Megatron
Why wasn't he replaced as leader of the Decepticons ages ago? Repeated failure after failure to destroy Optimus Prime and the rest of the Autobots, he should have been given the sack years ago.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 10:48, 5 replies)

Overheard conversation*
in the toilet of a northern pub running a Guinness promotion.

"Wass passin?"

"Farty joab."

*terrible, contrived pun but at least no sausages were alluded to in its making. Well, not German ones, anyway.
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 9:43, 1 reply)

German Sausage Vendors

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

and to think I'm wasting perfectly good working hours to read this crap
(babyjak, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 8:18, Reply)

Thre was a witch doctor.....
... who used the dried head of a hexed incumbent of a parochial benefice as a tag to keep track of his keys.
He had a cursed parson for a fob.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 7:43, Reply)

There was a food vendor needed
for an event I was helping organize. Fortunately I was able to get a sausage vendor to cover the event, so we had the wurst person for the job.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 13 Sep 2012, 6:53, Reply)

Don't trust spell check
Back in school, we had prefects 'responsible' for various bits of the IT infrastructure.

A friend was applying for such a position, and had duly writing a covering letter. Not being the world's best speller, the resulting letter was a swathe of red squiggles, which he proceeded to fix by accepting the spell checker's default suggestion every time.

This proved somewhat unwise! He ended up submitting an application letter that opened:


Dear Mr Smith,

I am appalling for the job of...
(FiftyThreeEleven, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 23:22, 5 replies)

I went to the local rub 'n' tug the other day
The receptionist told me all the ladys were currently busy and there was only one person available, "He's a regular on mock the week" I was told, but I had never heard of him before. I was then asked what services I required. I wanted a wank by someone wearing animal skin gloves.
I replied

"Who's Parsons? Fur hand job."
(Figmaus, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 22:36, Reply)

Kenny Dalglish

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 22:10, 4 replies)

I used to cater for Moonie weddings, and the starters, which were usually corn on the cob, came in tetrapaks.
The tetrapaks varied in size, so you wouldn't know how many portions were in each. Hang on, I'm almost there. So, this one time, right, I managed to serve twenty couples out of one tetrapak.
That was my forty portions of the cob.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 22:06, Reply)

I once had work fixing a roof on a heritage cottage in Surrey
I was in the habit of wearing two watches, but I burnt the bands on both getting the kettle out of the fireplace. I decided I might as well use them to fix the remaining hole in the roof.
It was the wrist-pair singed for thatch job
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 21:53, Reply)

I was having some decorating done
I'd gone for plain wallpaper painted over with emulsion to try and hide the roughness of the walls. Whilst happy with the standard of the work, there was still a degree of visible unevenness and I suggested that maybe applying some textured paint with a sponge might further hide the problem.

The owner of the decorating company, who I believe was from Newcastle, agreed, adding that he occasionally employed a couple of guys on a self employed basis for just this type of work, saying, "I'll get wor stipplers in for the job."
( High Lord Phanty, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 18:54, 1 reply)

CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 18:41, 4 replies)