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This is a question Unemployed

I was Mordred writes, "I've been out of work for a while now... however, every cloud must have a silver lining. Tell us your stories of the upside to unemployment."

You can tell us about the unexpected downsides too if you want.

(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:02)
Pages: Popular, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.


I'm not really sure what it's like...but I'll let you know when it happens...at the end of the season.


Alan Shearer.

*starts running as Legless hops on plane to kick my teeth in*
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 12:53, 7 replies)
Good job I'm not unemployed
According to www.entitledto.co.uk/ I wouldn't get a bean.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 12:51, 6 replies)
I've been unemployed
It was after coming back from the UK after a year and a half backpacking round the world, and I was completely skint. However, being a person of much middle classness, I didn't have the first clue about being in such a situation (I'd heard the phrase "signing on", but didn't have a clue what exactly got signed by whom and where), so just lived in my sister's spare room for a few weeks and went looking for a job every day. Now I learn that I could have been getting free money from the government!!!
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 12:42, 1 reply)
i signed on
for about 4 or 5 months in 2006, another useless graduate! I used to hate going to the job centre; having to endure long conversations with other JSA claimers, like the man whose dad wasn't allowed to work cos they said he was in a wheelchair and had one arm or something but thats like not fair and disgusting - well its probably right to be fair; and being basically stripped of my qualifications every week and told they are irrelevant, PLEASE GET ME ANY CREATIVE JOB I WILL EVEN DESIGN FLYERS FOR LOCAL CHURCH GROUPS, software engineering? No. But then I realised you can just get the form and write "I lukd on teh internets and der was nufin" and still get £45 a week.

Could have been worse, I could have fuckin worked there
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 12:37, Reply)
boredom breeds creation
i have, in the decade that has passed since i was 16, spent a mere 2 months unemployed.
during this time, i was bored SHITLESS. this manifested itself in a plethora of unusual outlets.

the more mundane. wanking. i don't just mean normal wanking, i mean the frenzied kind of wanking that could put a bus full of 14yr old boys and a zoo chimp to shame. the real sort of face-reddening, gurning, one arm bigger than the other like some sort of fleshy fiddler crab, one foot on the ceiling, extreme wanking. this was replaced by a girlfriend, but there was the time she was at work still to occupy.
so i started on the garden (see my wasp story on a previous QOTW) once the garden was better manicured than a glamour model's clunge, the attention turned to the bike. that thing got the wheels rebuilt, the bearing stripped, the works. STILL i had free time and nothign to do with it.

then it began
the bong-building.
it started small. a courvoisier bottle bong. then a weird pipe contraption made of assorted jars and metal parts. then the giant bamboo bong.
then the 4' long piece of drainpipe with the copper radiator tube downpipe... WITH a midway twist for ice. debilitating!
then things got REALLY out of hand
i am proud, AND ashamed to say that shortly before becoming employed again, i managed, with a little help from my housemate, the following contraption.

1 canister diving air belonging to the landlord, half-full. long hose attached to a home-made assemblage with two screw-on ends and a midesction of copper pipe, which can be heated with a paintstripper gun.
another shorter hose going into the bottom of a sealed demijohn half full of water. another hose leading out from above the waterline to ANOTHER demijohn full of ice cubes, leading to a smaller hose. leading to a balloon. it was a three person operation, one to gently tweak the valve on the canister, another to heat the copper tube full of green, and another to fill the balloons.
it lasted for one party, half-filled the kitchen, got a LOT of people VERY fucked up, then became unstable and prone to firing smoking hot ganja all over the place.

but for a while, it reigned supreme.

i really need gainful employment as my tinkering gets WAAAAY out of hand.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 12:00, 6 replies)
The Good Old Days
I signed on for a bit after leaving Uni. I'd been turned down to do a doctorate in weird religious poetry and was unceremoniously ejected from the Ivory Towers of Higher Learning back into my parents' back bedroom in a small Midlands town.

With absolutely no clue about what I wanted to do, I went down the Job Centre to claim my 'free money'. The worst thing about it was that I actually resented the fact I had to stop playing Championship Manager and get on my bike once a week and go into town to sign on. Admittedly, I was a spoiled little twat.

