The Ass
that is what i call him everyone else just calls him Ass (its short for Assad and he prefers to be called Ass)

he is not known for being able to cook at all, such delights have included but are not limited to:

yesterdays stale pizza fried in baked beans

a creation we called the irish abortion, he grated up 2 raw potatoes without peeling them, mushed it all together in a bowl with some flour and fried it until black on both sides

his diet mostly consists of eggs and noodles and for a while he would put a bundle of paprika in everything, i once walked into the kitchen and he was mixing some eggs and roughly half a packet of paprika with a hand blender!it was all thick and a shade of brown only reserved for the most foul of excrement it makes my stomache churn just thinking about it

after buying a few cans of tesco value meatballs and discovering they taste like shite he began grinding them up and turning them into burgers (once again adding flour) and mixing in copious amounts of chilli sauce and Tabasco (including me adding more while he wasnt looking for good measure) before frying them til blackened sadly the flour killed the flavour so he wasnt running for the sink in horror at his over spiced meal

in fact most of last year he had an obsession with burnt food producing such delights as the burnt bread omelette and cooking stuff for at least 10-15 minutes more than needed

this year he has taken to throwing lots of random spices into everything, which isnt too bad but he fries all his food on high heat and spices are supposed to be cooked gently to unleash the flavour instead of turning the kitchen into a gas chamber where breathing is all but impossible

not to mention his mixing food that dont belong together in one pot such as pasta and sauce and smash

anyway to wrap up, here is a picture of aforementioned culinary disaster zone (that i have the joy of living with for 2 years)



Edit: while none of those creations made him ill enough to go out and buy a cook book he managed to poison himself once a couple of years ago with a tuna salad, i told him that the tuna was off (it stank of piss) but he assured me that it was fine as it was john west tuna and only just out of date

cut to the next day when he is too sick to get out of bed

apologies for the size (of his big mad face staring at you) and nothing else bitches, he never apologised for stinking out the entire house by blackening some smoked kippers in a frying pan one fateful evening
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 18 May 2007, 18:01, Reply)