Getting to know each other
I was checking the messages on my girlfriend's phone and according to her friends she has Stockholm Syndrome, but it's only the fat lip that makes it sound like she has an accent.
(xixax, Sat 18 Apr 2015, 14:57, Reply)

I did a poo in Paul's House

( $$ ✅, Sat 18 Apr 2015, 14:14, 3 replies)

this is a great link
click here
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Sat 18 Apr 2015, 8:02, 2 replies)

A woman called "Shoo" from another department occasionally emails me.
Yes, she has a silly name, as people in China often do.
I have told my team to write rhyming emails whenever they communicate with her - i.e "Hi Shoo. Yes, will do. I'll leave the details up to you." The plan is to keep it subtle and see how long it is before she catches on. It's been one month so far and she still doesn't seem to have noticed.
( Zuowan, Sat 18 Apr 2015, 6:21, 1 reply)

This?
(McChinaman banned, Sat 18 Apr 2015, 0:02, 7 replies)

The Chicken Dance
[Time to haul this one out again]

I was once handed the opportunity to really blow someone's mind -- they were literally running in circles and flapping like a headless chicken...

A mate of mine had met a Californian girl, Catherine, while he was visiting relatives in Ireland. She was travelling around Europe, and arranged to come and stay with him when she came to the UK a few weeks later. She duly turned up, and was introduced to his disreputable friends (such as me) and depraved lifestyle. I got on well with her, and I was sad when it was time for her to go back to the US.

Then, on the day she was leaving, I got a call out of the blue with the offer of a month's work in Silicon Valley, if I could get there by the end of the week. This was entirely unexpected - I'd never been to the US before, and had no inkling that the job would come up. And by an even more bizarre coincidence, I'd be working the in same area that Catherine came from. And so an evil plan was hatched.

The first weekend after I arrived, I found my way to her address. She wasn't in, but once her flatmate had decided that this strange Englishman probably wasn't a mad axe murderer, she told me where Catherine was - a bar nearby.

As I walked in, she had her back to me. So I walked around into her field of view, and simply said "Hello, Catherine"

From her point of view, here she was back in her familiar environment, amongst her friends, and her travels were probably already seeming like a dream, the way travelling does. Then suddenly she's confronted with someone who should be on the other side of the world, and who she probably never expected to ever see again.

She did a marvellous comedy double-take, screamed, then started running around in circles, flapping like a chicken and gibbering incoherantly.

Comedy gold!
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 17 Apr 2015, 17:23, 4 replies)

Snooker
When I was a student a couple of (20) years ago, my housemates and I were smoking 'erb and watching snooker. One of them was really into snooker, and would make comments about it every few seconds.
This time we quietly taped it. When he went off to the toilet we would rewind it 20 minutes or so, and start playing it again. He only noticed after about 3 hours when he realised he had said "ooh blinder!" three times when Hendry performed exactly the same trick shot.
Then we all ate some galaxy and fell asleep and that's the end.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 17 Apr 2015, 15:35, 8 replies)

Popetastic
A mate (same one as the graphic design gag) used to go past a 'catholic repository' (a shop that sells tacky religious stuff) on his way to work.

Each morning he would drop in and buy a postcard of the pope. Eventually shop owner started to interrogate him as to why. Friend would smile a beatific smile, and say he liked them.

Eventually he was banned from the shop.
(jerrykew He who codes last, codes least, Fri 17 Apr 2015, 14:20, 8 replies)

I knew a guy from Canada when I lived in China
He would sometimes insist on speaking French when a Chinese person spoke English to him. He's not even from Quebec, but just wanted to prove that not all whities speak the English.
(McChinaman banned, Fri 17 Apr 2015, 12:36, Reply)

Working in the centre of Warsaw, I meet many lost and confused tourists
I put on the most over-the-top Eastern European accent I can manage, and offer to help. Over the course of 5 minutes, while getting their map turned the right way and pointing out where the train station is, I'll let my accent settle down into my native south-east England one. They invariably compliment me on how well I speak English, and I instantly switch back to the Eastern European accent to thank them and hope have nice day.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 17 Apr 2015, 12:03, 6 replies)

Anal graphic designer
No, I don't know if he was good at drawing arseholes.
Another mate of mine worked for a graphic design company, in the office a designer who had a huge array of pens, all neatly arrayed in his drawer, and very very protective of them.
For weeks they gradually tightened a nut on the drawer runners, till it required quite a pull to open the drawer, the knack of which the victim got.
The payoff, one night they removed the drawer stops, graphite lubricated the runners. Following morning pens hurled through the office along with a disintegrating drawer.
(jerrykew He who codes last, codes least, Fri 17 Apr 2015, 12:02, 3 replies)

Similarities to the pan gag
A friend of mine worked for Rolls Royce many years ago in a drawing office. The lifers there were know to all as 'lifers'. After Christmas one of them came in in a Homburg, joy ensued as the gang decided what to do with it. They pulled down the hatband, and added masking tape, twice a week for weeks. Eventually the lifer mentioned that his head seemed to be expanding. Two more weeks of addition, followed by steady removal at the same pace as the original addition.

