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This is a question Utterly Drunk

Now is your chance to warn others of the dangers of drinking to excess. On the other hand, what hilarious japes did you get up to while shitfaced?

Thanks to Battered for the suggestion

(, Thu 14 Feb 2013, 11:55)
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Frisbee Alan.
Let me tell you a story, a story of one man's tragic lifelong struggle with the bottle. Let's call him Alan (for that is his name).

wavy lines

Alan was born into a normal family in Wigan in the early 1990s. At first there was nothing unusual about him, apart from his buck-toothed pustule-ridden face and his lank, greasy ginger hair. A happy-go-lucky boy, he spent his time building Airfix kits and painting them. One fateful day, Alan was working on his latest creation (a Sherman tank, Mk II I think it was) and became so engrossed in his work than he reached for a drink and absentmindedly picked up not the bottle of Panda cherryade he'd been drinking, but the jar of turpentine in which he cleaned his brushes. An almost audible whoosh of pleasure rushed through Alan's body - this was it. Suddenly he felt better than he'd ever done before. All he knew was that he loved that turps like a miner loves gold, and he wouldn't rest until he had some more.

Wind the clock forward 15 years. No longer that optimistic, cheery (but cripplingly ugly and smelly) boy - now a mere wreck of a man, his abortive attempts at becoming a teaboy at a legal practice foiled again and again as he would repeatedly be caught drinking Tipp-ex thinners and shoe polish on his ever-lengthening lunch breaks. Once the jobs went, so did Alan's abilty to pay his rent. Now the bus shelter was his house, the bins his larder...only one thing remained constant: the turps. One by one even the local vagrants turned their backs on him as he would steal the sherry from their bedrolls, and the stench from his shit-filled corduroys became ever-more repulsive.

Something something something Darth Vader.


I really can't be arsed to write any more, soz.
tl:dr Alan is an alkie with no dignity LOL
(, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:27, 9 replies)
Well done.

(, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:32, closed)

(, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:33, closed)

(, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:41, closed)
This to win

(, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:44, closed)
Frisbee Alan would be a great lol name for a indie band.

(, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:54, closed)
Fucking cuntbag, what a fucking liar.
I don't come from Wigan.
(, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 16:04, closed)
Oh Alan.
You can't even remember where you're from. It's heartbreaking.
(, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 16:13, closed)
That's a relief.
For a while there I had a realistic concern I might be your father.
(, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 19:36, closed)
No danger of that
He's not called Luke.
(, Sat 16 Feb 2013, 19:37, closed)

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