Dad-in-Law and The Curse of the Skull of DOOM
Back in the 50s when my dad-in-law was a kid, he went down to an old church with his brother to see what they could find.

They managed to break into the crypt, and went home that evening with some poor, dead person's skull in his bike's saddlebags, which he hid under his bed.

After a week of dreadful nightmares in which a headless corpse came to get him on a nightly basis, he finally caved in and told his mum what he had done. Quite naturally, she threw an enormous barney, and told him to get rid of the thing PDQ.

Too scared to cart it back to its rightful resting place in the crypt, he did what any terrified ten-year-old would do. He buried it in the garden.

Time passed, the nightmares ceased, and the family moved house to a larger place just up the road. The episode of The Cursed Skull of DOOM remained forgotten as one of those things That We No Longer Talk Of. Right up to the moment that the new tennants of the house decided to do a spot of gardening...
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:33, 3 replies)

Hot summer's day
I remember being at a student party in the 1990's. We were sitting out in the back garden on some matresses supping cheap lager when one of the chaps cracked open a bottle of sherry and poured us big cupfuls with ice. Lovely on a sunny afternoon. After several rounds we asked the chap why he had chosen such a bizarre, yet lovely drink

"Oh, I found it under a bench in the park on the way here." without a hint of concern.

We stopped drinking what was probably Twitchy the Tramps summer stash at that point.
(B3tatimolsky, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:32, Reply)

Archaeological finds
When I were a wee lad, we lived in Saaaahf-East London. My dad fancied himself as a bit of an archaeologist and was always digging in the back garden.


He found the following items:

- A tooth. It looks like it may have come from a shark.
- Various victorian-era clay smoking pipes
- Seashells. In a back garden in New Cross, miles away from even the Thames.
- A beautiful bit of pottery, painted blue with gold inscriptions. No idea what this was.

And the weirdest one:

- A large, solid, concrete slab under the top of the garden. Possibly an air-raid shelter.

He also found plenty of spliff-ends and beer cans, as the garden backed on to the grounds of Goldsmiths College, a favourite place for students to get pissed and stoned in the sun. Ace.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:25, Reply)

I've just found
That one of the students sitting an exam I just set up has apparently pissed his pants, judging by the moist stench on the mobile phone he thrust into my hand.
(GONEism, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:23, Reply)

Knickers
In my old house, I found a pair of knickers wrapped up with a note inside saying:

"Love you forever.

Gem xxxxxx"

Strangely, I know the couple who lived there, and they split up years ago.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:18, 4 replies)

sofa 2
Things I didn't find down the back of the sofa

fresh peanuts
£20
the lost hoard of Bluebeard
El Dorado
Lord Lucan
anything else pleasant
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:04, Reply)

sofa
I've just been on an expedition down the back of the sofa and found the following:

some stale peanuts
several stone of fluff
a biro
a ball of silver paper
7 pence
a sock
a crushed beer can from New Year
the DVD remote
the spare keys for the shed
something sticky. I think a boiled sweet.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 11:55, 7 replies)

A book
I was in America on one of my occasional sojourns sitting in the airport lounge minding my own business. Some guy opposite is reading a book but then gets up to board his plane and leaves it there. "A free book, yippee!", think I followed by "why is the cover wrapped in brown paper?". Anyway I've already picked it up and started flicking through it. It turns out it was a gay "erotic" novel. The protagonist must have been red raw judging by the amount of arse action going on every random page I browsed. And now the curse of the book had been passed on to me since I now have this gay porn and can hardly leave it because someone might think it was mine. So I had to traipse around for a good ten minutes until I found a bin and dump it. It's a good job I did as well because my hand luggage received its usual "random" search at the boarding gate. God I hate US airports.
(MagicMoose, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 11:36, 2 replies)

I found about
five mitsubishi pills in glastonbury many years ago. Just as I picked them up, on the big screens came a warning not to touch any of the same pills, as they were deadly. 'Fucking hell I've just found some of them' I announced. Two of my mates insisted on trying them inspite of the warning. I waited for half an hour and they didnt die so I had one too. Turned out they were chuffin great.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 11:29, 7 replies)

In Which Chickenlady Treats a Rescue Cat
As some of you know we've recently acquired a rescue cat now named Basil.

