Guilty
I must have been impressively stingy over the last 3-4 months, when I've been living on an average of about £30 a week, scrounging together money wherever I can. Thank god I've finally got a paycheque coming my way this week...I'm going straight out and buying a fur coat to celebrate...Anyway, the point of this moan is to put in context something which happened last week.

I was hanging around the club where I've been DJing, having a cigarette, when this guy shuffles up and asks for 50p. It wasn't a nice night and I did feel a bit sorry for him having to wander the streets, but I also didn't have 50p to rub together, so I had to tell him no.

As he turned away, I suddenly had a flash of inspiration as to how I could do something for him. I called out: "Hey, mate, do you want a cigarette?". He came back looking genuinely happy, so I set to rolling him one, talking as I went.

"I'm afraid I've only got menthol filters, if that's okay? You know what they say though," (My mind caught up with what I was babbling on about just as it left my mouth) "beggars can't be choosers."

He just stares at me, an I-can't-believe-you-just-said-that expression on his face. "Yeah". Then we both remained silent until I finished rolling and he walked off into the night, shaking his head.

Anyway, top tip for the stingy, if you don't want to give them money and you smoke, offer them a cigarette. Just don't be an insensitive twat while you do it.
(jabboy, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 14:21, 7 replies)

apologies for crappy pun
But it's a true story.

When I was no more than a wee sprog my uncle and aunt had just returned from a "around the world cruise" and were showing my family thousands of slides that they had taken on the trip.

At some point in the evening ,my mum turns to my day and says "How come we never do anything as nice as this?"
And my dad replied {cringing as I type} "Beggars can't be criusers."
To the day he died, he use to nearly wet himself whenever he told of that little tale.
(smells-like-victory-v's, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 14:34, closed)

That's not insensitive..
That's an innocent enough slip - miserable cunt could have fucked off without the cigarette if he was offended.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 14:44, closed)

I couldn't have helped but laugh at my own pun if I had been you
legendary
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 14:46, closed)

Its like that rubbish joke
Buying the last big issue that someone is selling and then saying "so, its off home now then eh?.....ah...no..."
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 14:58, closed)

My mum...
...has done this so many times, the best I can remember was when she was assessing an elderly man's incapacity level before representing him in court to try and get him some benefits.

The old guy had a problem with his lungs and breathing, and was on a respirator that had to be near him all the time.

After the initial assessment, she goes back to see him and tells him that the chances of him getting a new car are slim, so "don't hold your breath."

He thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard though, and died from a laughing/coughing fit after she said it.


*Last bit may not be strictly true...
(gin'll fix it, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 16:00, closed)

Few years ago
when I was working on a ward I chanced to pop into the day room and noticed a teenage lad and his dad, hanging around looking a bit stressed.

Being a kind nursie I offered them a brew. The father accepted but the boy said politely no ta, I have a drink with me, and waved a can.

I wittily replied 'Dr Pepper! What's the worst that could happen?' - that being the Dr Pepper TV jingle at the time.

In the ward kitchen where I went to brew up, my mate told me about the family who were waiting to hear if their mum would die that night...
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 17:19, closed)

Equally..
I reckon I've saved at least a tenner in not giving out tabs with the handly line "Yeah... Sure.. They're menthols. Is that okay?"

;-)
( bluemeat has been best of all the animals since, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 0:06, closed)