Thing is, this was back in the days when it didn't take me long to get a job, once I got my arse in gear, and now I am gainfully employed in a job I like and doing OK. The worry would be that if I found myself in the same situation now, I really don't know what I'd do.

My old Uni careers service has my details on file for people who want to get into my industry, I hardly ever used to get emails, and I thought it was because no one wanted to do what I do. Recently I've had a few per month and I've realised that the sort of people emailing me now with desperate pleas for help and offering themselves up for unpaid work experience probably never needed to email me in the past because they just waltzed into graduate jobs.

Actually, I wonder if I could get any of them to suck me off....
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:59, 2 replies)
I loved that Job too!
I have only been unemployed once, this was a few years back and even thinking back to my old job hurts. Let me tell you the tale of how I lost it.

I once worked for the tourist board. Take the piss about it being a mind numbing job if you want- I don’t give a toss as I enjoyed it. I worked my way through the ranks and eventually got to be the main representative for the whole company. I was allowed to go places I had never heard of to promote our place and also got a company car too (I never aspired to much). What I didn’t realise was that the good times weren’t going to last- mainly thanks to a woman who used to live near me, L.

L was a bit of an odd girl. She would be a bit more boisterous than any of the other women I knew and her behaviour today would be classed as a ‘ladette’ – despite the fact that she looked pretty feminine she could kick ass if needed and had a fiery temper. L had worked alongside me in the tourist board one summer at the start of my career. I had chose to do this full time and she had needed something temporary to fill the gap during a break in her training. During the time I spent with her, I learnt that L had been brought up by parents that taught her to challenge the system, fight against the government etc, etc the usual hippy rebellious crap.

Anywhoo in the few years since I saw her it turned out that L had become pretty notorious and had developed a criminal record (This was all accusations as she had managed to evade arrest for quite a while). Her luck couldn’t hold out forever and eventually and she was caught by the authorities on her way back home with stolen government property (Nothing too serious, just some paperwork allegedly). We had heard that L was being interviewed locally about all sorts of crap by one of the higher up officials and would probably be up in court over various charges sometime later.

What we didn’t know was that the government had other plans and decided to use our lovely planet as a test for their new space station ( I thought it was just a moon-I had new brochures printed and everything).

So ended my employment as head of Alderaan Tourist board
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:54, 2 replies)
Cheeky Buggers
After a great 11 years serving my country (drinking beer and sha**ing all over the place) my time came to an end. After carrying out the laughable re-settlement courses i was thrust out into the cold.

After registering for jobseekers (pocket money to kids these days) i started the slog looking for a job which could pay for the mortgage, car etc etc.

After returning to the job centre week after week to show them the booklet i had filled in to prove i was actively looking for employment i had the luck to see a job in the local rag for a full time position in the ambulance service.

I sent off the application and got an interview. I pressed the old whistle, shined the shoes, and gave it my all in the invterview. Normally, they said, we like to see all of the candidates before offering a position (there were 3 going at the time so i was not buggering up anyone elses chances) but we would like to offer you a post to start asap. I said well how about Monday, (weekend on the old pop to celebrate) and they said great.

I shook their hands and walked out that few inches taller and with a spring in my step. When i got home I was greeted to a message on the phone to say that i needed to go in to the job centre to discuss the possiblity of my payments being reduced.

I duly arrived the next morning to be greeted by a dour faced, angry middle aged woman. She flicked through my booklet to check and said, "ok Mr Sh0ttie, here is the score. You have been claiming Jobseekers for too long and now we are going to be reducing you payments. ( I believe they genuinely thought that this is supposed to help you to motivate you into finding a job.)

She started to fill out a load of paperwork and then said that she was going to get it photocopied for my records when my phone rang. "One minute" says I and stands up and moves away to take the phone call. It was my new employers to confirm that I was starting that Monday and to say that my offer of employment and start date was in the post". Huzzah says i and proceeds to sit back down.

