b3ta.com user Dean
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Profile for Dean:
Profile Info:

My name is Dean

Recent front page messages:

The idea came to me in a dream

(Sat 25th May 2002, 14:26, More)

This took far too long

(Wed 22nd May 2002, 20:18, More)

Ok, who ordered the Chinese Take-Away Woo Yay?

Careful, its still hot.
(Sat 18th May 2002, 20:38, More)

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been sacked...
...for slacking at work.

This comes as a result of my spending too much time on the internet, or namely the b3ta.com message board.

This wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact i work as a cleaner in my college.

I think i should get the front page for being the first official b3ta.com casualty.


(Wed 1st May 2002, 15:29, More)

Miffy = Bad


Ask yourself: is it really worth your childs life?
(Tue 23rd Apr 2002, 14:01, More)

What started as a Woo and Yay anim became an epic


(N.B this was just testing out the idea, i plan to make more in famous locations like Brighton Pier etc.)
(Thu 18th Apr 2002, 13:56, More)

My Imaginary Friends

(Sun 14th Apr 2002, 20:34, More)

The draw machine
For the cheese lottery...



I'll close the door on my way out...
(Fri 12th Apr 2002, 13:35, More)

.

(Thu 11th Apr 2002, 12:27, More)

The early morning return of 'Nasty Jesus'

(Fri 22nd Mar 2002, 1:54, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Accidental innuendo

In my GCSE maths class...
...back in the days of the old school, one of my friends was talking loudly about how he'd just got himself a job working for Kentucky Fried Chicken, when our attractive young lady teacher overheard and said:

'Does that mean if i come in you'll give me a large portion?'

Laugh? Laugh!? 15 years on and it still makes me chuckle like a 14 year old school boy. I'm laughing again now, 'large portion!' lolz!
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 12:36, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

Call Centers and Crematoriums
This QOTW is so good that i'll suspend my 3 year long b3ta uber-lurk.

1. There is no point ever calling a BT call center after 5pm as that is when all the management go home leaving only the woefully under-trained phone-monkeys who have absolutely no idea how to resolve your problem, so your call will just be transfered from one inept department to another til 8pm when everyone gets to go home and they'll just hang up on you. Also its worth never being rude to call center staff because they will just transfer your call to the Indian call center department and it will take days to sort your problem rather than hours. (or at least i used to)

2. Friend of mine used to work in a crematorium and told me that they will burn anywhere between 5 and 10 bodies in a day, pile all the ashes together and then just divide them out to the relatives. So grandmas ashes are really 1/5th grandma, 1/5th over-dose victim, 1/5th former motorbike rider etc etc

*1x length joke*
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 17:03, More)

» Pet Peeves

Apple Macs
I'm sure I won't be the first to kick off over these awful bloody 'my-first-computer' devices, here’s the shortlist:

The mouse only has one fucking button! The mouse on my PC has 5 different buttons AND a wheel! So, you want me to press a button on the keyboard to right click on something? Fuck off.

The way the windows scrunch up and slide off the bottom of the screen when you minimize them, it makes me feel like I’m going to be sick every time I see it.

The way icons bounce up and down in the task bar like the annoying kid in school that wants the teacher to pick them to answer the question, 'Oooh Miss! Miss! Miss! Pick me! Ooooh I’ve finally finished loading, oh oh oh look I’m so pleased with myself!'

The @ key ain't where it aught to be.

The way the desktop icons are just all over the place, when ever I use one I have to neatly line up all the icons down the left hand side before I can do anything else.

The way people on TV and in movies always seem to be using the bloody things and never a PC (I'm looking at you 'Sex in the City').

Those fucking Mitchell and Webb Mac adverts.

...In fact every single Mac advert ever made.

Mac People, the people who love them and go on and on about how they are so much better for Photoshop or video editing, they aren't, ok? They just fucking aren't.

iTunes? Fucking iTunes? Don't you know there are lots and lots of diffrent ways to download the same files for nothing?

iPods? Don’t get me started! You show me someone who has an iPod, uses it everyday, and has it still working after a year and I’ll show you a fucking liar.

I think that'll do for now, if I've left anything off please add more.

Length, Girth, Whatever.
(Fri 2nd May 2008, 15:44, More)

» Phobias

Those F'ing Flying Daddy Longlegs
'Tipulidae Phobia'

Spiders don't bother me at all, even the long skinny ones and fat hairy ones, and I’ll tell you for why, because they are predictable. The spider is in the bath/on the floor/wherever, and ive got good old reliable gravity on my side making sure that’s where it stays.

What sick fucker decided to give these little bastards the ability to fly? Not just fly but awkwardly hop about like they're stop-motion animated like some awful harryhausen monster. And they go for you as well, if anything a spider will do its best to run away from you, but on these guys, they think to themselves 'I could have him' and fly right for your face and hair!

My biggest fear is when im alone and one comes in to my room, so I look for something to destroy it with, but while im looking I lose track of where it went... the *panic* sets in...

Where. the. fuck. did. it. go?

I’m backed in to a corner in abject terror like someone from the old school Doctor Who episodes encountering some awful alien creature that the budget doesn't streach to showing so its all down to the look on the persons face to show how scary it is.

Anyone whos played Resident Evil or Silent Hill and has found themselfs in a room where they can *hear* the monster but not see it will know my fear...
(Thu 10th Apr 2008, 15:04, More)

» Phobias

Crisps
'Solanum tuberosum phobia'

My boss at my new job informed me on my first day that i would be sacked on the spot were I to bring in a packet of crisps to eat with my lunch, as he has an uncontrolable fear of the delicious crunchy snack. He went so far as to demonstrate how close he can get to an open pack before he starts to feel uncomfortable, 4 feet seems to be the maximum before teh fear kicks in.

So i asked 'what about other crisp-type snacks, like Doritos or Quavers?' to which he replyed 'Quavers are the worst, i can't even go in the same room as an open packet of Quavers'

He did however add that ready salted crisps are ok, and he loves to eat them.
(Thu 10th Apr 2008, 14:20, More)
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