Finally!
Been waiting 3 years for this question. Its too easy.

Matthew I - a mong without being an actual mong.

First off, in PE, specifically, the shot putt. He couldnt lift it. So he had to use a PRACTICE CRICKET BALL. And he still came LAST.

He was thick. Like Jade Goody thick. He was tiny you could lift him up off the ground with one hand even when he was about 16. He never tried to do anything. He wouldnt have got a thousandth of the grief he did if he just tried to do something. In 5th year, 1st year kids would quite regualarly kick the shit out of him.

He thought everyone in our class was on drugs (he had heard about them on Blue Peter). We spent years re-inforcing this belief. We used to drop little foil packets of flour and salt in front of him "accidentally" and always used to have "drug paraphanalia" - this was 1984, we made it up, there werent drugs back then in middle class cheshire if you were 12. He used go absolutely mental and run off to the headmaster. We did this for years, daily, and he never realised.

About 4 years in to school, and we werent bored with it, we kind of put up with him but he was tired really, I decided to do something rather brilliant/quite nasty. I went round to his house and introduced myself to his (rather elderly) parents as Matthew's 'friend'. So delighted was Mrs I. to have a visitor for the little treasure, she showed me straight through to his room. The look on his little stupid face as I walked in all smiley was unforgettable. I made him show me all his stuff for ages, with him never quite sure why I was there or my motivations. I think I just wanted to show him that I could walk in to his life whenever I liked.

Yes, I'm probably going to hell. I should point out that we didnt understand words like 'psychological torture' when we were kids. We, his classmates, weren't physical bullies, we never hit him or anything like that. We used to get the occasional kickings from the proper hard kids. He was the ultimate weird kid in class though. The last time i saw him he was working the plastic cup beer bar at the M.E.N arena. You cant miss him, he looks like a mong.

In fairness, he knew the Guiness Book of Pop Music off by heart which led to him single handedly winning the Radio 1 Pop Quiz - the one with Mike Read - a few times. They even used to record it at our school.

Edit: Found this. ccr-fm.co.uk/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=162
This might be him. Not saying. OK, then, it is!
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 19 Jan 2007, 14:10, Reply)