mystery fags
my mate Jane used to work in her dad's off licence, where i would usually sit and keep her company. there was a very seedy pub next door, with many alcoholics staggering into the offy for fags and stuff. there was one particular woman who would get utterly shitfaced by 10 a.m, then come into the shop and ask Jane to make her some rollies because she couldn't manage to make them herself.
one day, Jane and I were in a mischievous mood so, when the old baggage came in asking us to make rollies, we said o.k, but you'll have to come back in about 10 minutes to pick them up. as soon as she tottered off back to the pub, i dared Jane to make her some nasty fags and we got busy.
first, we took some fizzy sugar granules out of the bottom of the penny sweets container. this went into the first fag.
for the next, we put grass in. the third contained toenail clippings. the fourth, salt.
the fifth, however, was our most audacious piece of trickery. we simply took the liquorice centres from 3 of Bertie Bassett's finest, laid them end to end, then rolled a fag paper around them. it was obvious that it wasn't anything you'd want to smoke so, fearing we'd get caught and bollocked by her dad, Jane said that enough was enough and set about making some normal ones as well.
five minutes later, our drunken dupe rolls in, looking for her smokes. we handed over the doctored fags and watched as she lit one. the liquorice one. watching the stinking, oozing black crap bubbling out of the end is something i won't forget in a hurry.
it wouldn't light properly, of course, so she selected another one, which i'm fairly sure was the sugary one. pink sparks aplenty! god knows what she thought was going on. she went back to the pub, muttering to herself, leaving us to laugh until we cried.

length? 15 years and she still hasn't worked out she was trying to smoke liquorice.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 17:23, Reply)