One cold dark night
I was stumbling from pub to pub, feeling all lonely and miserable and to be honest completely fucked on tennants and vodka. I'd lost my mates from being an arse that night and was generally in a terrible mood.

"I know!" exclaimed I to nobody in particular..

"I'll pull a bird! A Gorgeous one!. And I'll take a photo on my camera phone to prove to my mates that I'm not a complete bell-end!" (I am)

So snuffing a line of coke off the cistern in the Toilets of the current club, I purposely strut outside and find my target.

Oh she was gorgeous. As if everyone on the dance floor revolved around her and the bright white of her outfit radiated like a beacon in this dingy hole of a club.

So I went for the old "I'm just dancing here by chance beside you - OOPS did we just half-collide - OH LOOK I'm now dancing with you!" routine and she was loving my moves and grooves. I caressed the small of her back while ambling to the sound of Will.I.am feat. Cheryl Cole Heartbreaker.

Things went so well that once the lights came up and the bouncers ushered us out, it was no surprise that this mystery woman invited me back to hers for a few more lines and maybe some poppers if I got lucky.

I didn't care about paying for the taxi as I was so eagerously eager. We kissed in the taxi as I fondled the £4.25 in coins in my pocket. I fumbled the change towards the Croat driver and we leapt from the taxi and sped upstairs to get down to business.

We sat down close on the chez long and again started kissing. As my tongue caressed her gums I slipped off her dress and in the dimly lit ambience I finally got to see her luscious curves.

As she danced a sultry dance before my eyes completely nekkid I surrepticiosly began recording with my Samsung D900 that I recently acquired, hoping to catch this hymend harlot in full flow. As she turned round to face me again I quickly turned off the camera phone and, I won't go into too much detail about what happened next. Needless to say it involved 22 beautiful and lustful seconds, three and a half inches of pure carnal rage and 4 or 5 Somerfield simply value facial tissues.

Now hangovers hit me bad, so in the morning leaving my number behind as she slept, I carefully escaped lest she saw me in the ever attractive "dying" state.

So I got back to the flat where the lads were waiting. Thankfully they apologised to me for the previous nights laddish banter (spitting my drink/face, trapping my fingers between tables, stealing my money etc etc) which made me feel even better, as I was about to reveal the absolute STUNNER who I had henceforth made feel beautiful.

Whipping out my Samsung, I let them have it. And they huddled around to watch.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD" "HOLY SHIT" "rrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

Were some of the things they cried. They turned pale and threw the phone back at me saying I just HAD to see exactly what I had "done".

Yes as the dancing beauty turned away from the camera, I caught a flash of something I hadn't noticed when there in person. What the fuck was that I just saw HANGING FROM HER ARSE.

Yes folks, it was at that point I realised I had become witness, to the Tail of the undressed-dame.



I suppose I didn't apologise for length so nor should she...
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 11:59, 1 reply)

My apologies
But i believe you deserve to be hanged :)
clicks for annoyance
(Freddles, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 11:32, closed)