Jesus wept: I was in Fear.
It was without doubt one of the best, yet simultaniuosly worst time of my life.

The Scene: School. A picturesque lakeland town, where a few holiday houses were situated.
Spotted one day, sat on the wall was a lass who quite blatantly was not from the area.

I was 15, Bold, and had nothing to do all afternoon. Introductions went well, the afternoon went like a breeze; after agreeing to meet the next day we part with a kiss. Sorted.

Next evening we're sat on a hillsie looking out over the town, gently fiddlnig and cuddling, and the following conversation ensues.
"Penny for your thoughts" drops off my lips.
"sex" says she.
After mentally running a victory lap of the world, I delve deeper... "be more specific"
"I'm Wondeing what sex would be like with you"
*another victory lap.... this time with WOO and YAY on a banner*
"couldn't say", says I trying to be mature, never done it, so I have no idea if it's be good" *pats self on head for smoothness*
"well, I have no idea either... but we could find out....."
Smart-arse here has a rug, and rubber with him... so suggests we toddle off into the woods...
"no" says she... "I have to go talk to my mum first"
No probs.. she's obvously gonna say "Off for a walk with Humpty Mum.... back in a bit"
"sure" says I. "I'll meet you back here"
"no, You're coming with me"
*eeeep* We walk to the cottage, and she rings the doorbell.
Mum "Hello L, Where've you been"
L "hi mum, this is Humpty, we've been for a walk"
Mum "ahh. That's nice"
L "Mum?... We're going to go and have sex"
At this point, I nearly lost bowel control.

A minor grilling ensued, and I was asked things like "And what do you think of this Humpty?" (erm... it feels right to me) etc.

We eventually (bless her mum and her modern way of thinking) toddled off to a quiet bit of countryside (long grass, a field miles from anywhere, next to the River Rawthy), and lay down together...

Without going into too much detail....
1. She had the painters in.
2. Neither of us really knew what we were doing.
3. We went at it (litterally) for HOURS, and I NEVER came due to serious mum-with-hatchet paranoia.
4. We gave up when the rubber split, and I had to go fishing for it.
5. I have told this story as "my most embarrassing moment" for 13 years.
6. Having got in contact with Lyns recently, It appears that she tells everyone that I was a heroic stud who lasted for HOURS, and that she came countless times: I'm still not sure if she ever knew that I didn't come (I had no idea that she had..)

The words "Hi Mum, we're going to go and have sex" left me stood infront of her sizeable mother, feeling ver, VERY small... To this day I think the only reason I didn't run like the wind was because in light of this amazing statement, my brain was too busy melting to be able to galvanise my legs into action.

Even though I now know that they were the words that paved the way to one of my life's most heroicly told stories, It was still terrible.


Edit. I really am truly sorry about the length of my performance. I'm even MORE sorry that I turned her down 2 nights in a row afterwards. (I was too sore)*slams head aginst wall*
Edit 2: folowing the example below, We were BOTH 15.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 3 Mar 2005, 12:19, Reply)