The Father, The Swings and The Gostly Wire, Arsehole.
If any of you out there have read my QOTW posts on terrible parenting and sleepwalking regarding my father, you will know that this man is the high cunt of the cunts. If you have not, please read them now before reading this. www.b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=60088

Our story takes place in the summer of 1992; it must have been midweek night as my father only stayed in during weekdays as his weekends were for getting lashed with the lads. Myself, mum, my pal Danny and his mum were taking an evening stroll around the local park with our respected ‘shit machine’ pooches. It was a beautiful evening; the bloodshot sky commanded a regal majesty and the air wrapped everything around it in a blanket of warm mothering comfort, one of those summer evenings that you wish would never end. But by the end of the night I was wishing that day away. After several hours of meandering it was decided that we would all go back to my house. “Perfect” I think to myself; me and Danny could play my NES and our parents could talk bollocks while drinking wine, the evening was set.

We arrive back at my house, the dogs are set down for the night, mother tells me and Danny that we cannot play on the swings at the bottom of the garden as my father had informed her earlier in the week that they are not safe to use at the moment, so to the lounge it was then for some NES action. It did not argue with my mother about the use of the swings due to my eagerness to play some Mario but I did think it was a bit strange that they were broken, as I was playing on them earlier in the day and all seemed fine to me. But fuck it, Mario here we come.

We must have been back from the park for at least an hour and all was still in the house, father had obviously buggered off out while we were dog walking, my sister was staying at her friends house and the dog was fast asleep. Mother beckons us to come out from the living room and sit on the decking, no we replied as this was before the days you could save a computer game. But she made us come out to ‘enjoy’ the evening and stop ‘frying our brains’. Sitting down, listening to our parents talk utter bollocks about the neighbours was like having root canal surgery and knowing Mario was only 10 feet away made it even worse but we cracked out some comics and read away. Little did we know that our evening was about to change for the worse?

Without a gust of wind in the air one of the swings suddenly moves in a perfect arc. I was the only one to see this and I alerted this to everyone’s presence only to be told it was probably a cat or something. At this point I am a little alarmed and being a swing connoisseur I knew it was a perfect arc that could only be created by someone or something sitting on it. The logical part of my brain was telling to me to investigate but I was far too petrified to be that brave, and besides it was fifty feet away and it was getting dark. All was quiet for about a minute or so, everyone went back to talking bollocks and reading comics, then the second swings moves. Again, it was a perfect arc but this time, just to add more creepy tension, the swing creaked. This time I was not alone in the experience as my friend’s mother had spotted the strange movement, suddenly all was not well in our garden. My mother was still sceptical until both swings and the see-saw moved in perfect harmony, now panic had set in across the group. Cries of “what the fuck” came bellowing out of my usually calm mother, her friend started to shake and wanted to go home, my friend Danny had started to cry and yours truly needed the toilet as it was bicycle clip time.

The swings kept moving for about thirty seconds and then there was a sudden halt to the paranormal proceedings. A deadly calm set over the four of us, looks of collective paranoia were passed from one to another, my mother went to the rear entrance of the house only to find the door had been locked. She started to yank and hammer at the door like a possessed demon and to add to this panic the swings suddenly started to arc again. I was crying and screaming, so was my friend; this situation was getting out of hand. Then silence hit us again, it was like the eye of the storm, and we knew there maybe more to come so we huddled together to collectively gain some courage. Then the maniac laughter began from above, it was pure evil, and it was straight from the bowels of hell. From the bedroom above a light suddenly came on and the laughter grew, we stepped cautiously further into the garden to investigate. From the brightness of the room my fathers head could be seen, it was leaning backwards trying to stop a heart attack brought on by gut laughing. Then he moves his hands into the light and the swings behind us move again. Think evil puppet master at this point.

This is why he is a cunt!!! He had used invincible wire to connect up the swings to his hands. My first question is where the fuck did he get the wire from, secondly how the hell did he rig it up and thirdly why? He did it because he in plain and simply a cunt, the rig took him a few hours of careful planning and sneaking around and he nicked the wire from an old theatre he and his brothers were renovating the week before. What kind of sick mind does this? Oh, the door thing, he creped down and very very sneakily locked the door while everyone was talking. I have never been so scared in my fucking life and if you have read the Freddy Krueger story you will know that he fucked me up like this before. Mother was less than impress, friend and his mother eventually saw the funny side and I have learned from the best.

Length- about fifty feet of invincible wire
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 1:06, 8 replies)

It never dies!!!
That invincible wire.

And I've now got this image of your dad sneaking about using pancakes for slippers
(weedom, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 1:31, closed)

Hahaha, that's brilliant.
Your dad is clearly some kind of genius.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 2:14, closed)

.
I'm going to have to steal this plan for any minifreddles''s'ss' that come along :)
(Freddles, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 4:03, closed)

i just read all your other posts about your dad
and he seems like a bit of a legend
i mean if you ignore the pissing in the wardrobe and farting on your face in the middle of a bit of hankypanky thing
(Freddles, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 4:15, closed)

funny!
he is pretty funny, there are loads more stories about him that i will tell when the right question comes up. the drunk bagpipe player at his uncle danny's funeral is a classic. but that is for another day.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 6:12, closed)

No
that is for today
please elaborate :)
(Freddles, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 10:18, closed)

Hahahaha two words...
social

services

:D
( barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 12:53, closed)

Your Dad
is a hero. Be in awe, learn from him, become the New Master.
(Rsoles, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 21:26, closed)