When we picked Basil up from the local animal sanctuary he was in a sorry looking state - extremely thin, covered in scabs and he had filthy feet, claws and ears.

Once home we gently bathed him - he stood in the empty bath and we threw warm water over ourselves as he wailed.

He has continued to put on weight and the scabs are slowly disappearing.

Last week I had to take him to the vet for his inoculations and while I was there I mentioned his dirty ears. The vet put in some antiseptic drops and then gently cleaned out the worst of the black gunge with cotton wool buds. She then gave me a small bottle of ear drops and told me to administer them twice a day.

And so began the regime…

Each morning for the last few days I'd been holding Basil firmly while someone else gently squeezed a few clear drops from the little white bottle into his ears.

He hated it - struggled when I held him to give them to him, shook his head once they were in - splattering us in the process and with each passing day his ears didn't seem to look any better, if anything they appeared to be a little red.


Two days ago I went to get the bottle from the shelf in the kitchen. I opened the small box, removed the yellow bottle and returned to the sofa where Basil was being held….

I removed the yellow bottle.

Until two days ago we had been using a white bottle.






I have found that cats' ears get cleaner if you use cat ear cleaning medicine rather than cat travel sickness medicine.


( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 11:28, 10 replies)

ooh!
i *just* found a very tightly folded £10 in the pocket of these trousers which i havent worn for months.
HUZZAH!

*is now playing sad-queen, happy-queen*
(Ginger_Prawn, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 11:24, 1 reply)

House Warming
It was moving day for a friend of mine who was moving into a flat by herself for the first time.

As the first of our little group of mates to do so, everyone else got whipped into a moving-frenzy and offered to help carry stuff in and out of the van, down the stairs and into what was to become known as the underground/drinking/party flat of doom.

I thankfully had been at work (being the first and still one of the only of our little group of mates to get a job) during the whole move but valiantly offered to go round and get drunk for the housewarming that evening.

So I arrived, knapsack heavy with cheap beer and vodka, greeted everyone and sat (on the floor) to join in the festivites.

After some 2 or 3 hours, and feeling more than a little inebriated, there was one of those random silences where for a split second, all noise ceases to be with the synchronicity and comic timing of a slightly loud utterance of the word "Cock" at your Granny's funeral.

From somewhere outside the room, there was the tinyest 'Meow!' I've ever heard. It persisted and got stronger & louder but didn't seem to move. My friends all chimed in ' Can you hear a cat?' - I wasn't going mad!

Obviously, we had to investigate and (fuck knows how we came to this conclusion) ended up removing the bath panel. Underneath the bath was a teeny tiny black kitten that had somehow become trapped. There was no other way in and no other way out.

To this day, none of us have worked out how it got there but we did track down the owners as being a couple a few doors away. At 'that' point in the evening where we'd started running low on booze, they handsomely rewarded us for our find with several bottles of vino.

Result.


There are pictures and everything

*digs*
(Colonel Santiago Introduced surprised kitty to the world., Wed 12 Nov 2008, 11:21, 2 replies)

My friend
found a gold coin in a lump of earth, lucky sod....
(djgalaxe, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 11:10, 4 replies)

bath 4
Further to my recent discoveries about my whirlpool, I have found something else.

If I close all the side-jets except one in the middle of one side of the bath, turn the motor on full, lay on my side, and present my willy to the stream of water, it makes it flap about in an exhilarating way which also amused Mrs Maudlin no end.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 11:08, 13 replies)

This happened two months back
I did post it on the main forum, but it fits this fine :)

I was invited to a friend-of-the-missus's son's 1st birthday party. Well I say I was invited, I had a gun held at me head and dragged there (fucking kids party bollocks, I'd rather be pissed in a gutter).

