One time I got so upset at the Internet I spent many moons writing a really cutting poem about a man I've never met.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:03, 27 replies)

HE WASN'T UPSET!! YOU WERE!!!!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:04, closed)

Sssh tangles, you're undermining me here!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:19, closed)

I'll be
neutral here but the funny thing is a lot of people seemed to like it and it will end up in next weeks newsletter.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:09, closed)

You say that as if qftw popularity is something to be proud of.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:18, closed)

You're not the only one that thinks like that -
I have made it my lifes work never to be in the newsletter.

(Rory Lyon, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 20:31, I like this!, More)

A lifes work ruined next week :'(
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:39, closed)

Lots of bitter saddo shut ins who take this place to seriously. Rory gives me a hard time too but I find it funny.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:19, closed)

I liked it.
Get over it.
( Ken Oath, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:10, closed)

UNLIKE THE ORIGINAL POSTER WHO SPENT TWO YEARS PUTTING A CRAP POEM TOGETHER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:13, closed)

Perhaps
He was just sick of you Rory.
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 12:33, closed)

If only there was some kind of facility on here to 'ignore' posters whom one doesn't care for...

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 19:11, closed)

One time I got so upset about a poem on the internet by a man I've never met that I started a new thread about it to teach him the error of his ways

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:21, closed)

Once emvee was so upset about being on a council estate that he stayed there for several years getting beat up by the local kids and then posted a story about it on qotw

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:28, closed)

Rory needs his lithium again

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:35, closed)

someone linked it the other day and it's pretty funny ja ?!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:37, closed)

Ooh here it is, the protaginist of the tale shakes with righteous daily mailism

chavs chavs chavs chavs chavs chavs chavs

I wasn't gonna write this one, but I should probably get it out of my system as it will be cathartic. Please bear with me - it's not particularly funny, but I need to vent. It'll probably be a long one, and may contain elements of repostiness, as I probably talked about some of this stuff before.

For a long time I lived on a street in London - the same one as Dr. Crippen, if you can be arsed to check - which was ideally situated (handy for the tube, great pubs, quick walk to Camden, my neighbours were fantastic) except for one thing. As the street had been extensively revitalised by the Luftwaffe's urban regeneration programme during the forties, in the fifties and sixties a lot of council blocks sprung up to fill the gaps. On the whole, this wasn't a problem - my flat was an ex-council place and lovely, it even had a garden, and like I said, fantastic neighbours - but there's always a couple of bad apples that spoil the whole orchard, and they lived in a block just behind mine. So over the four years I lived there I got to witness all kinds of crimes, mostly directed at me, my housemates or the flat itself, as these little scrotes (none older than 15) tried to make our lives a misery. Herein I shall try to document the ways.

It started off innocuously enough, when the morning after I stumbled down to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. Filling the kettle and staring out of the window, I spotted a young chav in my garden collecting tea-lights. Those little candles that I had bought 200 for 99p at the 99p shop - these things cost less than half a penny each. Surely the very definition of petty crime. I banged on the window, shouting "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" and the little bugger scarpered over the back fence. I made a mental note to grow brambles up the back fence, and left it at that.

Other things went missing from the garden over the next few weeks - small items often not worth stealing, like a trowel (also from the 99p shop), a gnome (whatever) and so on. In the meantime our sheds were done over and both of my housemates got their bikes nicked. My housemate Claudia had all the windows smashed in her Audi, which cost her a fortune. Things began to escalate.

The gang of chavs would now often hang out in the street and shout abuse at us. When my housemate Kirsten left her keys in the door while bringing in her shopping, they stole them. When Claudia did the same thing a week later while bringing in her bike (it must have taken about 20 seconds) they did the same thing again. We went through three new locks in three weeks, and the guy at the keycutters was becoming a close friend.

Over the years there were times of uneasy truce - they would pass a spliff through the fence, or I'd sort them out with some serious firewood for the Wicker Man-style bonfires that they held on the greenspace behind my garden, but most often the mood between us was one of mutual and barely-disguised loathing.

