The Jimi Hendrix Experience
One evening at a mate's house a few months ago, he offered me a couple of cans of Caffreys which I'd never tried before. It was rather yummy, Now, back when we were students, we used to go to his local where we would eschew the bar, the pool-table and the music and go sit in the corner of the lounge near some old blokes and generally talk bollocks. We established a rapport with those old blokes and one of them, Gilbert gave me a bit of advice which I filed away under 'I' for Ignore advice from old people.

Anyway, fast forward back to my mate's house and he offered me a glass of red wine which I duly relieved him of. It was then, that I remembered Gilbert's advice and told my mate - "Never mix grape and grain".
"Yeah but," my mate retorted, "he'll be rotting in a box underground somewhere, so it doesn't count."
I agreed and carried on drinking the wine, followed by another rather large glass. Eventually, I left and cycled home at the end of the night and went to bed just before 1am.

A pain in my stomach woke me about 5am and got up, staggered to the bathroom, lifted the toilet seat and knelt down to pray to Mecca, (which in this case was a small label that read "Armitage Shanks"). I gazed at the water and then belched, hiccupped and coughed at the same time and the Caffreys and red wine potion made a break for freedom. Well, it would've done if it hadn't already been part digested so consequently, all that came up was a thick goo with a consistancy of cold molasses that, because of its viscosity didn't make it as far as the open air and just coated my throat and part way up the back of my nose.

I tried to clear my throat, but I couldn't. I had no air in my lungs to cough it out of the way, and when I tried to inhale, I felt it being drawn in. I couldn't swallow so I was beginning to get a bit anxious. I'm going to asphyxiate on my own vomit and die here on the bathroom floor and no one is going to know for another 3 hours.

I stood up and tried inhaling very slowly. I managed to start drawing air and nothing else into my lungs. But it was a slow process and it took me almost 30 seconds to get a lungful; the combination of still being rather pissed and also, as I am incredibly unfit (I'd not make a very good Balinese pearl diver), being light-headed from the lack of oxygen, my knees give way. I stumbled to the ground but Lady Serendipity was by my side (for a fucking change I might add) and I crashed on to the edge of the bath which struck me squarely under the ribs. This ad hoc Heimlich Manouvre caused me to eject whatever was left in my throat, clearing my airways and causing me to do a reasonable impression of the small dinosaur that gobs in that blokes face on Jurassic Park. I rolled over and slumped to the floor gasping for breath, leaning against the bath.

Just then, Mrs SLVA bursts in.
"What the fuck's going on, making a right racket, you've woke me up. And you've puked in the bath, you disgusting twat! I'll tell you what, I aren't cleaning it up."
"Urghh, I nearly choked on my own vomit" I splutter.
"Shut up you daft spaz, you shouldn't get so bastard pissed then should you? Don't bother coming back to bed until you've cleaned that bath"
"I could've died! Like Jimi Hendrix" I said weakly and frankly rather unconvincingly. She would have been more convinced if I had told her I had invented Tuesdays.
"I friggin' mean it" she hissed and drove home the point by punting me in the leg. She left and went back to bed. I cleaned up and went back to bed myself.

She was a bit more sympathetic in the morning but I'm not allowed to forget it. If I get over a certain level of intoxication, with her fairly accurate lead-guitar impersonation, she will recreate the opening few bars of Voodoo Chile much to my chagrin.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 12:26, 2 replies)

Click
But only because I like the sound of your wife - I can't tolerate other drunks either.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 12:47, closed)

She is the lovliest woman ever
but woebetide if she's tired or gets woken up
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 12:51, closed)