Always Ultra (or: 'When farts become visible')...

For a shy person, I have been caught more times than I’d like to mention in situations that have left total strangers unexpectedly staring down the fleshy beak of my ‘last turkey in the shop’.

But recently, I suffered an experience that mentally scarred me EVEN MORE.

I won’t bore you with the backstory too much, but I have a kidney disease that requires regular tests. My doctor is also concerned at the state of my liver (no prizes for guessing why) so just a couple of weeks ago, I was ordered to the hospital to have an ultrasound scan.

Anyhoo, on the day in question I was sat in the queue…with a line of pregnant women and some bloke who looked like Yoda’s long lost half-brother. After a long, uncomfortable wait, a nurse stepped out of one of the examination rooms and approached me. She was what can only be described as a ‘goddess of perfection’. This nurse was so incredibly, surface-of-the-sun hot that even the old ladies were shifting on their seats and giving her admiring glances. I thought the Yoda bloke was going to have a coronary.

In the afternoon heat the staff had positioned fans to keep the patients cool, and the long blonde hair of the nurse was briefly wafted as she approached. When she stopped before me, the light shone behind her and I could make out the sillouhette of her phenomenal legs through her uniform. As I sat there, It took every ounce of stamina I had to force back droplets of gland grease from bubbling to the tip of my mutton musket.

She greeted me with a seductive smile and said: “I’ll see you now, Mr Flake…please follow me…” she spoke with a voice so smoulderingly sexy that it made me want to rip out my own tongue and rub it up and down her shapely thighs like a tastebud riddled piece of sandpaper.

I walked in behind her, my eyes transfixed on her pert arse as it wiggled ever-so-slightly with every step towards the examination room.

She then sat down at the big machine, turned to me and said: “Please get undressed”. I didn’t need asking twice. Desperately trying to suppress the ready-to-launch Trident missile in my pants I closed the door, then in one swift motion I heaved my trousers and dunghampers down to the ground, before standing up proudly, putting my hands on my hips and leaning back a bit, therefore allowing my cock and balls to hang proudly down and swing slightly in the breeze.

The gorgeous nurse glanced at me, raised one perfectly trimmed eyebrow and calmy said:

“No Mr Flake, this is a Liver examination – just removing your shirt will suffice”

ooh fucking hell

Crimson faced, I slide my pants back on, remove my shirt, then lay on the bed next to the machine. The helpful hottie then begins to spend the next thirty seconds intensly rubbing jelly over my body…I thought I was on a ‘one-way ticket to Spaffsville’ as she started inching down…slowly…slowly…towards my groovy groin garden…and despite my earlier indiscretion I still thought that I was going to spurt some glistening gonad gloop out of the piss-slit of my undies right there and then.

The stunning nurse is unfazed “Let’s give you a full ‘once over’ shall we?” she states clearly and professionally, yet every word still oozes with a divine eroticism as she calmy orders me to turn over one way, and then the next, before running this big torch-like thing over everything from my moobs to that funny hairy line between my cock and belly button.

Eventually, the examination is over, I wipe myself down with masses of paper towels, apologise profusely and sprint from the building with my shirt tucked under my arm.

Fast forward a week or so later and I go to the Doctors to find out the results. The quack reads me the usual riot act for my lifestyle, and then puts the scan report up on the screen for us to read together. As we study the findings, my mind wonderfully drifts back in time to when the ‘Angel of ultrasound’ was rubbing me up and down and I glaze over, looking wistfully at the monitor…

Unfortunately, I am then snatched back into reality as I notice what the nurse had written...

The report simply stated:

Liver: ‘Unremarkable’

(OK, so she could have chosen a nicer adjective, but that still meant good news – I wasn’t fucked - yay!)

Kidneys: ‘No change’

(Well, this is looking great! – I’ll be off to the pub then…)

Then I saw it…

Additional Comments: ‘Unable to get adequate reading from rest of scan - view obscured by an UNUSUALLY HIGH AMOUNT OF BOWEL GAS!’

Holy fucking wank biscuits on wheels!

I recoiled in horror, wracked with remorse at contemplating what that beautiful woman must have suffered…not only had she copped an unwanted eyeful of my ‘weapon of muff distraction’, but she had actually SEEN MY FARTS!...and nobody deserves a first-hand view of the grisly stink monsters that were perculating in my rancid guts.

Nudity seems like less of an issue for me now, considering that someone has actually looked inside of me, but still...I don’t care what happens in the future – even if I get hit by a train or something...

I am never going back to that hospital.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 2 Jun 2009, 11:03, 17 replies)

Gold.
Pure brilliance!
(Vagajay, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 11:15, closed)

"that funny hairy line between my cock and belly button"
I've always referred to it as a ferret (mine, that is - not yours) - I'm not sure where this started, but I was surprised the other day to find that it's not a medically accurate term, apparently.

*click* for the tale, though - a sterling effort, as always
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 11:22, closed)

I prefer
'The treasure trail'

Oh and *click*
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 11:40, closed)

or
Love Line

or

Pleasure Trail
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 11:47, closed)

I like
Crab ladder.

Mmmmmmmm crabs.
(octopuspie, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 11:54, closed)

or
Crab Ladder
(edit - bugger got in before me!)
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Tue 2 Jun 2009, 11:54, closed)

^this^
Pant Ferret was the preferred nomeclature throughout my youth. Likewise I'm not sure of the origin.

And Mr Flake, have yourself another *click* for unleashing another marvellous and mirthful post
(Rotimer was micturating windward at, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 13:02, closed)

Holy fucking wank biscuits on wheels!
Consider this phrase taxed, Mr...

As always, great work - and, yes... I really do love you, I mean REALLY. If I could bare your children I would (or we could just have alot of fun trying).
( SpankyHanky, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 14:10, closed)

I'd watch your homophones if I were you
Bear (in the medical sense) = carry to term
Bare = make naked

Now are you really sure "If I could bare your children I would (or we could just have alot of fun trying)" is really what you wanted to say?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 14:29, closed)

If there's anybody I would allow to strip my children nekked...

Then it'd be Spanky.

but I'd still probably just prefer the shag instead ;)



EDIT: shag of me...not of my children. erm...I mean...

*continues digging hole*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 2 Jun 2009, 14:34, closed)

I would gladly do any type on nekkidness with Pooflake
I would also bare his existing ones if I could, or bear him some new ones (they'd be pretty kiddies) and I'd even consider fucking a bear if that would help speed the situation along...

Writing stuff while at my desk at work with this here B3ta minimized in the corner of my screen causes all sorts of fuck ups like this - bear with me...(or bare with me - go on, you first).
( SpankyHanky, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 14:35, closed)

I myself
have written "FOS" in a chart.


FOS = full of shit
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 15:27, closed)

So in my case...

it would have been F.O.F?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 2 Jun 2009, 15:39, closed)

Sorry--that was kinda rude
I meant "obscured by stool" is common as is "unable to visualize field due to large amount of incarcerated gas" -wot she wrote. Not that you're full of shit...
I can see her giggling a little bit as she charted.

You poor thing-that full of gas must have been painful!
>mwah<
signed,
#1 pooflake fan
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 22:21, closed)

This could only happen to you honey ;o)
Splendidly told as always. Have a click as big as your mutton dagger my dear! xxx
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 17:36, closed)

I don't care HOW good your posts are (and this one's a doozy!)
You're still a tosspot.*

Excellent storytelling, as always big boy**

Twangage tomorrow night?



** see *above
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 17:46, closed)