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This is a question Terrible Parenting

My parents used to lock my brother, sister and I in the car while they went to the pub for a "quick one" after work. This quick one might last several hours, during which they would send bottles of Indian Tonic Water to us by way of refreshment.

On one particularly cold evening, bored stupid, we lit a small bonfire on the back seat of the car using the cigarette lighter and the contents of the glove box. We owe our lives to passing winos. (BTW: Please no more Maddie or Jesus gags, they've been done.)

(, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 9:47)
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This question is now closed.

I'm sorry everybody...
I'm back now...had t' durh some graft 't m' job.

Did I miss anything?

Ah - I see not.

Still not properly back on topic yet
I like the handbag though - goes nicely with my miniskirt and fishnets.

Ah well, I'll go home now and hope that these eclectic paradigms refrain from prevaricating my jejunum.

(I also know some examples of bad parenting you know...)

Boom shanka
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 17:19, Reply)
On the topic of presents...
My friend when we were kids went around boasting that her parents had her the best birthday present ever and it was huge and was in a large box and she was going to love it....

She unwrapped a fibre optic christmas tree. Her birthday is in December. Her response, even at such a young age was "oh..." that tree became a standing joke every time it was brought out for years and years afterwards hehe
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 17:17, Reply)
Capt Haddock
"(and smelling like one into the bargain)."

Would this be an attempt to get back on the farting subject? :D
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 17:07, Reply)
Captain Haddock has been
"separating the wee from the chav" - or have I misheard?

Which is a shame as I was hoping to make the bestest board with my short one.

If I don't, my parents will beat me with onions until I cry. Which won't be very long admittedly.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 17:01, Reply)
Paul Hardcastle track?
Does she have a Wizards sleeve?
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:59, Reply)
I still get teary
When I remember the Christmas I woke early to unwrap my huge pressie and discover a second-hand Raleigh Chopper. It was rusty and had a partially flat tyre. And the back wheel hade been swapped with another bike (that wasn't a Chopper). I realise now that my parents were poor and couldn't afford a new bike. But still...

My first stereo was a second-hand car stereo that my dad screwed under a shelf and rigged up with a home-made transformer to the mains. The cassettes got so hot that some of them partially melted.

This year I got my first new bike (a Trek road bike). I'm 35.

My keyboard is moist with tears.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:55, Reply)
I'm just finishing chapter 12 in Jordan's autobiography
I've got to the point where she does Gareth Gates. apparently she likens it to the sexual equivalent of a Paul Hardcastle track.

Cant wait to read what she made of Peter Andrés cock.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:52, Reply)
I have just made
an elaborate paper fort. My Dad showed me the basics, but this is a true monster and able to be defended by staples from the army of paperclips attacking it.

I love office work.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:49, Reply)
Birthday surprise
My friend was looking forward to his 8th birthday. His parents built him up for about 2 weeks about "the best present you've ever seen". When the day came he was almost beside himself with excitement.
His mum and dad had built a tunnel with sheets, and they told him to walk through the tunnel and this amazing present would be at the end!
So he walked through, shaking with excitement, and at the end there was... nothing.
And his mum and dad pointed at him and laughed, while he lay on the floor and cried.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:46, Reply)
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:37, Reply)
I'm a little
hurt my name wasn't mentioned there...

*weeps like an Emo*
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:36, Reply)
I'd spring to her defense, she wasnt dizzy, she was cretinous.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:36, Reply)
Come on people
By Tuesday everyone is posting boring crap on subject... We skip through it all to find the stuff that Frankspencer has posted, ditto for Rachelswipe. The rest is pure chaff.

A bit of off-piste is what's really required to keep the board alive, I've been laughing like a drain this afternoon (and smelling like one into the bargain).
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:34, Reply)
My old man
's a dustman, he wears a dustman's hat. He wears cor-blimey trousers and he lives in a council flat.

My childhood was rubbish.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:34, Reply)
Dictionary corner
I once worked with a particularly thick girl from one of Birmingham's less salubrious estates who, when talking about GCSE's (which I doubt she could spell), said to me, "English? Oh yeah, I do did that at school", I then called her a dizzy bitch (we had a solid professional working relationship), to which she replied, "I ent no bizzy ditch".

I blame her parents too.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:33, Reply)
And, at last,
The moping has stopped.

Mind you, so have the on topic answers.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:30, Reply)
Captain Haddock
I see what you did there...
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:26, Reply)
I liked him in "Have I got news for you"..
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:22, Reply)
No Frank,
You're not a cunt.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:21, Reply)
Intellectual reading
I read Paul Merson's autobiography Hero & Villain a few years ago. The most startling revelation? He took drugs? He had a gambling addiction? No, he admitted he didn't read broadsheets as, "They contained too many big words".

There's no need for a dictionary when reading that tome though he did introduce me to this, "The place was rubbish as it had no Russ Abbott (atmosphere)".

I blame his parents.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:21, Reply)
What sort of jism was that, again?
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:19, Reply)
rubbed my tadger with a dictionary until I had a neologism.

[Shit, I've turned into Apeloverage]
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:17, Reply)
pierre Schaffer's....
Reduced listening was a real academic delight that kept turning page after page until i got distracted by internet grot
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:14, Reply)
Jordan's Autobiography
Now thats a cornucopia of barely literate ramblings spliced with lewd exploits and rhinoplasty which would have even the sturdiest of readers reaching for the valium.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:13, Reply)
Good reads!
Fermas last theorem - a real page turner.

I finished it though!
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:10, Reply)
A Thesaurus
is a tremendously difficult to eat dinosaur. Whenever you try it spits out synonyms. Synonyms are poisonous to the Thesaurus's natural predators (principally librarians, but authors are also keen hunters of the beast).

However once devoured the Thesaurus is a great aid to bookish types.

Hope that helps.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:03, Reply)
I read a book called "Roget's Thesaurus"
I thought I knew all the dinosaurs, but I'd never heard of a Thesaurus.
I still dont know what one is, but I am ambivolent about its juxtaposition in this literary work.

Or something.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:01, Reply)
will self
why did he not call his son shatme?
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 16:00, Reply)
It's a window into the mind of a tremendously articulate loony!
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 15:59, Reply)

This question is now closed.

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