I credit them with the inspiration for my getting more right-wing as I get older, because while I was once a fully paid-up lefty, I'd quite happily see these parasites and their dolescum parents marched into a concentration camp after being forced to put up with their shit. A case in point - everyone who lived in my flat had a full-time, well-paid job. We paid £400+ per month rent, plus council tax, plus income tax etc. etc. for the privilege of living in the street. Said chavs are all in council places, subsidised or free. Lo and behold, the council comes round and fits all the flats in the street with new extra-tough double-glazed windows - except for ours and the flat next door, because we were the only private tenants. So basically, our council tax paid for the chavs to get new windows while we were left with old-fashioned huge single-pane-of-thin-glass type windows, which their kids used to come round and break for their amusement. I've lost count of the times we had to board them up - the hammer, nails and wood were always kept handy - and sometimes at night when there were 40+ teenage hoodies outside the flat it was like living through the dawn of the dead.

One bonfire night in particular, I had invited over a couple of my Canadian friends - one who had just married an Englishman - to do a proper bonfire night. I cooked dinner, we had sparklers and we let off a few fireworks in the garden. One of our rockets went up and went bang, and suddenly a chav starts screaming at us from the previously-mentioned Wicker Man inferno across the way. "We've got a baby over here! How dare you let off fireworks!"

Now I was perhaps a little naïve here, I was like, "What? It went up, went bang. Unless your baby is on the roof of that block of flats, there's no problem." Also, from where I was standing I could see toddlers carrying lit fireworks, even a dog running around with a fizzing roman candle in his mouth. I shit you not, this kind of thing was incredibly common in the run-up to bonfire night; even the very smallest chavs would be launching fireworks at each other, or us if we happened to be passing. Anyway, I couldn't understand why our small display had caused this proud father to become so protective of his offspring, considering he was standing in what looked to be a warzone.

Anyway, the mood turned nasty and every single fucking chav on the estate started hurling bricks and fireworks at our flat, putting through Claudia's window and throwing fireworks into her room (she was in bed with her boyfriend at the time). Said boyfriend (ex-army) proceeded to the kitchen to arm himself with every big knife he could find and stormed out to get himself some vigilante justice, but was miraculously prevented from earning himself a 20-year stretch by a passing skinhead with a pitbull who said he'd lived in the street for 15 years and it wouldn't do any good, basically talked him down.

We also had our windows put through by other people's garden furniture and fences - just smashed into bits and thrown. We had fruit, 2p coins, bits of wood, stones, cans, bottles, fireworks, obviously, and even on one occasion a housebrick thrown at us in the street. We've had them sneak into the kitchen and steal stuff while we popped upstairs to get something - twice. We've also had the door kicked in twice, both times I was away for the night else I would have been standing there with a cricket bat, ready to welcome the first chav into our house. On the first occasion my housemate threatened to kill them if they came near the house again so they went and put my car window through instead.

A bit later, and after I'd paid the £50 premium, I bought a "new" car (see below), thankfully still had the old one but was going to retire it. The new car had all its windows put through and then was stolen, apparently by someone else, some time after the original vandalism. I mean, who steals a boxy red 1983 VW Polo with the exhaust hanging off *after* it's had all its glass smashed?

They also managed to infiltrate a house party where they managed to fuck up a set of decks and two stereos and nick a bunch of phones and stuff (discovered later) before refusing to leave, upon being persuaded to leave they tipped over our (gargantuan, shared between four flats) bin all over the front garden. On that occasion we had the last laugh though, as present at the party were the entire staff of both the Good Mixer and the Dublin Castle, who are well-versed in dealing with arseholes, and had been watching from the upstairs window. Fifteen or so burly Aussies and Kiwis burst out of the house and made them pick every piece of rubbish back up again.