So I turn up there and aptly realize I know no-one there, so I start chatting to the proud dad. Turns out he's a bit of a gaming freak and has a PSP console, as do I. I let him know that I know how to "upgrade" them and as to break the ice I'd do it as a friendly gesture. He's happy at this and gives me his PSP take with me. The party continues and all is well.

The next morning I'm back home and looking at the PSP. He's got a 1 gig card in there and according to the PSP software there's only 460meg available on it? That's a bit odd thinks I, lets plug the old USB cable in. I do this and browse the stick to find a 500meg video file there, simply named "-D-". It's not in the video folder, just on the root directory of the stick, which is a bit odd in itself. I think "Hey, it's a free film" and copy it to my desktop.

After a bit of tinkering I "upgrade" the PSP and all is well. I then remember about this video file I'd dragged from the memory stick and think "Oh, is this Vampire Hunter D? That wasn't a bad film that...." and double click on it, just as the missus is walking past the computer. Instead of being greeted with free Manga though I was greeted with an acute and upside-down camera angle of someone's house. The missus is looking at it odd too, then says "Hey, that's my friends house, from the party yesterday. What's that doing on your computer?"
"I don't know, was on his memory card."
After a few seconds the husband's face comes into view and he's walked into the bathroom now and is opening a cupboard. After he's done this he's placing the camera under a few blankets and towels, twisting it and trying to get a fair angle on the shower.
"Uh oh" says me and the missus, immediately fearing the worst. They've got a few kids in the house and I was hoping to god it wasn't going to be one of them.
The husband spends about 5 minutes adjusting this, then leaves the bathroom. After a minute of nothing, in walks a blonde woman. Who's not his wife. I sigh a deep breathe of relief at this, then start smirking. The missus points out the obvious. "That's not my friend" says her.
"I know" giggles me, "the dirty bastard."

The problem we had then was that the missus had known this friend of hers for years (literally 15-20 years, they go way back). She felt that she to let her know so she rang her up and got her to call over to my house, then showed her the footage. It turns out that the blonde was her next door neighbour who had some water supply problems and needed to use a shower on that day. He was the opportunist and took full advantage of it with some free voyeurism.

Initially she kicked him out and that was it, but has since taken him back in. On a side note, it turned out that the neighbour SPOTTED THE CAMERA TOO and didn't bother stopping herself from being filmed, the dirty whore. I myself kept the vid for a few weeks and pimped it to a few mates for a laugh (as you do). Oh well.

Oh yeah, apols for length, was about 26 minutes :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 10:59, 9 replies)

Reading Festival, early nineties
On my way to my car to get my rucksack, I happened across an unopened bottle of Pernod and 20 Marlboro.

Me and my friend Tom drank the Pernod, then Tom decided it would be a good idea to construct a trebuchet out of random pieces of wood and use it to launch an attack on surrounding campers. He launched a flaming pile of kindling high into the air...

... which made it as far as my tent, took out the ridge pole and set the damn thing on fire.

With me in it.

I ran from the tent like a woman running from a tent that was, quite literally, on fire. Then I did a sick.

This is why I no longer a) speak to Tom, b) drink Pernod or c) go to festivals.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 10:39, 3 replies)

The Penis Book
When my friends and I moved into our current abode, the place was in a bit of a state. The agents hadn't got round to sending the cleaners in since the previous tenants had moved out - of course, having turned up at the door with all our stuff, we didn't really have anywhere else to leave it, so we moved it all in anyway, on the promise that the cleaners would be sent round a couple of weeks later.

So, after humping all my crap into my room, I began to investigate all the potential places I could put it. Here I find a chest of drawers, there a wardrobe...ooh, a bookcase. Very nice.

