Problem Child
In a school of inbred weirdos there are too may to list them all. But one in particular Jonathon Plant aka “problem child” due to his (not all that, I realise in retrospect) unusual family background and being a mentalist. Yelping at the moon and chewing carpets were entirely normal for him.

Prob’ as he was more usually known, would stand naked on the headboard of his bed (it being a boarding school) saying there all night in return for a Fruit Salad in the morning. Would – for more or less the same fee – walk up to the biggest and most terrifying bully in the school and shout “you’re a cnut”, before being beaten to a bloody pulp.

He once tried wanking into an old-style milk bottle having greased the inside of the neck with Vaseline. In his ejaculatory frenzy, he created a vacuum, causing his knob to swell and become even more firmly lodged in the bottle. No amount of cold water or pulling or thinking very hard about ugly people would get it off, so he had no choice but to break the glass…. one of the gutsiest actions I have ever seen.

During adolescence he developed a single zit. Just one. Right in the middle of his right cheek. He claimed to have nurtured it and massaged fatty substances into it so as it wouldn’t pop. When eventually it did, in a French lesson as I recall, it squirted a putrid jet of pale green and foul-smelling liquid clear over the classroom to the squeals of all those caught in the crossfire.

After leaving school he had a clock-face tattooed around his gentleman’s area, so that when he laid supine and naked on an east-west axis, and thought very hard about ladies, he could tell the time from the shadow cast with astonishing accuracy.

Last I heard he was living with three model-stylee beautiful Latino women in a menage a quatre – which probably goes to show that having an impressive cock/sundial makes up for much maddity.
(bastardboy loves his mummeh, but hoo is daddeh?, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 14:28, Reply)