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Godwin's Lawyer tells us: "I once worked with a lad who believed 'Frankenstein' was based on a true story, and that the book was written by Shirley Bassey." Tell us about your workplace dopes.

(, Thu 3 Mar 2011, 15:34)
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Not strictly...
...a work colleague, but a university one (ATT:TENUOS LINK!), had some cracking ones she came up with. You ever had one of those 'friends' who, you don't really like, but they hang around with your group of mates because she's vaguely a friend of a friend etc. Some corkers include:

1) Not knowing where Holland was. More accurately, when asked, she thought Holland was in Germany. And that in Germany, they spoke Dutch.

2) When she had the flu pretty bad, she ended up in hospital. Although not because of the flu. No, it happened to be she was in a lecture and she looked fairly ill. We asked her if she was taking any drugs to combat it, i.e. ibuprofen etc etc, to which she said "No, I don't like to take any". At this point it was more than apparent she was drinking a Lemsip. "How many of those have you drank?" "Since I got up? Oh I don't know, they're good on my sore throat. About 9 or 10?". 9 or 10 in the space of 2 hours. That was a stomach pump. When questioned about it; "Oh I didn't realise they had drugs in them, I just thought it was like a soova or somefink". Luckily no liver damage - although she could drink like a fish!

3) Thought that Wales was a town

4) Was one of these people who said "No I don't get hangovers, I never have!" Yet the day after a massive drinking session would say she was feeling ill and it must be a cold/virus coming on

5) Tried to snort weed. I wish I was kidding. Some mates and I were sat having a few joints and a drink, and she said "Oh, can I have a go?!". Being drunk and stoned we thought, "Shit, why not?". She proceeded to cut out a line of ground green and snort it. What...the...fuck?. Funny enough "No it nevva does anyfink for me"

6) Refused to use Direct Debits as "Cheques are safer"

7) Insisted she was amazing at singing, and so entered local Karaoke competitions. And always lost. And always drunkenly assaulted the bar staff/judges because of them not recognising her 'talent'

8) In a similar vein, she was asked to go for an audition for The X Factor or Britain's Got Talent, one of those awful shows, and we all agreed to go up to London on the coach with her to give her support. Except we got there and nothing was happening. She'd got the timing wrong - by a month.

9) 'Ducked' when smoking. As in, would always say she smoked and couldnt stop etc, except when she smoked, she would take in the tiniest drag into her mouth and breath it out in an exaggerated way, i.e. the way a 13 year old would do

10) Went out with a mate of mine, when he got bored and dumped her, she spent 2 hours dramtically over a local railway bridge threatening to jump because she couldnt live without him. And then slept with his brother later the same day, because she had 'fancied him for ages'.

Apologies for length, I didn't realise I had it in me!

...That's what she said!

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 9:58, 7 replies)
Though I can kind of understand number 1. My french students all thought that Dutch was spoken in Germany. After all, in their own languages,

German = Deutsch
Dutch = Nederlans.

So I can understand the confusion.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 23:50, closed)
You do realise that there's a linguistic continuum between the 2, no? German spoken on the Dutch border is much closer to Dutch than German in (say) Bavaria, or on the Polish border.

Low Saxon is often regarded as a dialect of Dutch in the Netherlands and a dialect of German in German.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 0:06, closed)
My grandma, gawd bless 'er soul, was from near the Dutch border. Hated the Dutch, mind.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 0:30, closed)

indeed i do, and in fact speak reasonably fluent german and know bits of a few of the germanic languages, like dutch, danish and swedish because of my work. However, the describe it as the national language of Germany? hmmm
(, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 9:02, closed)

you know its funny as when i was learning french and german at school, there were a few people who got caught up on this, but, i dont know it just seemed to annoy me.
(, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 9:04, closed)
Good God...
Some shocking stupidity there. I would hate to actually have to be in the company of this person.
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 13:03, closed)

needless to say i did hate it, but, as i said - group of mates, someone likes her so she tags along, and you try to be nice etc
(, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 9:01, closed)

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