There is loads of stuff that I haven't even mentioned yet - stealing a stack of SFX magazines from my car and leaving them torn up all over the street, setting fire to a gazebo and bunting we had for a wedding reception (and which was attached to the flat at the time), smashing up my flowerpots and hanging baskets, stealing a £10 Argos drill (but not the battery pack, the bit that makes it work, as it was plugged in at the time), smashing my neighbour's windows with lemons (wtf?) while she was sitting at home alone, putting shit through the letterbox, stealing post, smashing my coldframe, killing my tomato plants, pulling the drainpipes off the building, crap graffiti, untold verbal abuse and threats, the list just goes on and on and on...oh and they tore down the side of my fence (which I'd had spraypainted by an absolute master of his craft with a massive Batman mural) and burnt it last bonfire night.

And where were the police in all this, you may ask. Well, I got to know all the neighbourhood officers quite well during this time, as well as my equally-harassed neighbours, and every time they said the same thing - "Yeah, we know who they are. We know where they live. There's nothing we can do about it." As they were all under 16 they were still classed as minors, and the police were always quick to remind me that assault on a minor carries a sentence. I asked them if a paintball gun could legitimately be used in self-defence against fireworks, and after laughing they said "No sir, I can appreciate it is tempting, but if they are under 16, you'll still be in the shit." So basically there was nothing I could do except try to photograph the little buggers in the act and email the pictures to the police. The best line I think they came out with was after my car window got broken. They said "You know we have a camera on the street now."
I replied: "Great, where is it?"
They said: "It points down the road there."
I'm like: "Great, that's exactly where my car is parked. You should have it all, can we see the tapes from last night?"
They said: "Er, it's not actually a camera. It's just a metal box on a stick. We can't afford a real camera. But it looks like a camera."
Me: "..."
I installed my own CCTV after that.

So, the moral of the story? I've now been living in Buenos Aires for three months and so far I've not been threatened, robbed or assaulted once. Perhaps it has something to do with the armed policeman who stands on the corner by my house, I don't know. All I know is that despite warnings from my Porteño friends that it's a poor area (many, many times poorer than the place I lived in London) and that crime is high, the only actual crime I've seen here is when my friend got his bag snatched from under a table in a pub in Palermo - one of the most touristy areas of the city. I think I'll come back to London at some point, but the proverbial wild horses couldn't persuade me to live in that area again, I'd rather move in with Pete Doherty.

Length speaks for itself.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:40, closed)

Can you please edit the word "shed" out of that story?
It's ruining qotw.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:43, closed)

I liked bit best where he's highlighted that they stole all his science fiction magazines AND TORE THEM ALL UP !!!!!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:47, closed)

and whats wrong with that post Rory?
Its not funny but it still pisses all over anything you have ever dumped in QOTW
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 12:42, closed)

You're right damnit
it's so good I'll pass it off as my own and I'll god damn win qotw with it.

Cheers mate
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 14:34, closed)

Yes, well done, you can cut and paste from my profile.
You're starting to border on the obsessive. I'd take the meds if I were you.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:44, closed)

you didn't understand my post, perhaps capitals will help
SOMEBODY LIKED YOUR STORY SO MUCH THEY RECENTLY LINKED IT ON OFF TOPIC, I DON'T WANT TO READ THROUGH ALL OF YOUR STORIES OTHERWISE I'D KILL MYSELF
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:49, closed)

Capital letters as well. I'd say you're getting upset.
I think you'd better call mummy, or another grown-up.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 14:24, closed)

To be fair to Rory you are a monumental spaztard

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:58, closed)

To be fair to you, I have no idea who the fuck you are.

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 14:24, closed)

Good.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 14:57, closed)

Bob the Shark Fucker
Lets see
Nothing decent posted so Rory Mark 2 then
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 20 Jul 2012, 12:43, closed)

I'm sure Rory finds you very fair indeed. If you're lucky, you might even get a reach-around - presuming, of course, that his fliddy little arms can encompass your pasty, corpulent frame.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 23:17, closed)