The EnviroCrime Department
Harking back to a time when I used to live in a somewhat more scummy part of London, I looked out of the Living room window one Sunday morn, only to see the following motif: "D'Corum woz ere", scrawled in 6 foot high letters on the road in front of my house.

Not the most imaginative statement I think you'll agree, but at least he'd made an attempt to punctuate it, although there probably should have been and apostrophe before the "ere" -Anyway, I digress.

Having seen posters by the Met and the Mayor of London about graffiti - "Graffiti, Together we can fight it! (or something)' I decided to ring up the local Rozzers.

There were two things they wanted to know: 1. Had I seen anyone in the act of committing the crime and 2. Did any of the graffiti touch my property. The answer was 'no' to both questions. Point 1 - because there were no witnesses their view was there was no point getting off their fat lazy arses to investigate. Point 2, because the graffiti was on the road outside, and wasn't technically touching my property, I wasn't a victim. In fact if anyone was the victim, it was the local council, and if anyone wanted to put together a prosecution, it would be the council too. I then entered into a philosophical discussion about whether just because you're the witness rather than the victim of a crime, does that mean it is no longer a crime. If a tree falls in a forest....?

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I was instructed to ring up the Council's dubious sounding Enviro-Crime department. I explained the situation to the Phone-Monkey and was then asked, was the graffiti racist or offensive in anyway? Too dim to realise where this was going, I explained what it said, and that the "ere" was lacking an apostorophe - Hell, Lynne Truss could walk down our street at any moment and I wouldn't like to take my chances with that kind of pedantry! Basically, what he was driving at was that if it was racist or had a swear word in it, it would become a priority and would be removed quicker. I kicked myself for not insisting that the e in ere looked a bit like a swastika!

A few days later they did eventually clean up the Graffiti and all was right with the world again.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Tue 12 Oct 2010, 23:47, 3 replies)

So, your story is 'I reported something to the council and they sorted it out'?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 8:19, closed)

fascinating.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 13:04, closed)

Well yah boo sucks to you!

(Nitrous Nitrous, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 22:46, closed)