I've been thinking long and hard about this one
Alright, it just popped into my mind without any mental pummelling at all, but it frankly sounded better in my mind. So, apart from procrastinating on these *ahem* "hallowed" pages, I like to gross out my work colleagues with some frankly disgusting stories. One of which I have just told to a frankly astounded colleague of mine.

It was late one night, and I was still living with my fiancee of the time. Now an ex-fiancee- very much so. And I am very grateful for that fact, but I digress. Now, it was three months before we were due to go back to university, but her seriously deranged mother got it into her head that perhaps it might be a good idea to buy us both a kitten. She just rocked up with it one evening, to my eternal confusion. I mean, who buys a kitten out of the blue? But once again, I digress. This seems to be a frequent activity of mine.

Anyway. At the end of the same day, in that activity common to all humans, we went to bed, placing the kitten (now named Sweetcorn after she got her head stuck in a used cup of chicken and sweetcorn soup- we'd just had Chinese that night) on a little cushion on the bedside table so we wouldn't squash her in the night, but still giving her company at the same time. And off to sleep she went, and then off to sleep we went. And I thought that would be the end of the matter.

Alas, no. I woke up with a rather curious feeling on my chest. Specifically, my nipple. It was being sucked on, and padded. I checked on my fiancee, she was fast asleep. The kitten however, was not on her bed, she was in front of me, padding my chest attempting to draw milk from a nipple that was, is, and will remain forever dry, as I don't suffer from an extreme case of gynaecomastea. Naturally, I was a little freaked out by this occurrence. It is not every day you are woken up by a small fluffy animal attempting to draw sustenance from your chest. That is, unless you happen to be a lady of the breadfeeding variety, and last I checked, babies are rarely furry, unless suffering from hypertrichinosis (a genetic condition rendering the sufferer to resemble Chewbacca). So, back to the sadly deluded kitten.

I calmly detached her from my chest, ignoring her quietly meowed protests, and then a thought hit me- a rather evil thought. I can be a bit of a bastard sometimes, and then was no exception. Lifting the covers, and leaning over my fiancee, I attached the cat to her, and leaned back to watch the show. My fiancee woke up, smiling at first, and then opened her eyes, and looked at me. And then puzzled, she looked down. And then, dear reader, I did my best impression of Jesse Owens and legged it out of the room as the shouting began.

So, how do I spend my time at work? Shoe-horning frankly bizarre, yet utterly true stories into an otherwise unrelated question of the week.

Cheers
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 9 Jan 2009, 17:22, 6 replies)

untrue post is untrue

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 17:36, closed)

pack of lies post is a pack of lies
etc
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 17:51, closed)

I TAKE IT ALL BACK, THERE IS ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE!

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 18:07, closed)

Best Post Ever

( WormuIus, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 18:34, closed)

Ahaha!
I don't care if it's true or not, it's exactly what I'd have done.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 20:32, closed)

i love the way you have started signing every post you make with Cheers...
pretend to be legless all you want, it just proves to us that you are making it up...
( Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Sun 11 Jan 2009, 2:14, closed)