Said government clerk returns with a mountain of paperwork and starts to fill it in. As she was into..oh the third page i casually dropped into the conversation.."pardon me..but if i now have a job would all of this been a waste of time? "yes" says she looking suspicious, "ah well looks like we have both been wasting our time here then as that phone call was just confirming my new employment details. I guess i should have said sooner". "oh..well done..was it an interview that we put you in for?" says she

no it bloody wasnt i did all the slog, interviewed brilliantly and literally charmed the birds out of the trees..was what i wanted to say but all that came out was "no".

to say i felt smug as i left that life sucking office would be an injustice to the meaning of smug.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:52, 5 replies)
Eating fat
A guy I used to know was veeery unemployed, and completely out of money (quite possibly booze and fags related, I'unno) and very very hungry.

His flat had no food in. He had already eaten all of the paper he could spare, he was looking for something else.

Apparently the thought process was "candles...they're made of fat...I must be able to eat one of them"

I'm informed this didn't work, as the aim wasn't to have horrendous pooh discomfort.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:50, 1 reply)
I'm scared I'm going to lose my job on Monday
I really don't want to, so hoping I wont be writing about my current job next week.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:48, 6 replies)
Ah, unemployment
The last time I was unemployed, and in between university years (I'm a student, second year currently after doing two first years, fucked one up spectacularly and pulled through with the second), I taught myself how to use a synthesizer. Given that I grew up playing a guitar, this was interesting. I've now become good enough on a synth that I've been signed up to a nice little indie label and have released two albums through them. If you wanna hear, check my profile.

But that's the boring story. The slightly more interesting story involves my old arch-nemesis, alcohol, who at the time was my best friend, but we had several arguments and stopped talking to each other since then. This was about 2 years ago. Well, summer 2007.

I was drunk. Well, slightly drunk. And bored. Very, very bored. I was hanging out with a few equally unemployed mates, and we had just finished watching a load of horror films. It was about 4 am, and one of the side-effects of alcohol on me is that it kills my boredom threshold completely. Combine this with the fact that I'd been out of work, both of the proper kind and of the student kind, for some time, and we have a recipe for disaster.

So I did what any sane, drunk man would do.

I started baking.

At 4 am.

Drunken baking was fun.

Sober baking was even more fun, I found out the next day.

So I staved off inevitable boredom from unemployment not through a mixture of spending the time pissed out of my gourd and watching daytime TV, but instead baking, often whilst sober, sometimes whilst pissed.

The best thing was, cos I was at home a lot, and cos my sleep schedule was fucked, I often used to put a tray of muffins in to bake, go and crash out on the sofa, sleep for half an hour, wake up, and voila, instant muffins.

Baking is surprisingly good for curing boredom and staving off unemployment depression.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:47, 9 replies)
When i was made redundant i got 3 months paid upfront and managed to cain it in 6 days gettin off my rocker.

The next 4 months looking for work work surpisingly hard as i was too lazy to sign on so i ended up the most skint i've ever been in my whole life ever.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:43, 2 replies)
currently unemployed
so i'm sat at home feeling pretty miserable about it, then uncle b3ta comes along to offer a kind ear.
was made redundant this time last year when the estate agents i was working at started going bust. pretty devo'd but was only ever meant to be a stop gap job whilst i looked for my true calling.
struggled a bit after that, did some assembly work for a mates dad for a bit which was vaguely interesting. then landed a 6 month contract doing some data base work for a well known health service that is national, i was pretty confident that my contract would be renewed but nothing happened. of the team of 4, 3 contracts are due to run out imminetly and the only permenant member of staff has accepted another job elsewhere. lol.
not to worry i feel alot more possitive about this spell of unemployment.
nice week for it though!
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:37, Reply)
Nudie neighbour
About nine months after reluctantly taking a job in the Big Smoke in order to escape the unemployment that I'd enjoyed out in the sticks (I really had enjoyed it, but apparently I wasn't looking for work hard enough), I found myself on the dole once again.

Nothing daunted, I settled myself in for an extended spell of lazing about and scrounging, punctuated with frequent and lengthy bouts of masturbation. Upon leaving my previous job I had managed to score various items of computer hardware to enhance my home PC, including a modem through which I had discovered the joys of certain alt. newsgroups. Free porn ahoy!

