...
Bloody emo, this is ...

One of my favourite quotes from dad:
"We have to love you because you're our child, but we don't like you."
"Your mum cried every month for two years when she got her period, because she wasn't pregnant. Then we ended up with you. Ah, well."

Favourite nicknames from him:
"Torpedo Tits" (thanks, made 'em myself) and "Big Bum Bertha" (the latter when I was anorexic!)

Favourite activities:
- Forcing his six-year-old daughter to down laxatives because she was "fat";
- Regularly beating and psychologically abusing one son because he was ... er... actually, I'm not sure why. Poor bro had to leave home (mum and I helped him, took care packages etc).
- Then, after 24 years, brother has a kid, and suddenly he's the favourite child. The other two of us are the "brave military hero who needs to concentrate on his career", and the "lez in denial who just needs to get married and stop this teaching nonsense";
- Doing the oft-mentioned chain-smoking in the car with the windows up.
- And smoking in bed whilst my mother was preggers;
- Throwing more tantrums than Daffy AND Donald Duck combined, several times a day, usually at 4:00 AM whilst getting ready for a shift, over trivial crap like, "WHO STOLE MY FRIKKING CAR KEYS/WALLET/SMOKES?" (he always left them in the car) then insisting WE moved them;
- Finding ridiculous excuses for punishments. For example, yes, he really DID "chastise" us for breathing too loud. Seriously. The fact that we usually had bronchitis or some such due to his constant smoking didn't occur to him;
- Verbally abusing my mum at any opportunity. He thinks he's too much of a gentleman to hit her, but it could be that she's a small, wiry, ginger Scot who could fuck him up.
- Sending me every email forward that my mates sent me 5 years ago, yet not once emailing a proper note to see how I am. Just tells my mum to convince me to go home.
- Deciding to leave my mum and us because we were all "frikkin bastards" and he "needed to leave" otherwise he'd kill us. Leaves mum with 3 kids under the age of 5, one a few months old, takes the only car, mum hasn't a job or savings ... then comes back hours later and acts like nothing happened. Except to mention it was mum's fault.
- Beating his kids until we were old enough to hit back, upon which we realised what a pussy he was.

Favourite methods of punishment:
1/. "The Big Stirrer" - an ugly, 1970's ornamental wooden spoon, about one metre long. Having an ex-Army alco "tap" you with that is not the best fun ...
2/. The Belt - use the buckle for added, school-absence-causing injuries!
3/. Anything involving the utter destruction of self respect and dignity, delivered verbally within 2 seconds of you entering his presence.

Favourite distance from my father:
How far is North-East China from South-East Australia?
(does that count as a length comment?)
(Celerydemon, Sun 19 Aug 2007, 16:19, Reply)