» Mistaken Identity

Panic!
Wen't to a fancy dress party as Alex from Clockwork Orange

Some 17yr old prick thought I'd come as the lead singer from Panic at the disco
(Fri 1st Jun 2007, 11:50, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

How do you get 10 babies in a bucket?
Blender
How do you get them out?
Doritos
(Thu 2nd Feb 2006, 12:25, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

Insane Maniac's managing stories...
Anyone leaving or entering a large restaurant very early or late on their own will know it can be scary as fuck. There was a ghost that used to set off the handdryers when no-one was in the building.
Then he moved round to the bar & knocked over glasses.
Then he'd set off taps.

Complaints are fun, especially when you know a customer is in the wrong.
"This isn't a sandwich, it says 'sandwich' on the menu and this isn't in bread!"
"Yes it is ma'am, it's in a rustic bread"
"I work in the Sandwich Deli 2 towns over, and that is not a sandwich!"
"Yes it is ma'am and it clearly says 'rustic bread' on the menu."
"Well I expected it to be between sliced bread!"
"Why would you expect that, that's not what it says on the menu, it says 'rustic bread'"
"Don't you know who I am? I'm Mrs. Brown, owner and manager of the Sandwich Deli!"
"And I'm Mr. Maniac, manager of this restaurant"
"Well aren't you going to subsidise my meal?"
"Why?"
*silence*
She didn't get it taken off.

There was a bank holiday monday that had Harry Potter released at the cinema over the road at the same time. I told a customer there was a 40minute wait on the door. He waited 25minutes, then told me his family had to get to see the film in an hour. I told him that that might not be possible if he wanted to eat here. Then he punched me. Is Harry Potter really worth that?

Also, the obligitory sleeping with staff members in various parts of the restaurant. There's a booth that's quite concealed that's been used by most of the staff, & I still giggle each time I seat someone there.
(Fri 21st Jul 2006, 15:32, More)

» Injured Siblings

Is it 3rd or 1st degree? I forget
My brother used to love fighting me. I say 'love', I used to tease him, insult him, yell at him etc. until he did. I say 'used' to, but I still do =P

Still, picture the scene, I'm 14, he's 6, no matter what he says, I always interupt the first few words out of his mouth with "SHUT UP!!!" This eventually annoys him, he's chasing me around the room, as usual, trying to hit me but failing. Everytime I'd just push him back but he'd come back for more.

This time (without really thinking it through) I was stood in the middle of the room. When he ran at me I moved out of the way, he tripped on my foot and fell. Onto our wood burning stove and seeming as it was mid Januray, we'd had it on all day. Made more unfortunate for him, we were both in underwear as the heat generated from this thing is enough to peel the wallpaper. I heard his skin sizzle on the surface as his right knee and upper leg, the right side of his chest, his right hand and the right side of his face fell onto (and initially stuck to) the roaring fireplace. Never before has an image so vividly stuck in my head as him screaming his young lungs out as his quickly pulled his body off.

We had him in a cold shower AND bath for about half an hour just to cool him, then had to take him to A&E with every ice pack us and our neighbour owned.

Glad I didnt have much of a social life when I was 14, 'cos I didn't see much of one for the next 3 months.
(Sun 21st Aug 2005, 3:30, More)

» Weddings

Got completely wasted
Oh yes, its a 'I got so drunk I...' story. Well id actually stepped out of the car drunk from champagne & drinking contests. And BEFORE that, Id been smoking since about half 11 in the morning, so before I'd even stepped INTO the car I was pretty high.
However this did not stop me from consuming £30 of my wallet in alcohol, £50 of my mates wallets in alcohol, and whatever remaind of the 1/8th I had in my jacket pocket.

You know those photograph moments you have the morning after?
One was me with a cigar in my hand, blowing it into the face of someone bleeding over a sink. Truth = Id bottled him about 5 minutes earlier.
Another was me rather embaressingly pulling a fat lass in a skirt. Truth = It was rather more embaressingly a GUY in a KILT.
Another was me sitting on a curb staring at my feet & looking at a Citron Picasso. Truth = It'd run over my foot.
I was hungover for the following two days

EDIT: After reading Sunny Delight's post, I have to say that I'm NOT a priest! =P
(Mon 18th Jul 2005, 18:14, More)