Of course, the previous tenants have left a few bits and bobs lying around; mostly leaflets or bits of disintegrated magazine. I went to put some stuff on top of the wardrobe and found out what else they'd left:

A mint condition copy of The Penis Book.

Apparently this doesn't count as pornography (though it would certainly be NSFW), just a literary celebration of the male genital organ, with lots of helpful pictures.

I refuse to 'read' it. A quick glimpse at a page at random told me all I needed to know.

Of course, we all laughed and decided that we should use it as a house punishment - anybody who does anything sufficiently stupid should have to read a chapter of this book.

What disturbed me more was the reaction of guests to it. We left it on a shelf in the living room with several other books, and everybody who came to visit seemed fascinated by this book and insisted on having a flick through - men and women alike.

Of course, when family members came to visit, we decided it better to hide the sausagebook. So, in a twist ironic to this qotw, it's been lost again, as I can't remember where I hid it. Though I think it may be in a cupboard behind my housemate's rice and pasta. He's in for a surprise at some point...

Apologies for length; I believe some of the specimens in there are gargantuan.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 10:21, 6 replies)

Fix Computers, It's Fun!
I fixed a laptop for a friend recently, she'd just got it off her Dad, and it was riddled with spyware, malware, you name it.

Then we noticed that there was a download folder, so we thought we'd see if there was anything interesting. Nothing in there, so we were a little disappointed.

It was when we opened Limewire to get rid of all the temp files that we noticed they were downloading to somewhere else. So, we go to this 'hidden' folder, and find about 20 she-male videos! Considering the only people who know how to use Limewire are my friend (who lives in Nottingham) or her Dad (who lives in Ormskirk).

What made it funnier, is that while my mate and I were crippling ourselves from laughing so hard, the girl arrives back, and asks what we were watching? So, we showed her, and she reacted better than expected.

It only took us an hour to get her off the roof.

Length? 3:20
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 9:17, Reply)

Rectal treasures
As a nurse, I'm always up for the "Foreign Rectal Body Challenge" which is "Who can fish Object X out of this guy's ass first?" I have long slender fingers so I usually got first crack (haha).

The best thing I ever found in someone's ass was a vibrator, still running. Second place goes to the Troll doll*-kiwi fruit combo some drunken bastard was ninjasodomized with by his equally drunken girlfriend.



*That had to hurt!
collectively-yours.com/images/products/detail/16.1.jpg + www.freshorg.com.au/images/kiwi.JPG
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 8:37, 9 replies)

Just got this today

(denki, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 8:04, Reply)

Yesterday on my lunch break
I decided to get myself something from the local purveyor of cheap food. Whilst in the queue for the self checkouts, I gazed idly around the place and as I was invited to take a freshly used till I noticed that the previous occupant had left a crisp £5 note in the change tray. Based on the many heartwarming tales of nookie in this very QOTW after people had returned lost items, I abandoned my till and raced after her to return it, to which I received a cheerful thanks but no nookie.

As I attempted to return to my recently vacated till I noticed that not only had someone jumped in behind me, but nobody was willing to let me back in the line, and I had to queue up for another five minutes.

So, I've found that the people in Tesco's in Canterbury are right cranberries.

*May be romantic glorification
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 7:33, 2 replies)

Nude Secrets
Not me but my old landlord Alan.

Alan was a bit of a bargin hunter and loved attending auctions for bits and pieces.One day he went to an auction of unclaimed luggage from Heathrow airport.I think the rule is that after about 3 months they are sent too auction.

Anyway he spies a bag with a camcorder and accessories , bids and gets it. A couple of days later he is off on a family holiday so he pulls out the old tape , puts it too one side and goes away with a new tape in the camera.

One nice holiday and about six months later Alan decides to have a bit of a tidy up around home. He came across the old tape out of his camera and out of curosity decides too see whats on it . Well who wouldnt ?

It shows some ones holiday in a very nice villa. As he watched the tape Alan thought a couple of the people looked familiar. After a few more minuites it clicked
"Shit thats Bryan Ferry!" Yes me roxy music himself . Followed by "Thats Roger Taylor !" Queens drummer boy. I thing Bob Geldof may have been there as well.

