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This is a question I witnessed a crime

Freddy Woo writes, "A group of us once staggered home so insensible with drink that we failed to notice someone being killed and buried in a shallow grave not more than 50 yards away. A crime unsolved to this day."

Have you witnessed a crime and done bugger all about it? Or are you a have-a-go hero?
Whatever. Tell us about it...

(, Thu 14 Feb 2008, 11:53)
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I got arrested for wearing black jeans
Which wasn't actually any of the minor crimes I had witnesed that night.

One weekend at Uni, a coursemate's brother was coming to visit and we all decided to get together and get wasted. The brother (I completely forget his name, so I shall just call him 'Moron') arrived a bit late and the rest of us had already drunk a 2 or 3 cans, smoked a spliff or two. Minor crime #1.

Moron decided he needed to do a bit of catching up. His chosen method was to neck two bottles of wine in about 3 minutes. Obviously he was suddenly and spectacularly drunk. After a further half hour or so of him being a complete twat, we decided to take him out to get some fresh air and see if that calmed him down at all as he was beginning to feel slightly sick. Before we left, one of the guys gave him a pack of Rennies, of which he ate about 9.

As we popped in to the local petrol station to buy some more skins, Moron collapsed on the floor, screaming in agony and shouting for an ambulance. Afraid that his appendix had just burst or something, we banged on the window and finally managed to get the person working in the petrol station to phone for an ambulance.

After a few minutes of us panicking that he was going to die while waiting for the ambulance to come, Moron suddenly let out an almighty belch as the 9 Rennies kicked in, leapt to his feet saying, "That feels better," and ran off down the road.

So we chased after him. Minor crime #2 - unwitting prank call to the Emergency services.

None of us had been in Bristol all that long, we knew our way around a bit but didn't know all the back streets etc. By the time we caught up with Moron, we were all pretty much lost. By the time we'd stopped him pulling windscreen wipers off random cars - Minor crime #3 - we were completely lost.

We wandered round a bit, trying to find our way to somewhere we recognised. It was getting pretty late by this time. As we sat on a wall, smoking a cigarette and wondering which direction to try next, we spotted a red Sierra with four MASSIVE geezers in it go past. They slowed down, giving us evil stares out of the window as they passed. They stopped just up the road at a phone box and one of these guys unfolded himself from the car to use the phone as another one got out and stared straight at us.

We managed to convince Moron that going over to ask directions might not be sensible and we disappeared down an alleyway.

After more wandering we spotted this same car with the same massive geezers going past and giving us evils again. We legged it. we spotted them about 2 or three more times as we walked about so it was obvious that they were driving round looking for us.

Hopelessly lost and getting to about 3am now, we tried flagging down police cars to ask the way home. All the police ignored us (thanks guys - very helfpul).

Finally...we walked round a corner to find ourselves in a place we recognised and knew the way home from. Phew!

Immediately, the first police vehicle, a dog van, which saw us pulled up next to us and the copper jumped out saying something like, "Don't move or I'll let the dog eat you!"

He wouldn't tell us why he was holding us there, just said we had to wait for other police to arrive. then he said, "Move back lads, armed response are coming through."

Which was slightly worrying but fortunately they were just chasing some drug dealers and nothing to do with us. then the red sierra pulled up and the four massive geezers piled out, followed by a police sergeant.

One of them pointed straight at my mate George saying, "That's the man officer!" Then pointed at me saying, "And him too, he's wearing black jeans."

George got handcuffed and slung into the back of a police van, I got cautioned and put in a police car to go make a statement.

It turns out that the guys in the red Sierra were bouncers from a nightclub. They'd seen 6 guys causing a bit of trouble in the club and thrown them out earlier. then they'd heard (but not actually seen) that a few guys had beaten up a few other guys outsiide the club. They assumed it was the same guys they'd thrown out. On their way home they'd seen us, assumed we were the same bunch of guys because one of them was wearing a football scarf and they thought one of them might have been wearing black jeans and phoned the police then went looking for us.

SO... George got arrested for wearing a football scarf, I got arrested for wearing black jeans, Moron got off scott free as they didn't find the 5 or 6 car aerials and windscreen wipers in his jacket pocket and everyone else had to walk about 6 miles home.

A mildly interesting reprise to this story - a couple of months later when my flatmate and I had taken a purple om for breakfast and decided to go into town to play Laser Quest, we were stopped by a copper. Knowing we had nothing on us, we agreed to take part in an ID parade.

I don't know how many other people have experienced this, but coming up on acid, inside a police station, standing in a plain white room in a roomful of people with a number above your head and the whole scene reflected in the one way mirror in front of you is quite interesting and definitely very trippy. Especially when they call your number out. Fortunately they called my number because they were rejecting me from the line up. They did the same to my mate. But they paid us a tenner each, which was handy for Laser Quest.

The copper who gave a tenner each to two guys on acid was the same one who'd threatened to let his dog eat us.

Length? Pretty much real time as it turns out (sorry about that).
(, Wed 20 Feb 2008, 10:23, 1 reply)
Honestly laughing out loud
'Moron suddenly let out an almighty belch as the 9 Rennies kicked in, leapt to his feet saying, "That feels better," and ran off down the road.'

I have images of Eric Idle (for some strange reason) doing this...I am now going to have to explain why I'm laughing loudly when I'm supposed to be doing paperwork...
(, Wed 20 Feb 2008, 10:49, closed)

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