But it only got better when I discovered, sitting one day at the desk I had set up next to my upstairs bedroom window, that my young, pretty and generally rather well-formed neighbour enjoyed topless sunbathing in her garden! It was a particularly sunny and warm summer that year, and what with her rather unsuccessful career as an actress she spent really quite a lot of time tanning her tits.

I have no idea if she was aware that the reason I'd usually wave left-handed when she greeted me on her way out to catch some rays was that my other hand was generally otherwise occupied...
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:37, 1 reply)
"I've got one of these for everyone"
said my then boss, handing out envelopes to all the staff.

Everyone's faces lit up and smiled. There was even red-faced coy giggling from some of the women.

This reaction confused the boss greatly. I don't think he'd noticed that the day he decided to give everyone their P45 was the 14th of February.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:30, Reply)
Being unemployeed gave me time to
1) Develope a WoW addicition (which I;ve recently beaten with the help of me getting laid)

2) Grow a beard. 2 inches long. Had to shave it for when I got work though :(

3) Meet the "don't want a job"less and be inspired to find a job and not to start smelling like them.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:29, Reply)
I'm unemployed for the first time in 12 years of self-employment / contractor stuff. The recession is a nice wee comfort blanket. I don't feel guilty about signing on, I've paid a shitload of tax (must've cleared over a hundee last year). I had a job interview on wednesday. They saw 5 people out of 60 who applied. They flew me there, reimbursed my taxi and parking. After scheduling 45mins the interview lasted 2 hours. I don't want the job. Dear diary - I'm quite happy to have a little rest for a while, go to the gym, read the paper, have a cup of tea, and then put through my outstanding invoices and draw my outstanding dividends the week after I decide to sign off. Thank god for the recession. A de rigeur little holiday etc
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:25, Reply)
Ups and downs
Before signing on in the last depression, I had always thought that spending time on the dole would give me the opportunity to get a little fitter - you know, exercise, fresh air, all that sort of thing. Couldn't be arsed really. Although the walk from Jarrow to London Town was quite invigorating.

Oh, I have thought of one thing that was an upside - free dentistry. It's ironic that I'm writing this with toothache as I can't find/afford a fucking dentist but when I was dolescum the dentists were falling over themselves to improve and fix my Old Holburn stained gnashers.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:22, Reply)
It's all in the timing
Some years ago the department in which I worked got a new manager. At first he seem alright but it soon became apparent that he really wasn't cut out for the job. He was, in short, an idiot. This was his first management job and it showed. It was a very busy time for our department and being one of the more experienced guys I got more and more work added to my load. Before long I was working sixty or more hours a week and was tired and stressed. It got to the point where I'd decided to wait two more weeks to see if the situation improved and if it hadn't I would resign, even without a job to go to (easy to find a new one back then).

At this point New Boss tells me to feel free to say no if he gave me too much to do. "Ooh" thought I, "Perhaps he's realised I'm doing too much. That's good." Silly me took him at his word and said no when he asked if I could take over a major project from somebody else who was struggling to complete it. This did not make him happy. This, combined with a couple of silly mistakes on my part (you drag somebody who's lacking in sleep out of bed at 3am to fix something and they're not going to be on top form) tipped the balance and I was called into New Boss's office one morning to be told that he did not see me as being part of the company any more. They knew they couldn't sack me as I'd really done nothing wrong and he knew I'd have a valid unfair dismissal claim if they did. So instead I was offered redundancy - three months pay, keep the work computers I had at home and complete the training course I'd started recently (so all in all, the equivalent of about 4 months worth of pay). Combine that with his thinly veiled threat to make my life hell if I didn't accept the offer and you can guess which I chose.

If only he'd waited half an hour. I'd planned to type out my resignation letter that morning and tell him where to stick his job. Instead, I had a nice paid holiday, a free MCSE (back when that meant something) and a list of job offers for me to pick from.

