» Heckles

Here it is. Thank Wikiquote.
["Freebird!"]

Please quit yellin' that. It's not funny, it's not clever; it's stupid, it's repetitive. Why the fuck would you continue to yell that? I'm serious.

[Crowdmember yells out "Kevin Matthews!"]

Okay, Kevin Matthews. What does that mean now? Now what does it mean? I understand where it comes from, so do you. Now what does it all mean? What is the culmination of yelling that?

["Jimmy Shorts!"]

Jimmy Shorts. He's not here. He's not gonna be here, now what? Now where are we? We're here with you interrupting me again, you fucking idiot! That's ... you see where we're at? We're here at the same point again, where you, the FUCKING PEON MASSES, can once again ruin anyone who tries to do anything because you don't know how to do it on your own! That's where we're fuckin' at! Once again, the useless wastes of fucking flesh that has ruined everything good in the goddamn world! That's where we're at! HITLER HAD THE RIGHT IDEA, HE WAS JUST AN UNDERACHIEVER! KILL THEM ALL, ADOLF, ALL OF EM! JEW, MEXICAN, AMERICAN WHITE, KILL THEM ALL! START OVER! THE EXPERIMENT DIDN'T WORK! RAIN FORTY DAYS, PLEEEASE FUCKING RAIN TO WASH THESE FUCKING TURDS OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE! WASH THESE HUMAN WASTES OF FLESH AND BONE OFF THIS PLANET!! I PRAY TO YOU, GOD, KILL THESE FUCKING PEOPLE!!!!!

["Freebird!"]

Freebird. [drops the mike and storms off stage]
(Sat 8th Apr 2006, 1:41, More)

» The Police

To people like stusut who make up weird shit for no reason
One thing to say.


(Sun 25th Sep 2005, 0:30, More)

» Toilets

Time for me, I think...
to retell the story about the time I was six years old and standing in front of the bowl having a tinkle and the LID slammed shut directly on my todger.

I don't think I need to go into greater detail than that; my mind has blanked out the actual instant of contact, and the five minutes of pain directly afterward. I merely thank God that my sack escaped by bare millimeters.
(Tue 6th Sep 2005, 2:33, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

This isn't funny unless you know about chewing tobacco...
...and about working-class laborers' love for the stuff in America. But hell, long-haul lorry drivers in the UK probably chew the stuff too. This was the most surreal dirty joke we knew at our school, so I'll pass it around to you.

These two long-haulers are tearing along a rural stretch of motorway in an 18-wheeler lorry when one of them realizes that he shouldn't have skipped the last rest stop - he is in DIRE need of a place to stop and defecate. Unfortunately, they're running behind schedule, and it was for that very reason they didn't stop.

The afflicted passenger turns to the driver and explains the situation. The driver says: "Just roll down your window and stick your arse out."

"But there's houses out there!" the passenger complains

"You think they can see you from so far off the road? Look, we're the only ones out here, so just shit out the window and we'll keep going."

So the passenger does it, cramming his hairy arse out the window sideways in order to fit it... whilst an old couple, true to his worst fears, watches from their back porch.

"God!" says the woman. "Did you see the size of the tobacco chaw that lorry driver spat out?"

"That was nothing," says her husband. "Did you see the size of his fucking *lips?*"
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 6:37, More)

» Heckles

Crap local band
Weird lo-fi-emo-symphonica quartet called Osama Bin SARS (ffs). Didn't want to see them, but they were on the bill in front of the legendary Minibosses. There were two girls and two guys on stage, and they played this godawful stuff that sounded, I shit you not, like a cross between a music box blowing its spring and Robert Plant with his testicles caught in a bear trap; they would start off every song with a musical quote from some well-known classical piece, and then in would come the tuneless power chords and the incoherent screaming by the one girl who still had intact vocal cords.

And they would only stop for like ten seconds at a time, I guess to stop anyone from shouting out things like I heard halfway through, from the back of the room: "I'VE HEARD RABID DONKEYS WITH MORE MELODY THAN YOU PRICKS!"
(Wed 12th Apr 2006, 6:05, More)