Old Man Hospital Poo
Last Christmas my fella was quite ill (dodgy kidneys) and had to go into hospital for about a week as his piss looked like vimto. Being a young-ish lad and all (20), it was decided that to put him with the old men would be slightly cruel, as most of these old joes were a bit demented and a whole ward of them produced a gigantic old person smell, not to mention the amount of grumbling that went on day and night. So they shove him in a little room on the end of this ward.
Every day I go in for a couple of hours to keep him company and to take him cheese sandwiches and Yazoo. And for a few days he's been watching tv and reading books and being cheeky to the nurses who ask him if he does voodoo and sacrifices goats (strange people the NHS are employing these days, wouldn't mind if he was a goffick but he's not). So anyway, it's his fourth day there and I go to take him his sandwich and a nice shiny balloon, and I get there and he has a look of complete horror on his face. Upon asking what the hell is wrong, he proceeds to tell me what happened to him the previous night - Whilst dropping off to sleep, he hears someone walking around outside his room. Thinks nothing of it, figuring that it's probably a nurse going about her nightly business. He was wrong. Very wrong. The door to his room opens, and in walks an old man, stumbling all over the place in the dark, mumbling something about finding his trousers. Rummages through the washing pile in the corner, then just walks into all the walls of the room. By this time, fella is just staring in shocked disbelief, thinking it's some kind of old person zombie type thing that has come to eat what remains of his kidneys, and by this point, is pretty fucking freaked out. However, things get worse, as the old man walks over to fella's bed, drops his old man style jama bottoms, and unashamedly just curls a huge one out on the floor, has a good look at the thing, then potters off. Fella gets up, and in his shoeless, sockless, traumatised state, carefully tiptoes around the mess, and in his pants, proclaims that he is leaving to the nearest nursey he sees, who promptly just shoves him back into the shitty room and tells him to stop making a fuss. Even after they cleaned it up, he said that it was still there in spirit, haunting him. Also, the windows didn't open. Nice.
(Hanargh, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 1:38, Reply)