» Toilets

Arse Symphony
After a night of narcotics and dancing at a club i got home at 6am and needed to go for a dump. I had gone with a mate who was vegitating in the lounge and my missus was in bed as she didn't go.

Anyway having a shite and I let out a ripping fart, like you do sometimes. Then another ripping fart came out....... no poo. Then I kid you not for about 20 mins all I did was rip out the loudest farts non stop without having a dump. Imagine the sounds of extra loud farts eching in a toilet bowl at 6am and you can imagine how loud and offensive it sounded. My missus got woken up by the sounds as they passed through doors and walls and my mate was banging on the door thinking i was dying.

Probably one of my most embarrassing toilet moments ever.
(Mon 5th Sep 2005, 8:24, More)

» Pretentious bollocks

Pretentious hairstyles?
Can a hairstyle be pretentious.

All these cunts walking about with peacock style over elaborate hairstyles whilst wearing suit jackets and £200 jeans. Your not a popstar or a footballer you twat, you work in a office and want to pretend you are something better then you are.

Loser.
(Tue 4th Oct 2005, 8:01, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Prison Wanks
My mate got banged up in Feltham and I visited him a couple of times. The conversation arose about how you relieve yourself sexually. He said due to the obvious lack of women and the boredom of your straightforward wank they had to devise new ways to stimulate themselves. Based on what he told me I have a top 5 of prison self loving.

5. The left handed wank
4. The two handed wank (similar to starting a fire with sticks)
3. The sitting on your hand for ages till it goes numb wank (apparently it doesn't feel like you are doing it)
2. The hand under the leg wank (takes practice as you could fall over)

1. The no hands wank - Cutting a hole in your mattress and filling it with vaseline and shagging it.

As you can see prison life is very hard for a masturbator.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 10:22, More)

» Your Revenge Stories

The Vicks of shit
There was a moody cow that we shared a flat with and she left me and my missus in the lurch by leaving halfway through the contract for no reason. I can't get across in words what a nasty, cowardly, moody shit of a person she really is. She was packing her stuff and was out for the evening, so I thought..... payback time. She was a sniffly little cow and she had left her Vicks inhaler on her bed. I had a shit and it was a real sloppy one and the pushed the inhaler tube up my ring. It slipped in nice as it was still shitty as i hadn't wiped my arse yet. I actually saw particles of shit disappear down the hole on the top and I pushed it in further with a cotton wool bud. I then cleaned the evidence of inhaler and put it nicely back on her bed. Take that you slut and inhale my shit. I also pissed in her face cream.

yes I do hate her.
(Fri 14th May 2004, 10:39, More)

» Shit Stories

Magnum Mick
when I was 5 and I was playing football in the playground I was well engrossed and didn't even realise that i needed a dump. The next minute I had shit my pants and was doing a special shit pants crab run to the toilet. I started to cry and went to the teacher. She was very good and looked after me. In those days they had a drawer with loads of spare clothes and she gave me some spare pants. She gave me these quality magnum PI pants complete with a Ferrari, a helicopter and the man himself with his big tash on the front.

I ended up loving my magnum pants they looked so cool.

Well after telling that story to a few pals I am now known to some people as Magnum Mick. Bastards.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 13:32, More)