» Meeting people from the internet

B3ta broke my jaw
"I'm just going out to a gay club with some guys I met on the internet" was never going to be an easy sell to Mrs Andrist, but being the trusting woman that she is, she made no objection.

8 hours after my first b3ta bash I arrive home....covered in blood, no lenses in my glasses, cuts on my various parts of my body and a huge gash on my chin (which turned out to be a fractured jaw). I'm now banned from meeting "fucking b3ta weirdos".
(Fri 21st Oct 2011, 15:55, More)

» Bizarre habits

Getting in from work
Long time fan of QOTW but never felt the need to post before, be tender.

I'm using this as a cheap way of seeing how bad my OCD really is. If I'm the weirdest/worst one on here then I'll do what my wife says and get some help, if not then I'll happily go on being quietly mental forever and ever.

So here goes, this is what I do when I get in from work:
I get through the door about half past 10 at night and sit down on the "work clothes seat" (I only sit there in my work clothes and will never sit on it in my normal ones) and talk to my wife. Then I'll get up and wash the bottle of wine that I've bought, I do this as I've had to put it on the passenger seat of the car and it will have got dirty as other people's bum germs will be have transferred from the car seat to the bottle; I'll wash my hands after washing the bottle just to make sure.

Once in the bedroom I'll take off my shoes and trousers then wash my hands. I put away my work clothes in the separate section of the wardrobe, making sure they don't touch my normal clothes and "infect" them. I put my underwear in the laundry basket making sure to only touch the bottom right hand corner of the lid then go into the bathroom to start more pointless shittery...

In the bathroom I wash my hands then put on shaving foam for a shave (I always shave at night, I'm very un-beardy and its a bastard shaving in the morning). Trouble is I can't fill the bowl with water because all the germs I've just washed off my hands will still be in the sink and I'll dip my razor in the water and spread the germs all over my face, so I just leave the tap running and do it that way. Finally I get in the shower, stopping halfway through to get out of the shower to wash my hands in the sink before resuming. Then I get dressed, pulling my slobby shorts on via the insides of the pockets (touching the top of my shorts is a no-no) and go and have a glass of wine. Later on I'll start my pre-bed rituals, but I think this is enough for now.

Not sure whether to apologise for the lack of funnies 'cos the ridiculousness of me has made me laugh.
(Tue 6th Jul 2010, 11:38, More)

» Iffy crushes

Kate Mccann
Who might be top of a few people's lists, but not the way I imagine it. Maybe you're familiar with the sex-version of bucking bronco, in which you say the name of an ex whilst shagging your current, then see how long you can hold on for.

Well, that's what I'd like to try with Mrs Mccann, except instead of an ex's name, I'd shout "come on, you did it didn't you?".

Also works for Amanda Knox.
(Tue 11th Oct 2011, 21:14, More)

» B3TA fixes the world

Ban the Happy Birthday song, just fucking ban it
There is no occasion where its been sung and the result has not been, at the very least awkward, if not excruciatingly embarrassing.

If you're in a restaurant and another table starts singing it, everyone else has to join in, but only in a half arsed way. Then everyone except the guy's friends go quiet cos no-one knows their name. After which there's the very British discomfort with having interacted with total strangers for no real reason.

No-one ever wants to sing it, that's the trouble, especially in an office environment. But there's always absolute cunt who "just loves this kind of thing" and encourages otherwise normal, sober people to sing in public.

And unless you're the Queen, it pretty rare that people around you will song a song dedicated entirely to you. We're not used to it and don't know how to react, so you just sit there feeling the most self conscious you'll feel all year for no reason other than its traditional to make the birthday person feel like a twat for 35 seconds.

Grr, just give me presents, buy me drinks and fuck off.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2011, 12:42, More)

» Little Victories

I work next to a dodgy council estate
however, being so obviously middle class I tend to stand out a bit (I don't wear a tracksuit to work). This usually means I get a few dodgy stares from the local poor people which is fine, but just occasionally someone goes a little bit further.

I'd popped out for some lunch to the nearby tesco express and was all ready to use the self service bit when I remembered I wanted some cashback and so left to join the back of the long queue for the till. Seeing what I'd done the woman behind the counter shouts "is it broken?". I replied that it wasn't broken I just wanted cashback, to which she responded with a smirk but said nothing further. Eventually getting to the front of the queue and asking for £20 cashback, the woman looked me gleefully in the eye and declared "we don't do cashback". She may as well have just said "now fuck off back to waitrose you posh twat".

Cut to a week later and I'm buying a 2 litre bottle of coke a minute before they close. In my hurry to pay I drop the bottle on the floor. It pierces and the bottle starts spinning like a catherine wheel, spraying brown stcky coke over the floor and shelves. I'm mortified, I look at the counter and its the same woman as last week, double fuck. But then I realise she hasn't seen the coke! She's just looking inanely into the middle distance. I walked calmly out of the shop, making sure I give the woman a big friendly smile on my way out. Glorious.
(Sat 12th Feb 2011, 10:47, More)