The Rise and Fall of Bobby Bum-Bum
Like that other Time Lord, the tosspot who calls himself the Doctor (huh! He’s not even a proper doctor, unlike me), I have had travelling companions. Not as many as him, the needy cunt; I prefer my own company, but over the centuries a number of life forms of varying gender and shape have joined me on my adventures. This is the story of a humanoid called Bobby Bum-Bum, the most annoying and ‘twattish’ of them all – and why I put up with him for so long.

I met him on Svartos (aka Iceworld), where he was eking out a living as a very bad public performance artist. His mime act was as woeful a thing I had ever seen, more wretched than a pair of shitted-in Y-fronts abandoned in a gutter swimming with syphilitic piss and with all johnnies and turds and fag ends floating in it. I took pity on him, because he was quite fit, and I desired his oiled, muscly, completely hairless body. We spent an afternoon fisting, fucking, and felching, and then he thought it would be a great idea to visit the body-beppling parlour.

Most people go for cool, impressive body-bepples; lizard or big cat are popular, for example. As are famous or historical figures (I’ve seen countless Elvis Presleys, Adolf Hitlers and Beverley Cravens). But not Bobby Bum-Bum (I forget his real name, I think it was something boring and blokey like Bob Fairburn or something). Oh no! The idiot went for ‘fluffy pink bunny.’ He ended up with clumsy great big rabbit feet, a huge swollen arse complete with fluffy pink tufty tail, lollopy rabbit ears (also pink), big gormless buck bunny teeth, whiskers and a ‘cute’ bunny nose, all with a complete covering of neon pink fur. And the idiot wondered why I didn’t want to fuck him any more!

I tried to lose him in the cavernous chaos of Iceworld Mall but the bastard ran after me and managed to squeeze past me and get into my TARDIS. I was about to liquidate him on the spot but he pleaded and begged me to take him on ‘just one trip through time’ and, softy that I am (or was in that incarnation – he wouldn’t have fared so well against some of my others!) I relented and agreed. Just one trip – and then I’d bring him right back to Iceworld. Bobby Bum-Bum agreed excitedly and hopped friskily around the console room. I felt sick but I gritted my teeth and set random co-ordinates, as I didn’t really care where we ended up.

I should have taken more care! And taken the twat somewhere bland and safe like Victorian Bath or something – because we ended up slap bang in the middle of the Cyber Wars!

To cut a long story slightly shorter, you’ll be somewhat relieved or perhaps more accurately utterly indifferent to hear, we found ourselves trapped on a distasteful little rock called Gilpong’s World, all caverns and caves, outnumbered by hundreds of Cybermen.

They had us in this vast cavern, armed only with the torches we were using to see our way around, backed against the wall. We were fucked – they were going to catch us and convert us, and not even Time Lords can survive Cyber-conversion. My mind began to race back over my lives and I started to mutter Gallifreyan imprecations, when, to my complete amazement, Bobby Bum-Bum stepped towards the advancing Cyber hordes, and shouted:

‘Go away and leave us alone! We don’t wanna be Cybermen. We’re happy as we are!’

I smirked at this. At least Cyber-conversion would get rid of that heinous body-bepple.

‘You will be like us,’ intoned the lead Cyberman, rather predictably, but that’s Cybermen for you.

Bobby Bum-Bum pouted and put his hands on his hips. ‘No! Bugger off! We’ll – we’ll fight you!’

To my surprise the Cybermen halted. The leader droned, ‘That is illogical. You are unarmed. There are only two of you. There are five hundred of us. You cannot fight us. You will be like us.’

The Cybermen started forward again, but Bobby Bum-Bum stood his ground. ‘Wait! Five hundred? Are you sure about that?’

The lead Cybermen seemed to consider. ‘Yes.’

‘How do you know?’

‘All Cyber minds are connected. We know.’

‘Bollocks!’ cried Bobby Bum-Bum. ‘You’ve miscounted or there’s a glitch somewhere, or something. There’s never five hundred of you! Four hundred and seventy-five, at most!’

‘Yeah!’ I said, once I’d got over my surprise at this strange turn of events. ‘Or even four hundred and fifty!’

The Cybermen were silent for ten agonising seconds (it might have been eleven. Or nine.) Then the leader intoned, ‘We are five hundred. But even if we were four hundred and fifty, or fifty, or even just one, you would still be outnumbered. You. Will. Be. Like. Us.’

