Stupid musicians
I'm a pro cellist. This means that I get tendinitis from time to time if I'm practising too much. It is very unpleasant, and leads to considerable loss of earnings if it gets bad enough to stop me playing entirely. I am battling with it at the moment, and earlier today I wrote, "Has anybody got any miracle cures for tendinitis?" on my facebook wall.

Now, it has to be said, this was mainly a plea for sympathy rather than practical advice, as I know the practicalities of how to deal with it - rest, ibuprofen, physio, etc. However, I got some pretty "interesting" advice from a fellow musician:

"Yes. 2000mg vitamin C a day for a month. For fastest recovery, you need mobile phone nowhere near your wrist/arm. Never sleep near wifi. And 'earth yourself' by walking around the street/garden in bare feet for at least 30mins a day, preferably more. We dont do enough of that these days as we've been insulatnig ourself from the earth 'thanks to' rubber-souled shoes since the 50s and carpets in houses. Earthing yourself will take away all the excess static electricity. Also never charge your mobile by your head when you sleep. Also buy massive rough selenite crystal (as in 50cmsx20cmx20) and hold it as much as possible. It will take away bad energy allowing your body to replenish with good."

At first I thought that this was a joke and was about to respond with something along the lines of, "Haha, good one, that did indeed cheer me up." However, five minutes on google told me that references to "earthing oneself" and to the healing properties of selenite crystal abound on the web. This is an occasional freelance colleague who I barely know and I still can't quite work out if it's for real, but I suspect it may be.

Wow.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 21:17, 28 replies)

Hahaha.
Tell him you're allergic to selenite crystal, can only tolerate diamonds, and does he have any spares you could have.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 21:33, closed)

Haha!
Good one!
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 21:49, closed)

I suffer like this too
and dream of the day I manage to trick a young lady in to practicing my cello for me.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 21:47, closed)

But wait, there's more!
Now he's messaging me to say that I should have cranial osteopathy. I'd never heard of this and wondered if it might be genuinely useful. Google says NO: www.badscience.net/2004/09/cranial-osteopathy/
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 21:48, closed)

Have you considered going the whole hog and donning a bag of leeches?

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 21:55, closed)

YEUCH!
I am fucking terrified of the horrid things... But of course they, unlike anything else this guy has suggested, actually have proven medical uses.

Not for tendinitis though. Thank God.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 21:59, closed)

Perhaps give him a gentle nudge towards articles by Messrs Singh and Goldacre...

(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 21:57, closed)

Not a good idea...
He is quite an important fixer and I can't afford to piss him off!
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 21:59, closed)

Ah.
Would you like me to delete the comment I posted on your FB to that effect?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 22:05, closed)

Already did...
Totally agree with your sentiments though...
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 22:08, closed)

Also
Currently self-medicating with Teachers whisky (not quite Aldi vodka but close enough) and feeling loads better ;-)
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 22:09, closed)

Groovy.

(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 22:11, closed)

tell him an organic onion up the arse
will cure what ails him
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 21:56, closed)

I'm not sure there's a real cure for being a credulous nincompoop

(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 21:58, closed)

maybe not
but it'll raise a few chuckles
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 22:18, closed)

If a chemically and crystallographically simple substance like selenite can selectively absorb "bad" energy, something is very wrong with basic chemistry and thermodynamics.
Also, it may be worth asking him how exactly a dielectric effect can be generated in the human body just through normal movement.

The worst that he can realistically do is get angry, accuse you of witchcraft, inform the blackshirt papers and rally a pitchfork-wielding mob.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 22:30, closed)

How does this affect Dilithium crystals ??
( Vambo, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 23:09, closed)

I used to go out
with a girl who once criticised me, aged about 22, for not having a 'proper job'.

Her Mum was a 'Crystal Healer'.

She couldn't see my point...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 23:36, closed)

Was she unemployed?

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 23:50, closed)

Funnily enough...

(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 23:53, closed)

Used to go out with a lass exactly like that years ago.
It all came to an end when I reached the end of my tether one day and basically said, "If money's so important to you, why don't you go out and get a job yourself you fucking thick tart?"

Last I heard, she's still on the dole and sponging off someone far more patient.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 0:03, closed)

Ah
in my case she was bright and successful in her own right, but she just couldn't seem to appreciate that there was more dignity in honest labour than in selling nonsense to gullible twats.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 0:10, closed)

In my case it was a naturally short temper combined with being moaned at within minutes of coming home from a 12-hour shift.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 0:18, closed)

Obligatory Tim Minchin reference
If You Open Your Mind Too Much Your Brain Will Fall Out:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBUc_kATGgg

Maybe you could post it to your wall as a subtle hint?
(What Could Possibly Go Wrong? ..., Thu 10 Mar 2011, 0:48, closed)

It's not so much "being open-minded" as "believing in something that openly contradicts 4-5 centuries of scientific research".

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 2:25, closed)

You could suggest ...
corrective phrenology?

My personal favourite quackery.
(Que?, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 2:06, closed)

You should change
to the London Sympathy Orchestra.


Is that my coat?
( Not Pineapple anymore, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 10:52, closed)

O
v g.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 10 Mar 2011, 11:23, closed)