Under Pressure
A long time ago in a nightclub far, far away...

I used to work behind a bar in a city centre nightclub frequented by all manner of human dross. Hot, overcrowded and full of twunts. Anyway, I digress. Come the end of a particularly gruelling friday night shift, the duty manager asked me to take care of a blockage in the urinal system in the blokes toilet. 'Great', I think, 'elbow deep in piss at 4am', at which point the duty manager brings out from behing his back

- a length of shower hose with tap attachment
- a cannister of CO2 commonly used in beer dispensing systems

For the uninitiated, the pressure in these cannisters is incredible, and they're bloody dangerous to play around with. After asking the manager if he was, indeed, taking the piss, I was despatched to loosen the blockage with the above assembly.

I attach the hose to the cannister, gently insert the business end into the reeking swamp of yeasty piss as far as it will go, and then proceed to (gently as possible) turn the tap on the cannister.

A low rumbling ensues, the piss level subsides, and almost instantaneously, from all the cubicles in the room erupts a geyser of brown, grey and yellow unspeakable matter, coating the walls, ceiling and floor.

Apparently only the slightest pressure was required to shift any blockage and I'd just forced enough pressure through the plumbing to shift concrete if need be.

I put the cannister back and fucked off home. After all, I'd cleared the blockage.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 17:21, Reply)