TWAT ON THE PHONE
I've only bothered to sign on once in my life even though I've been unemployed several times.

It was a painful process, going down to sign on.

With my little booklet in hand with my homework in, detailing 'what I've done to find a job this fortnight', I'd go and get treated like a fucking cretin by a shit in a suit who's probably never had a good shag in their life.

They'd look through my book, give me some shit, and then I'd leave feeling like I'd just been emotionally raped by the fucker behind the desk.

And it went on like this for a few months.

Until one day I went to sign on and was told:

"Mr Hanky, you haven't been following the guidelines as a jobseeker, therefore we've got no choice but to cut your benefits immediately." Smiled the cunt behind the desk.

"What?" I asked. "But its got in my book everything I've been doing! Look!" And I showed them.

The bloke behind the counter shook his head: "No, Mr Hanky - you were required in your return to work contract to contact the office once a week by telephone as well as fill in the booklet. We don't have any record of any telephone contacts."

"No one told me this!"

"If you'd have made a call sometime today to let us know what you've been doing to find work we may have been able to help."

I blinked at him, completely lost for words. I felt like ramming his smug fucking head into his desk. Instead I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone: "What's your number?" I asked.

Grudgingly he gave it to me. I tapped it into the phone and the phone on his desk started to ring. He looked down at it. I looked down at it too. I waited. He waited. Eventually he picked up the receiver.

Ooooh, what a fucking suprise. It was me on the other end...

"Hello Mr Fuckwit-Jobcentre-Cunty-Bollocks," I started. "Please can I tell you what I've done this week to try and find work?"

And the fucker went along with it, wrote down a few notes, tapped away on his computer terminal, and after the call turned back to me, grinned an evil grin and said:

"Well, everything seems to be in order now, Mr Hanky. See you in a fortnight."

And I left, wondering what the fuck was all that about.

Apologies for lack of spunk & Batman in this post. Just happens to be 100% true, this one.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 7 Apr 2009, 14:11, 7 replies)

I really hope you addressed him as
"Mr Fuckwit-Jobcentre-Cuntry-Bollocks" over the 'phone. I'm thinking of greeting my landlord that way in future.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 7 Apr 2009, 14:13, closed)

its hard
to know when you are being serious spankster, so im looking for re-iteration.

is this the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

if so, i'm not that surprised, particularly with the 'evil' element to the cunts demeanour.

fuckboxes
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 7 Apr 2009, 14:29, closed)

True, I'm afraid
Towcester Job Centre a few years back.

If anyone has the pleasure of signing on there I'd love to know if you've had the same sort of shit...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 7 Apr 2009, 15:06, closed)

Holy-fucking-shit!
I think I just died a little reading that, god knows how you must have felt.

If I ever become that much of a jobsworth, please hunt me down with dogs and guns.

*Files in triplicate*
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 7 Apr 2009, 14:30, closed)

More spunk and Batman please
8/10 Must try harder.



;)
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 7 Apr 2009, 15:33, closed)

Funny thing, that
If we ever have a QOTW about fancy dress I've got one hell of a story that features

a) Batman

and

b) spunk

in the same story.

Oooh, that would be a guddun!
( SpankyHanky, Tue 7 Apr 2009, 15:38, closed)

^^ What Ms Chicken says!
Not just on QOTW, my life needs more spunk and Batman in general, tbh, I'm bored...
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Wed 8 Apr 2009, 10:46, closed)