Have a heavily roasted Pea
When i was a young pie man i Worked on a building site the purpose of which was to build a new sewage works for a small town. This job was beset by the usual problems but the staff were reasonably competent for the most part and these problems were kept to a minimum.....

Competent that is except the 17 year old chain man. This man was a local and as thick as only a Chav can be. He delighted in playing fucking stupid practical jokes.

Apart from his usual pastimes of standing still and dribbling we found that he was into body building in a big way. Often he would flex his muscles at us after a particularly spectacular session of grunting at weights.

The trouble started when we caught him doing chin ups off a beam in a shed when he was supposed to be working. A bunch of us burst in and found him beaming like a pissed up tramp at a job well done. He had beaten his previous chin up record on the shed roof beam.
This is where yours truly started an epic feud by betting the cretin that he couldn't stand in a steel bucket and pick himself up with the handles. Now I know it is cruel to take the piss out of the mentally challenged but the sight of this bulging veined retard straining like fuck to pick himself up while stood in a bucket and taking the accompanying disbelieving laughter as encouragement has etched itself permanently into the comic archives of my brain. After around 15 minutes and several gasps of "I don't understand it i can do loads of chin ups" the light finally dawned and he understood that he had been had and so commenced a campaign of terror upon his tormentor.

This included but is not exclusive to, hiding my stuff trying to make me late and trying to get me into the shit with the site manager. At one point he threw my £10 special work trainers onto the roof of the portacabin and was astonished when to get my revenge i nailed his £80 Nike air max to the portacabin ceiling.This was worth it for the bemused expression on his gurning mug as he wandered around trying to find the chavvy articles

This ill feeling built up for some time and work on the site progressed. The management had taken the decision to put stuff from the drying beds from the existing shit works between the new concrete structures. This was basically dried shit complete with used tampons/condoms and whatever else is flushed down the toilets that isn't liquid*.

On this fateful day we had gone into our cabin for break as usual. I got out the book i normally read and the can of diet coke that i had brought with me and proceeded to try and transport my mind out of the usual shit hole of work.

I had sort of semi succeeded in doing this when the chain man surprised us all by presenting us with a cup of coffee made with his own fair hands. As soon as i saw this alarm bells started ringing. This dickhead never made coffee if he could help it especially not for me. As a result i studiously ignored the steaming cup of liquid while my co workers all slurped appreciatively.

The chain man was getting more and more agitated and i will never forget the look on his idiotic face when the site manager came into the cabin, saw the unattended cup and drained it in one go (as he usually did cos he was a bit of an arse too). His self satisfied smirk soon turned to a gagging retching noise as he reached the bottom of the mug. It seems that chain man, seeing his revenge at hand had filled the bottom of my mug with crap off the drying beds and topped it up with coffee.

Although the site manager wasn't made ill he failed to appreciate the subtlety of the joke and the chain man was soon on his way to doles ville. I have never doctored food or drink since cos the consequences don't bear thinking about.

* you got a lovely crop of tomatoes about two weeks after laying it down

Length? About a dirty inch from the bottom of a mug?
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 10:38, 6 replies)

oh man, those council estate thickies, eh?
how utterly charming you are.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:13, closed)

Ok
I didn't think that comment through. Apologies for any unintentional offence caused.
I should have added a disclaimer that not all people on council estates are thick. Some however do lack the opportunities for further education that their overprivileged compatriots who go to private school get. This gap in educational equality can also only get worse now the Condems are jacking up tuition fees. Many (but not all) of said overprivileged rich people are also extremely thick too with social and monetary standing being no guide to average intelligence.


Happy now?
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:54, closed)

In response
I am from council stock.
I am not thick.
I know many thick toffs.
I am not offended by this story.

PC is the vocabulary of cowards.

edit:
I like tomatoes.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:22, closed)

I am a man (also from council stock)
Not a coward....
I just get scared by people saying bad things......
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:25, closed)

Meh
It's only the The Talking Dead.
They're at their most dangerous when in packs, there are those that lurk waiting for a passing post or those that actively seek out stories to drag down and devour.
The trick is to keep moving, lots of different posts and don't dwell in one place too long.
:)
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:29, closed)

Clearly I have only read the sanitised version..
... but I thought this was an excellent story.

*click*
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Mon 7 Mar 2011, 17:50, closed)