(within 6 months half of the department resigned because of him and then he himself was "encouraged" to leave before he did any more damage)
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:19, Reply)
Former Dole Office drone
I only worked there for a year, but this was THATCHER'S BRITAIN, and as such, we had plenty of customers.

A great many of them were fine people hit by life under THATCHER'S BRITAIN. There were a hard core, however, of people I would generally describe as the Scum of the Earth.

The nutter

My first experience of this was in my second week when I was to interview a heavily-tattooed gentleman who we knew to be claiming under false pretences and had cut off his free booze vouchers.

"Take a seat", I said.

So he did, and threw it out of the window. Which was closed at the time.

He then went out to his taxi, got an air rifle out of the boot and started taking pot-shots at the windows he hadn't already smashed.

Eighteen months, he got.

The nonce

In the third week, the Police tipped us off they were going to do a sting on the local sex offender, who they were having a few problems nailing. Could we do them a favour?

"Ah, Mr Kiddy-diddler," I said to the gentleman concerned, "We believe we've been underpaying you for the last six months. If you'd care to come into the office, we'll cut you a cheque."

So he did.

Six years for rape. Result!

The wanker

We were supposed to interview our 'clients' at regular intervals to see why they hadn't found a job yet.

"So Mr Wanker", I asked the German bloke in front of me "Why is it do you think you've not had a job for three years? Do you think it might be something to do with your name?"

"Vot are you talking about? I am a Wanker and proud!"

The interview ended there and then.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:18, 1 reply)
I spent
Six months unemployed almost thirteen years ago. I hated every moment of it.

Now I'm literaly sitting on the edge of my chair waiting to find out if I'm going to be made redundant from my job, it sucks!
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:12, 4 replies)
Just remembered another one
Last time I was made redundant (2001) I had booked a weeks holiday in the sun. This was a bit of a problem because it would have meant that I had no holiday left for Christmas.

Happily, however, my redundancy coincided with my holiday and, as I found a new job quickly I was able to take my week off in the sun plus an extra pay out for taking "voluntary" redundancy and have a job to come back to. Bonus!

Length? One week and miles and miles of unspoilt sandy beaches!
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:09, Reply)
When I was a child, I wanted to starve as a tortured artist in a garret. When I was a man, I put away childish things. Then fate cumshot me with a big fat load of FAIL
Got the can on Monday. Going to try my hand at being a writer. There's fewer things more depressing, though, than the cheerful tone of the Writers and Artists Yearbook.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:08, 4 replies)
My old man
is a retired criminal lawyer (one that specialises in criminal law, not a lawyer who is a criminal) and has decided that he'd like to go back to work and do something or other. To reach this goal he has decided to sign on the dole.

I suspect that his main reason is the joy he takes from the look on the face of the idiot in the job centre when he sits there saying, "yes I have 40 years experience in law and in the courts. Do you have any judgeships that need filling?"
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:07, Reply)
A view from the other side of the desk...
A friend of mine worked in a Job Centre in Lancaster for a few years after Uni.

Perhaps inevitably, as familiarity breeds contempt, he developed some fairly robust views on the moral character of many of his 'clients'. I challenged him; surely many of them were legitimate jobseekers who'd been dealt a bad hand and deserved state help to get them back on their feet?

'I don't really care whether they're legitimate or not, I just wish the drunks would stop pissing themselves on the chairs'.

Fair enough.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:02, 1 reply)
In the job centre
I went through the humiliation of signing up for Jobseekers allowance (basically fuck all). After the patronising cunt went through the tedious questions she reaches down and picks up a big padded envelope and passes it over to me.

"What's this?" I ask, tearing it open to find a polyester lime green shell suit, a big fake gold medallion from Elizabeth Duke, and a packet of Royals cigarettes.

"You're on the dole now," said the woman. "This is your uniform."
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:01, 7 replies)
For one period of unemployment I spent my time in the wonderful hobby of patchwork.
I sewed little squares together day after day after day. I made patchwork cushions, patchwork bags, patchwork throws and my home looked like some 70's throwback to craft design. I would spend hours cutting little geometric shapes up and laying them out in wonderful designs on the floor. I even re-created a famous abstract painting in patchwork. I trawled through charity shops for interesting material and looked through bookshops for old patchwork magazines.