It was just a celebrities family holiday with a few mates round nothing particulay exciting appart from one scene where Roger taylor gets out of the shower and shouts at his kids to get out of the bathroom and stop messing around with the camera.

Anyway Alan calls the local rag and they run a small story on his discovery. In the article he said jokingly that he was quite happy to give the tape back to Roger but the camera was his now. A couple of days later the nationals picked up on the story. The Daily sport ran with the headline TODGER TAYLOR . Then things got interesting

About a month earlier Bryan Ferry had split from his wife for a younger blonde model. The Tabloids realised this tape was at least nine months old and may show Mr ferry with a woman who is not Mrs Ferry long before he was meant to have met his new squeeze. Alans phone went ballistic with questions and bids. At one point he was offered 5000 pounds for the tape by one of the papers.

Unfortantly Mr Taylors lawyers got on the case . End result a man on a motorbike comes round to pick up the tape . No payday for Alan and his 15 minuites of fame are over.
Still easy come easy go eh?
(welgar, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 7:09, Reply)

I found a human skull
when I was little.

Not in the ground, where one might find it reasonable, at least, for such a thing to occasionally turn up.

Not on a beach, where I suppose they might get washed up from time to time.

Not anywhere near a graveyard.

Or a museum, laboratory, hospital, university - places where human anatomy is legitimitely studied and parts of dead people are allowed to be.

No...

I found it in my dad's cupboard in a little room at the back of our garage which me and my brothers had been forbidden to enter. That little room held wonders and terrors for us when we crept guiltily in to explore its secrets.

We found dusty old slides which when held up to the murky window revealed ectoplasm and magical substances - mysterious colourful swirls and globules, great tomes of strange texts in tongues of the Devil with Satanic (probably) diagrams, vials of crystals which stained us purple, glass bottles containing alluring liquids - one which ate through smokily through the floor when we poured it out for closer inspection...

We had worked our way around the room, our eyes growing wider with each discovery. We were filled with rapture, awe and gleeful naughtiness... and then we opened the cupboard.

A hollow-eyed toothless grin gazed out at us.

It was if the very face of the Watcher Of Small Children Who Disobey Their Parents had manifested right in front of us. We screamed and ran as fast as our little legs would carry us. We didn't dare tell anyone. We lived in fear of that skull for a long time.

Years later I did tell our mum. When she stopped laughing she told me the room had contained my dad's old science stuff from when he was at university. The skull was a medical prop, and had belonged to nobody he knew.

It accounts for a lot though. I believe that experience probably shaped me more than any other of my childhood...

Parents - if you feel you need eyes in the back of your head to stop your children getting up to mischief, if you want them to do as they're told, scare the shit out of them and make them believe that they are being Watched At All Times by a terrifying omnipresent all-seeing personification of evil scariness.

Of course you'll have to live with their neuroses for the rest of your life...
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 0:26, 3 replies)

Hmmmm
I've found that it is never best to post on the main board by mistake, as you will get ripped to shreads for sharing a view! Dammit!!

(This may be entirely my fault for being drunk..)
( P, Benny P, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 0:14, 3 replies)

I found a jaw harp in my postbox
I ordered it on Ebay, it was delivered to my hovel today and since I opened the package I haven't been able to put it down.

Simply put, a jaw harp is the retarded inbred half-cousin of the harmonica. It's a metal bar, curved into a bell shape with a flexible tongue in the middle. You put it against your teeth, flick the twanger and move your tongue and throat to make a deep droning sound that has been likened to the noise a frying pan makes when it hits a human head. Using your voice creatively, you can play all kinds of songs - like that old favourite, "twangy twang twang BUZZ twang", or even "twang twang twangtwang click OUCHMYFUCKINTEETH". Today, I learned how to play "twang," the song that won the Russian Hillbilly Classic three years ago.

