reallywittyname
Has reminded me of my adventures in 'journalism'. I once wrote horoscopes. At first, I rephrased ones from the paper, but then I just started making them up. After a while, my editor didn't even read them anymore. Which is how these got published:

Sagittarius

Leopards cannot change their spots, and neither can lepers, but the Sagittarian is adept at adopting new postures and poses. If you are feeling like something the cat dragged in, why not make a whole new start and opt for that gender reassignment therapy you’ve always thought about? Buy more shoes!

Capricorn

Capricorn the goat has little in common with sheep. Not for him the herd, the thoughtless munching of herbivorous matter and contributions of wool – no, the goat stands aloof on the crest of a mountain and sneers down at mankind. And this is why he usually has no friends. Live like a sheep; they’re cuddly!

Aquarius

It takes ten minutes for the light from the Sun to reach the Earth 98 million miles away, but YOU need two hours to get ready in the morning! Try to streamline your time by noting down your daily movements in an accountant’s notebook, documenting what you do every minute. In no time, you’ll have lost all your friends.

Pisces

Time waits for no man – except the professional clock-winder! Pisceans always find the exception to the rule and exploit it for all it’s worth. Now is the time to invest in those shares you’ve been considering, or the rubberised invention you’ve been itching to patent. Bed-wetters of the world, unite!

Aries

Comme ci, comme ça, say the French. Who knows what they are talking about? Aries the ram likes to speak plainly and keep things simple, no matter what the language! This month provides an opportunity to say exactly what you mean, so put on your best telephone voice and begin, “Hell-air …!”

Taurus

The Ford Taurus may have been one of America’s best-selling mid-size front-wheel- drive cars of the 1980s, but this has absolutely nothing to do with you. You prefer the sedate pleasures of walking hand-in-hand in the park with a loved one – or with a complete stranger who is furiously texting the police as you stroll.

Gemini

Twins often have a special connection, especially if they are conjoined. Your siblings have always been close to you, unless you are an only child, and they are always the first things on your mind when you wake up. Usually because they owe you money and have just two days to pay up before you call the heavies in.


Cancer

Cancer kills one in seven people, but canny Cancerians are not about to let that statistic bother them. No – they’ll opt for self-immolation before letting their internal organs rot, or a massive tumour develop in their brain. Laugh at fatal illness this month as you breeze through life with a smile.

Leo

Leo Sayer was a popular 1970s crooner with an ill-advised hairstyle and a strangely strangulated falsetto whine. But he wasn’t a Leo, which is something you can be grateful for. Your singing voice is like gravy fresh from the boat and your hair is your crowning glory, unless you are bald.

Virgo

In virgo veritas, as the Romans didn’t say. Just as well – they were at it like rabbits! You might consider taking up a dead language this month, as global warming means that we will all be reverting to a pre-industrial existence once the fossil fuels run out and declining literacy makes us all vegetables.

Libra

Never a borrower nor a lender be. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Manners maketh the man. Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country. I have a dream! -- Shakespeare wrote all of these things, but he died in a drunken stupor before he was 60. Cheers!

Scorpio

Serpico was a 1970s film in which Al Pacino played a police officer who refused to countenance corruption in his department. He fought it and earned the lasting enmity of his colleagues before he was finally hailed as a champion of honesty in a dirty world. But he wasn’t a Scorpio.

EDIT: I left before I got told off.
(frankspencer, Tue 25 Sep 2007, 16:45, Reply)