I was a women obsessed.

Anyway, eventually I found employment and the patchwork hobby slowly died a death. I had learnt my lesson though and vowed never to let this obsession take a hold of me should I be unemployed once again.

The next time I was jobless I just took loads of drugs instead.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:59, 3 replies)
The longest - and only - time that I have been unemployed is one hour. From shortly after midnight to one in the morning. On a Saturday night.

Back in my uni days I was working at a 24-hour "restaurant" (read: overpriced greasemonger's that catered to the post-pub/club crowd). We'd had a series of "altercations" with the staff from one of the local nightclubs who'd come in and trash the place, throw shit around and so on. Which pissed us off as we'd have completed the big clean before they lobbed. The overnight manager and I ended up banning them for good when one night they tried to set fire to the till.

Arrived at work the next night to find out the morons happened to be related to the owner of the restaurant, and the night manager and I were given the hop. This when I arrived for the night shift.

One of my flatmates managed a pizza joint. When I got back home he gave me a job on the spot, I suppose because that meant I could continue paying my share of the rent.

That was twenty years ago now, and the only time I've left a job since has been me quitting because I had something else to go to.

Actually, one of those jobs was a couple of years working at the dole office interviewing people for unemployment. (It's a growth business during a recession...)
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:57, Reply)
This is my first period of unemployment.
And frankly I've picked a doozy of a time to be out of work haven't I? Coming towards the end of week 3 I have a few observations.

Biggest problem is that I- currently anyway- don't have a shortage of money. My redundancy payment wasn't amazingly generous but still not a sum of money I would lose down the back of the sofa. As of course you have no idea when you will be back in employment, you can't wander out to buy a few consoles and an old mercedes to tinker with. This leads on to;

Boredom. Never has the house been so clean, the lawn so well mowed and my CD collection so alphabetised. This is the longest period of time off that I have ever had and to be honest I have never really taken to inactivity so I have found this trying. Despite having no sweet tooth of my own, I've taken to baking cakes as they require attention and fiddling about. Mondays effort had four slimline layers of sponge seperated with two different types of icing. Still it went down well with Mrs Hatred's work colleagues. My curry sauces and stocks are improving and I might start making my own pasta.

Then of course there is job hunting. To say there is mild qualification inflation at the moment is akin to saying that Jeremy Kyle is slightly antogonistic. It appears that to do my old job again, I suddenly need to be an MA. I have seen job specs stem for two paragraphs for telesales positions. The 100% commission related job has staged an unwelcome return as well. Accepting that you have found something to apply for, you and the rest of Buckinghamshire apply for it and get told... Nothing. I don't mind rejection- it happens. What does irritate is receiving no further contact at all- surely an auto reply isn't out of the question?

Then there are trips to the job centre. This has been a frankly bizarre experience. I will say that the staff at the job centre are as helpful as they can be under the circumstances and are good natured funny people. The job centre itself though is a bizarre open plan hothouse that spurns natural light- I believe it might have been designed by some form of sentient mould. The suggestions they've made for jobs have been amusing if useless but bless 'em they're trying.

Otherwise its how those who are unemployed will know. Days blur into each other, daytime TV is beyond dreadful- even with a full fat Sky subscription I am currently learning how envelopes are made on DMAX. As I've had a string of work laptops, my actual personal laptop that I'm typing on at the moment is completely obsolete and won't actually play any of the games I own. As I've done a huge amount of commuting previously, I've also read most of the books worth reading in the local library.

I shall read this thread intently to see if there are any upsides.

Length?- in this climate who bloody knows?
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:56, 2 replies)
I've always taken the view that I'll take any job before I accept unemployment.

Which saw me go from £32k a year as an IT bod to delivering the local newspaper for £20 a week....

...however having the local paper a day before everyone else gave me the opportunity to get in early on any job adverts :-)

So it wasn't long before I was back on proper payroll.
(, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:55, 1 reply)

This question is now closed.

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