the kitchen counter and then landed in a heap face first on the kitchen floor, out cold, arms splayed either side, the final couple of inches of the massive though now somewhat muffled vibe doing a little jig buried between his buttocks.

The rest of us just stared.

We waited for Ian to come round himself – it would’ve just been a bit too gay to help our naked, drunk, machine-buggered mate out.

Just far too gay by far.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 13:25, 33 replies)

*click click click*
The description of it doing a jig has me in stitches.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 13:30, closed)

You need to repost
Big Jake. Oh yes.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:48, closed)

Click
Just for the description of the vibrator!!
Well told and hilarious!
(Soy milk supernova has nothing witty to add on, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 16:14, closed)

This is ace!
My insides hurt from the stifling (whilst at work).
Once again: ace.
(i.charlius *Two Ronnies Theme*, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 17:12, closed)

I hope your missus doesn't let you have similar ornaments round your place now
or, then again, maybe I hope she does - click! Funny stuff!
(Lizard King, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 17:21, closed)

George Best
Your simile of your alchoholic friend is superb. It has just the right ring of sarcastic pessimimism and truth.

I can't wait for your book. Please can I have shares in it before you publish, your material is always outstanding.

** Click **
(justin(e), Fri 22 Jan 2010, 3:36, closed)

Hahahahaha
What is it with you and vibrator accidents? I'm terrified to even glance at one of those fuckers now :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 8:12, closed)

vibrator accidents compulsive chinny reck-ons
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:26, closed)

I'm not going to read this shit.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 11:47, closed)

So fucking what?
Like a bunch of old fucking women on here. You obviously live off the oxygen of being a cunt. This is a free website, no ones forcing you to read anything or even be here, so why don't you just fuck off and stop bitching and moaning about everything. Ignore button. Use it. And grow the fuck up, quit the schoolyard bullying mentality and realise this really is a pretty damn pitiful way to spend your time.

Your a negative cunt - Phsycochump, added to my ignore list.

Oh, just one last thing. Fuck off.
(Lizard King, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 11:54, closed)

see what you've written there?
why not apply it to yourself when considering psychochomp's post?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:02, closed)

O! Irony!

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:07, closed)

And it's "You're"
Ha beat you to it Monty ;)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:08, closed)

*concedes gracefully*
PS although you did miss "no ones"
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:24, closed)

Hahaha christ.
That's classic. You negative cunt.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:17, closed)

negative cunt
Nirvanas best song :0)
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:34, closed)

Negative Creep?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:36, closed)

HAHAHAAH
Hey, chompy, did you see what happened here? He changed your name from Psychochomp to Psychochump! I mean, it's almost Wildean in its complexity!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:22, closed)

Actually technically you aren't correct
He's changed it from Psychochomp to 'Phsycochump', the semi literate helmcheese.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:29, closed)

it's a shame that as he is purportedly now ignoring chompy
that he won't see these replies
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:32, closed)

It's hard to type well through a veil of angry tears.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:47, closed)

What chompy said was right, it's a load of fucking bollocks probably.
I bet when he was little he told people he lived in a wendyhouse with a chocolate covered dad who he was allowed to snap his fingers off to nibble on and instead of a car he had a giant slide from his house roof that took him to school.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 14:29, closed)

Reck-on.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:04, closed)

am I going to get laughed at if I ask who that is? ^

(clicks OP for making my boss think I'm choking on a segment of nectarine...)
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:15, closed)

Chinny Reckon.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:19, closed)

Jimmy Hillllllllll.
*strokes chin*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:20, closed)

cheers!
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 16:43, closed)

Liam Neeson :D

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 18:15, closed)

CHINNNNNY RECK-ON!

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:19, closed)

CHINNER! CHINNER!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 15:40, closed)

*click*
I don't care if this is true or not; the line "so drunk he sounded like he’d had a stroke: “Look at me! Look at me! I’m Kate! Huuh, huhh, huuuh... I’m cumming! I’m Kate! Huhh, hee, hhuuuhh, haa!”" had me in stitches and you get a click just for the very detailed mental image I have!
(SpongeGavShitPants, Mon 25 Jan 2010, 23:19, closed)

I have a very detailed mental image
of a giant itchy chin.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 16:56, closed)

CHINNY RECK-ON!
Yeah, I used to do that when I was five too. Are you five? Just face it the silent majority like this post judging where it is on Best Of. Get over it. If you dont like ignore. Just saying.
(Podgirl, Wed 27 Jan 2010, 18:19, closed)