Two people have now as for a pea pea pea roast. Who am I to not give to them?
I used to live in Bangkok, and also like a bit of a drink. As such for many years I used to wake up still langered with strange girls in my bed. The usual thing to do in this situation is grope around a bit, then have a nice drunken bleary eyed morning shag then send the young lady on her way, with the money in her purse to keep her kids in shoes for another month.

You think this is going to be about waking up with a ladyboy don't you. You're wrong. This is much much worse.

So I'd been away for a few years, and it was time to pop home to visit friends and family for a week. I arrived had dinner with the parents, and it was off down the pub for a session with the mates.

Now I like to think I can take my drink, but the combination of getting on the plane pissed, drinking for the entire flight- good old Thai air, they still ply you with drink to this day- then an evening down the local on top of my jet lag, and I was in a right state. At least I think I was, as I can't remember this part of the story, I'm piecing it together from what I've been told, and a little deduction.

So it's 2 in the morning, the local gorgonzola city club is kicking out, and I need to go back to the parents' house for some long overdue sleep.

But on arriving at the front door I had the old can't get the key in the lock problem, so in the end settled for sleeping on the garden path in front of the front door.

Now my dad is a baker, and as such gets up very early in the morning to go to work. So at around 5 he opens the front door to find me asleep on the path, wakes me up, tells me I'm an idiot, and sends me inside to go to bed.

I stumble upstairs climb into bed, and all is well with the world. I can remember none of this.

What I can remember, is waking up about an hour later- why is it when you've been on a proper bender you can only sleep for a short time, when what you need is a good eight hours?- in a darkened room, pissed out of my face, and a bit disorientated.

Now I thought I was still in my room in Bangkok, and true to form there was a nice warm body in the bed next to me. So what else could I do, but try and get it on. But things didn't go as usual, my advances were met with screams of Eden, what the fuck are you doing?

Yes, I had stumbled upstairs, and got into bed with my mum. Apparently she had tried to kick me into my own bed, but to no avail, so had gone back to sleep, with me sleeping in her bed. Then I woke up and tried it on.

At least these days when I get hampered, I always wake up next to my lovely wife.

Don't make the length jokes. Please don't.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 16:26, 13 replies)

booze is a stimulant
and as such will break up your sleeping patterns.
i got on the wagon for 4 months after an ill advised 'cider festival aftermath waking up pissing on fiance's massage table' incident and now wehn i have a glass or two of red, i notice it much more. i wake up at 12/ 1 ish, wide awake.

never tried to fondle mummy tho.
(magictorch, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 16:38, closed)

You totes should have dissolved her in a bath of lime.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 16:55, closed)

You still dribbled one up her though, right?
You don't pass up a drooly old mott like that.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 18:00, closed)

And he wouldn't have had to have paid her either, unlike the ones in Thailand.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 18:37, closed)

I hope this isn't a subtle reference to the grim and tragic cliche of an unappealing fat European paying for sex from underage or underage-looking girls in Thailand.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 19:03, closed)

Careful, you're starting to sound paranoid.
I don't think it was aimed at you personally.
( 4Q just lurking, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 19:12, closed)

I'm more into Filipino boys.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 19:42, closed)

Fucking hipster.

( 4Q just lurking, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 19:46, closed)

Thai girls clash with my tweed plus fours and asymmetrical hair.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 20:04, closed)

That was proper heroic, I was expecting awkward kathoey moment after I saw the word Bangkok.
Could have been worse, she might have let you slip it up the wrong un and not made a noise.
(Finster Ate a cat biscuit for a bet, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 21:00, closed)

Unfortunately, I've done that as well.
Twice to my knowledge, but neither time on purpose. I could pea roast one of those, too.

Edit: Smashed down a kathoey's back door that is, not my mum.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 22:18, closed)

I'm *so* glad you added that disclaimer...

(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 14:00, closed)

GAY.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 18:54, closed)