Rover 2000
Back when I was a wee Empress, my father had an old Rover 2000 - a lovely dark blue colour, with real leather upholstery. It looked lovely, but (as with any leather-interior car) it could smell a bit ripe after sitting in the sun for a few hours.

One lovely summer weekend we were going to visit some family friends in Somerset, and were invited to lunch along the way by my grandmother, who loved in Oxfordshire; she loved spoiling my brother and I rotten, so had bought in lots of lovely ice-cream for the occasion! My parents must have been feeling particularly benevolent that day, as they let me have ice-cream instead of a starter, ice-cream instead of a main course, and ice--cream for pudding. With some extra ice-cream afterwards whilst they drank their coffee.

We got back in the car and continued on our merry way. I was bouncing off the walls of the little car due to my massive sugar intake, and just couldn't keep still. Moreover, the car smelt like Satan's arse after sitting in the direct sunlight over lunch, and it was really cloying. As we got closer and closer to our destination, I got quieter and quieter - my father suspected that I was feeling carsick, so started driving faster and faster down the winding, twisty country lanes. My stomach was churning desperately, but he didn't dare slow down... we were nearly there, we were going to make it!

With a feeling of relief, he turned into the driveway of our destination; with a feeling of relief, my stomach finally decided to soothe itself, as I erupted in a gloopy tide of strawberry-smelling sludge, the texture of which had more in common with porridge than ice-cream... It flowed over my chest and lap, over the leather seats of the car, onto the floor and under the driver's seat. My brother screamed, my mother screamed...my father swore. The family we were staying with came out into the driveway to greet us, their smiles turning to blank looks of horror as I got out of the car, a dejected little pink-covered chundermonster. My family got out of the car, but the hearty "hello's" and "how are you's" faded into silence at the sight of me. However, their dog had no such qualms and bounded up to say hello to me. He licked my face excitedly, then my chest, then my legs...getting happier and happier every second! Once I was cleaned up he jumped into the car, and yummed up the second-hand strawberry as fast as his little doggy tongue could work! With a sigh, our hostess turned to my father. "If the dog's sick, I think your daughter should clean it up" was all she said, then invited us in for tea and (in my case) a shower.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sun 10 Jan 2010, 16:44, Reply)