"No, this is not fucking happening, seriously no"
These were the thoughts going through my head when my first date with new girlfriend Sarah came to an unexpectedly messy end...i think I've posted this anecdote twice in various threads on b3ta before but here it goes again due to the sheer relevance of it.

I was 15 and despite my overweightness and general uglyness somehow the fittest girl in the year had asked me out. This was probably y first girlfriend and I got instant kudos from all the lads for it. Proof that being the class clown does occasionally pay off.

Anyway we were out on a date to the cinema, it went great, excellent snoggage and such, yes, fab, brill. We then went to go walk around the shopping centre which also included a lot of kissing and stuff and was also turning out to be a succesful endeavour. Then I needed the toilet. Fine. I left her sitting outside the lavs as I went to go do my business.

Had a good shit, so to speak, regular stuff, maybe slightly wet but nothing to worry about. Wiped my arse...somethings wrong...oh dear...oh my fucking god oh dear. To my horror I had done the unthinkable terror of everyone who has ever shat in their life (Im under the belief that is is the majority of us): I had wiped my arse....on my t shirt. A huge fat wipe. On my fucking favorite south park t-shirt I had got for christmas.

Panic struck, I finished off with some bog roll and stashed my poo stained shirt under the u bend and put my hoodie on (this was a particularly hot day by the way) then proceeded to wash my hands. I then spent what seemed a life time with Sarah trieing by any means necessary to end the date without looking like I was brushing her off. This ended up with me walking around in nothing but a hoodie for a further 3 hours in boiling conditions, all the while paranoid that she could smell shit off of me.

To this day I have somewhat of a complex about this reoccouring and always without fail will pull the front of my top tight before even considering wiping. I hope with all my heart that no one else ever has to live this nightmare of a situation and ask you all to learn from my misfourtune. thank you.
( Grundlebiscuit, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 23:40, Reply)