A well roasted pea
From the "Mums" question.

Mater (RIP) was somewhat of a nutjob, "Proper" Eng-er-lish Laaadyyy. Here are 2 of my faves that always raise a giggle (@ least from me anyway).
I was 9-10ish and having procured my first cig (stolen by a mate off their old man) I went to try it behind the aircon of the place we were house-sitting. The aircon is a big box with a pump inside surrounded by straw-like matting that water dribbles down to cause an evaporative cooling effect as the outside air is sucked inside (but is completely dry when not in use). Mum was inside in the bath.
Halfway thru my first cig (hack, hack cough, cough) my mum shouts out "WHERE"S THAT SMOKE COMING FROM?" Smoke from said cigarette is pouring through the aircon ducting into the house. I panic & quickly stub the cig out on the tinder dry, easily flammable straw of the aircon...
Smoke suddenly grows exponentially and aircon rapidly burns. Mum screams and runs out of the bathroom in a towel to ring fireys. I run round to the fire-extinguisher (which I had seen mounted on the wall and had been itching to try out) and put the fire out completely.
Fireys turn up douse the aircon (just in case). Mum comes out and asks me what the hell is going on. After mum shouts a lot she susses that something is up and makes me turn out my pockets, finding a lighter (to light cig). She immediately flys into rage and accuses me of being a pyro in front of the fireys.
As penance I had to spend 2 weeks of my school holidays helping & cleaning up around the fire station. When the fire-boss found out the real reason for my transgression he pissed himself.

Modern Day EDIT: Even up to her death about 6 years ago mum my was still suss on me around matches or a lighter. Along the lines of - she would take the lighter off me after I had lit my bbq and go put it in my kitchen. Bless the fire-chief for keeping his word when I made him promise no to tell my mum.

tl:dr - don't stub your ciggies out on old school evaporative air conditioners cause they are flammable & make sure you know where the nearest fire extinguisher is.
Length? - I'd had a couple of puffs so maybe 60-70mm.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 14 Feb 2013, 4:09, 3 replies)

Give the LAPD a call
This is the sort of 'Protect And Serve' stuff they're looking for.
(roysin, Thu 14 Feb 2013, 9:33, closed)

I did
my mum & I were out delivering papers.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 14 Feb 2013, 10:05, closed)

That was only one story.
You promised two. I want the second story or I'm going to your manager to demand a full refund. I know my rights.
(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Thu 14 Feb 2013, 11:25, closed)