Best buy I ever made, actually. It sounds better than Jose Gonzalez.

EDIT: YouTube video is now up here

Length? 53mm and twangily flexible.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 23:55, 10 replies)

Returned purse = crap reward
I have always been rather adept at finding money but slightly let down by my own guilt. I often find the odd ten pound note or fiver and I don’t mind keeping them if only because they are impossible to return to their rightful owner but when I find a wallet or purse (which I have more times than you’d think) I have to hand them in.

Anyways I did happen upon a purse with several hundred pounds in once and luckily (or unluckily) the police were able to contact the owner after I handed it in, a week went by and I’d forgotten all about it when one day I returned home to find the most enormous bouquet of flowers. It seemed the owner was so grateful they bought them for me, the only problem being I’m male and was in my teens at the time so had little use for them.

I’m still glad I was able to return the purse to the owner who probable thought that they would never see the money again … and the flowers really brightened up the place too!!
(Sub-Lingual Hates You, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 22:55, 4 replies)

Modern Age Relic
Years back I had the dubious honour of living in Scaberdeen.

I and 3 student flatmates had just moved into a flat that being so unclean we (stupidly) volunteered to clean in exchange for getting 2 weeks rent free...but that is another story.

Now that place was the top floor of a Victorian mansion converted into flats.
In a tiny cupboard installed above the bathroom we found many interesting things.
A pair or soiled lady's knickers with "gentleman's stains" added...
An old cavalry sabre blade (no hilt just the blade)
A freakish looking "Gimli from the Lord of the Rings" style axe (that we later found was nicked from the walls of a local pub)
Hand written rules for IRA terrorist actions in the WWII game of Squad Leader (Love the game but the terrorist shit seemed to be based on real life)*


Now here is where I digress:
On oil and Gas production platforms in the North Sea there are often libraries of shitty books - all Andy McNab and dreadful scifi - not even the good ones - and most of these books have stamp in them just like a library back onshore "Property of X Library or X Platform"

But the one item that I still have (the others being divvied amongst my foul friends (not the scanties BTW)**)
is a crap SciFi novel that I have only read once with "Piper A" stamped on the pages...

It *is* a relic. I'd love to know when it left the installation, cos all that marks Piper A now is a buoy above the wreckage.


*The blokes who lived there before us were all from Ireland (dunno which part)
** The scanties were burnt and thrown from a window one summer night.

Cheers for reading there are many dubious tales of that flat - better left for another time.
(Albert_Memorial, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 21:22, 7 replies)

Another pr0n one
At work, tidying up our work area and I come across three unlabelled VHS cassettes. I thought it was a bit strange as, in this day and age, they're rarely seen. So I did what anybody else would do - drop everything I was doing and pop them into the rack-mount vcr we had (surplus, we never actually used it) and turned the tv on.

The first two were either blank or contained nothing of interest. The third however, well I was a little surprised, but not totally. It started out innocently enough as some surveilance footage of the computer lounge. Don't ask me why but something made me fast forward. Call it male-intuition, I don't know. Anyway, eventually two people appear and begin going at it for about 20 minutes or so.

Why not so surpised? Well, only my boss would go to the lengths of transferring the digital footage to a VCR - especially when the equipment isn't readily available. I still need to mention it to him.
( thyrf as in turf, but not, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 21:11, 1 reply)

A lump on one of my nads.
That wasn't a fun experience.

Finding out that it was harmless was so much better
(Big D, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 20:19, 6 replies)

Aquatic Bunghole and a BMX
Walking on the beach, I found a dolphin's arse (or possibly a porpoise). I say 'arse' - it was kind of the section from the back of it's fin to the start of where it's tail should be. Next to the arse was a bent BMX bike.

I expect they were just randomly washed up together, but I like to think they were the tragic result of a dolphin's over-ambitious BMX stunt.
(superscape blames it on the bogie, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 20:03, 5 replies)