I held up a hand. ‘Wait! You admit that there could be a glitch? There might not be exactly five hundred of you? If so – what else might be wrong? Your conversion process might be fucked as well – so you’ll have to let us go!’

This was taking things too far, perhaps, but it bought us time.

‘We do not make errors.’ Was that the merest hint of tetchiness creeping in to the so-called ‘emotionless’ Cyber-voice?

Now we had them in a logic trap! ‘But how do you KNOW? If your information is incorrect, how can you know that it matches up with reality?’

‘We’re going to have to count you before you do anything else,’ declared Bobby Bum-Bum. ‘Come on! Line up by tens, against this wall. And we’ll see if there are five hundred of you or four hundred and fifty or whatever!’

The Cybermen did not move or speak.

‘Well I’m going to have to count you where you stand!’ said Bobby Bum-Bum. He then proceeded to do just this, with exaggerated slowness. Picture, if you can, the scene: a dimly-lit and chilly cavern, with an army of Cybermen standing motionless, whilst a neon-pink human-sized fluffy bunny pranced up and down in front of them going ‘One! Two! Three… Four! There’s five! And you’re six!’ and so on.

It wouldn’t be long before the Cybermen worked out we were having them on but before they reached this logical conclusion, a squad of Alliance troops burst through the wall of the cavern and engaged them in battle. In the ensuing chaos, Bobby Bum-Bum and I were able to make good our escape.

Of course, after that I could hardly kick him straight out, especially not back to Iceworld, so I endured his presence for a while. What he’d done in that dingy cavern on Gilpong’s World had actually been very brave, and I was genuinely impressed – and it takes a lot to impress me. Stalling a horde of 500 Cybermen is impressive whatever you look like.

Bobby Bum-Bum was, of course, insufferable after this, and dined out to an obscene extent on his victory. I allowed him leeway, as ‘every dog (or human-sized pink bunny) has his day.’ But things came to an ugly end when Bobby Bum-Bum started making sexual overtures towards me. I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not touch him with a bargepole as long as he wore that ridiculous body-bepple. At this he got upset, saying that the bepple was based on Flopsy, a beloved childhood toy. Repulsed by this insight into his psyche, I resolved to despatch him as soon as possible. That night, I smothered him as he slept, and then roasted and ate him (except the head which I had frozen and sent to Gallifrey as a birthday present for that mardy old cunt Borusa).

So that is the story of Bobby Bum-Bum, my most twattish (but most delicious) friend.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 22 Sep 2013, 18:12, 13 replies)

tl; get fucked

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Sun 22 Sep 2013, 19:11, closed)

I like that you've shortend tldr;

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 22 Sep 2013, 20:39, closed)

Does that mean
Time Lord Doctor?

Well... DUH...
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 22 Sep 2013, 20:57, closed)

Does that mean
Time Lord, get fucked? If you read the story, you will see that I did, by Bobby Bum-Bum, and felched as well. And I was almost fucked by 500 Cybermen.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 22 Sep 2013, 22:15, closed)

That's libellous. You might want to rethink that post.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 23 Sep 2013, 0:12, closed)

So funny.
The very first time it was trotted out.

Over a month ago now?
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Mon 23 Sep 2013, 1:23, closed)

After last weeks brief effort I was a tad worried.
Still needs more lesbian Time Lord pr0n.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Mon 23 Sep 2013, 1:24, closed)

He sounds almost as annoying
as Adric and Mel
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Mon 23 Sep 2013, 10:39, closed)

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Mon 23 Sep 2013, 13:14, closed)

^YES!

(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Tue 24 Sep 2013, 8:49, closed)

when you're lying in your own shit in a municipal hospice
you'll look back on your life and think 'i wish i'd written more fanfic that nobody ever read'
(alright alright, Mon 23 Sep 2013, 14:33, closed)

Yet there you'll be
being ignored by *all* the carers cause you're such a snide, nasty prick; wishing that you'd had the chance to just make that one last snarky comment.
Whether you're shambo's sockpuppet or not (you certainly have the same writing style and fuck! - the man isn't really shy of a post or 10000) - what exactly is your story this week? Or any of the others for, oh..... ever?

Since negative commentary is all you seem to be able to bring to this site - maybe trolling mumsnet would be more your speed.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 7:27, closed)

This is brilliant.

(cs1ca, Mon 23 Sep 2013, 14:36, closed)