I could have been on the telly, you know.
A few years ago I had to attend a two day training course in Bristol, something to do with learning how to use the new projects database, if I recall correctly. The company put me and a couple of colleagues up in a hotel next to the Clifton Suspension Bridge, and, on arrival, we checked into our respective rooms and agreed to meet in the lobby at a specified time.

I was first to arrive, and noticed that there was a large contingent of young people milling around the place, each proudly displaying a number pinned to their clothing. They kept going in and coming out of one of the function rooms. After about five minutes, some young bloke with a clipboard wandered up to me and asked "Excuse me, are you here for the Big Brother auditions?"

This is a question that is not easily anticipated; when someone approaches you with a clipboard you tend to think 'customer research person' or 'trying to sell me something person' or 'health and safety twat.' Not to be asked if you're wanting to try and get on the telly and bring shame to yourself, your family and anyone you've ever bought a pint for by acting in a ludicrously accentuated manner in order to get offered panto for a couple of years before dying an excruciating career death in full view of the tabloids. Or even an actual death, come to that, complete with Princess Di style hysteria and several thousand Facebook tribute pages that you'll never ever actually see.

The slightly off-guard bemused expression I was evidently wearing caused clip board guy to prompt me with "You know, Big Brother, off the telly," to which I replied "Yeah, I know what it is, but no, I'm not here to audition. I'm just waiting for some colleagues and then we're going to dinner."

Beat.

"Oh. Oh well, do you want to audition anyway?"

Fame. Fortune. Glamour. Ruthless tabloid exposure. None of these things entered my head as I responded with a firm but polite "No. Thank you, but no. I'd rather not."

And that's how I didn't get my cock out on national TV.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 20 Mar 2012, 23:49, 1 reply)

This is a most glorious story.

(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Wed 21 Mar 2012, 3:42, closed)