Suicide Is Painless....
I know I've told this tale before - just can't remember where or when.

This wasn't a teenage shock thing. More of a drunken adult shock thing.

Many moons ago I lived in a small town near Manchester. For reasons I forget, I was in the pub one Saturday night and in a bad mood. I think Newcastle had lost or something. Anyway, one guy said:

"For fucks sake stop looking so miserable - or kill yourself"

And an idea was born.

So next night I was in the bar again and, again, I was looking miserable. Only this time I was putting it on and hamming up for all I was worth. Same guy rocks up and says:

"Jesus! - Will you just kill yourself so I don't have to look at your ugly face anymore"

And so I stood up. And, from the inside pocket of my jacket, pulled out a wickedly sharp blade.

"So you want me to kill myself? Always happy to oblige.." and I pulled the razor-sharp knife across the tight, white t-shirt I was wearing.

It was like watching purse being unzipped. As the knife dragged across my stomach the contents spilled out in a bloody mass. I dropped the knife, clutched my stomach and fell, first to my knees and then to the floor.

Panda-bloody-modium!!

There was people screaming, crying and, somewhere, I could hear someone being sick. It was all rather distant to me as I was concentrating very hard on not moving. Then, after about a minute, I couldn't help it anymore. I started laughing.

You see, what I'd actually done was prepare the whole stunt in advance. I'd got a load of offal from a mate who was a butcher. Minced some of it up ( I kept the intestines intact) and added a load of tomato ketchup mixed with water. Then I glued a bag onto my stomach and filled it with all this shit. T-Shirt was safety-pinned to my jeans to keep everything tight and I was ready to rock and roll. Only person who knew was the pub landlord.

Good gag and everyone was suitably impressed except for the police and the ambulance guys.

Cheers

"Rebel without a clue"
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 13:01, Reply)