Woody & Verz's dads
Although my pal Verz was something of a teraway as a kid, being raised in an Army family with a very strict Sergeant father meant that he was snapped back onto the straight and narrow pronto once evidence of his misdemeanours came to light. Verz's family are lovely, even if I haven't seen them for years his mum and dad make me feel welcome, ply me with coffee or beer and make sure that I'm looked after like a long lost son.

Now through Verz, I know Woody who was also from an Army family with a sergeant major Dad. Boys being boys, there was some epic examples of piss artistry and moderate bad behaviour, but the moment the line was crossed the mother of all bollockings would ensue.

Aged 17 Verz ups and joins the Army to follow in the family tradition. A few months later he returns from leave with a driving license and a superannuated Ford Escort wearing German number plates, apparently purchased from an RAF pilot. The fact that now Verz has carte blanche to drive like a loon around Ipswich as GATSOs and parking tickets will never be traced goes to his head somewhat when he collects Woody and they screech off in search of some girls to impress.

They chance across a group of unchaperoned and underage ladies sat drinking cider in the grounds of a local school.

In charged Verz, gunning the Escort across the field and pulling a handbrake turn with tortured speakers bellowing distorted Joey Beltram at full blast. Woody is sipping from a can of Stella in the passenger seat shouting something like "Oi Oi!" at the carrot crunching, cider soaked girls.

You can probably see where this is going now, can't you?

Well, somehow Verz lost control of a 1.6 litre Ford Escort and ended up flying off the field and bumping down a grassy verge. Woody spills Stella all over the dashboard and much swearing ensues. The runaway Escort comes to rest at an angle of 45 degrees nose down and less than a foot away from a concrete post. Attempts to reverse up the slope proved fruitless and only resulted in copious amounts of wheelspin.

Woody and Verz sheepishly emerged at the top of the slope to much laughter and jeering from the girls. Being in the age of BM (before mobiles) they saunter off to the phone box to arrange a tow truck. Then disaster strikes when Verz's credit card is refused.

Oh shit. Plan B is quickly hatched.

"Dad, can you possibly loan me some cash please?" Asks Verz

"Why?" asked Verz snr, quite rightly sensing that something is clearly wrong.

"Erm, I need a tow. My car is stuck in a ditch"

"How the fuck did it get there son?" growled snr, knowing full well that girls and showing off had something to do with it.

"I, erm hit some standing water and aquaplaned..."

Verz's dad arrived, paid for the tow truck and made sure that the car was free of damage and that both Woody & Verz made good the school field before lining them up in front of the still present girls (who'd hung around on the promise of free entertainment) and delivered a military bollocking of epic proportions - he was also a serving NCO thus entitled to punish a snotty private in any way he saw fit.

Both boys were stood to attention in a field with sweating palms and a severe case twitching bums while Sgt Verz Snr shouted and screamed.

Now at this moment in time, Woody's dad was returning from shift and chanced upon the vision of his son and his son's best mate stood rigid in a field, a tow truck and Verz snr screaming. Realising something is amiss, he rolls up and starts screaming in sargent major style also.

Both parents took the same side, both parents made sure the damage was made good and of course both miscreants were sufficiently chastised as to ensure that playing silly buggers never happened again.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 9 Mar 2007, 12:21, Reply)