They never told him.

To this day the guy believes that his head expanded and contracted, quite spontaneously over several months.
(jerrykew He who codes last, codes least, Fri 17 Apr 2015, 11:57, Reply)

I always tell Labour party people who knock on my door to fuck off aggressively.
I have voted Labour all my life, and will again in May
( Harpago ¯\(°_o)/¯, Fri 17 Apr 2015, 11:51, 3 replies)

Simple pleasures
I pack clear plastic disposable cups when I am riding the subway or the bus. I then crank my neck while I'm shattering the cup I snuck into my armpit. I can do this all day.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Fri 17 Apr 2015, 3:24, 5 replies)

Stakeholders
Scheduling a meeting about " The Stakeholders "
(fire_exit, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 21:56, 3 replies)

I made b3ta believe that I am a kiddy fiddler
When in reality I am far more dangerous as a UKIP voter
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 21:28, 2 replies)

Short but fun
I've recently introduced my colleagues to both The Game and Roko's Basilisk. Should be interesting.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Thu 16 Apr 2015, 20:51, 10 replies)

During my first lab job
One of my collegues was making a list for the weekly ordering when I told him we were out of anhydrous dihydrogen monoxide. An hour later he came to double check with me as he had been trying to find it in the chemicals catalogue without any joy. So I picked up some handy post it notes and slowly repeated back to him "anhydrous dihydrogen monoxide" while writing H2O on the post it and holding it up infront of him. When the penny dropped he called me a bastard and walked away.
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 20:02, 4 replies)

Make your housemate go to the toilet in their trousers by following these simple steps:
1. offer to make them a cup of tea
2. bring an empty cup to them and drop it into their lap, oops!
3. Watch as they leap out of their seat in expectation of a scalding groin shower
Not subtle but works every time
( pemulis, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 18:40, 6 replies)

I would write something about PUAs here
but can't possibly better this
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 18:26, 4 replies)

Common purslane
I was pleased to learn an edible plant (Common Purslane, or Portulaca oleraceae) grows in sidewalk cracks around here. So, to help bring a tedious conversation or a boring monologue to an end, I'll sometimes absentmindedly reach down, grab a sprig, and start snacking.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 16:25, 1 reply)

I was working with a friend I've know since university
I was the developer, he was the salesman, and we had a central London office more or less to ourselves, as the head office in San Francisco stayed out of our way so long as we kept bringing in business.

I used to make drinks for both of us - tea for me and coffee for him, from one of those really big tins of instant Nescafe - and so I naturally began wondering what would happen if I started gradually upping his dose of caffeine. To start with he had two and a half spoonfuls per cup, so the first week of this experiment I upped that to three, then three and a half the next week, then four... By the time I 'fessed up to what I'd been doing he was a manic, jittery mess who was drinking coffee with twelve and a half spoonfuls in each cup.

He's never let me make a drink for him since.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 16:15, 8 replies)

pubes
Pubes in the margarine at Uni, then deftly cover them over with a thick layer of marge. Then replace in the fridge.

(not me, I hasten to add, but a housemate's subtle way of telling the rest of us that he hated us)
( rofl harris, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 16:08, 1 reply)

pearoast
My dad was a bit of a cunt. I remember one year as a kid he asked my mother what she wanted for her birthday. She jokingly said he might as well get her a new pan so she can cook his pasta in it. He took her to her word and on the morning of her birthday he presented a pan shaped present wrapped in happy birthday paper and all hell broke loose. He got her something else pretty sharpish but it was never forgotten

Years later it turned out he hadn't just bought her a new pan after all, he had bought her a set of pans. Six in total, each slightly smaller than the next - they stacked into each other.

Eventually she calmed down and the time came for us to chuck the old pan (loose handle) and use "The new pan" instead. Dad took great pride in saying it was a useful present after all and despatched the old one with the wonky handle to the bin. I think she might have taken a swing at him with it at some time during the proceedings.

Of course after two weeks "the new pan" was substituted (in the dead of night) for the next size down by my dad who had hidden the set in the loft. Two more weeks later and the next smallest pan was taken down from the loft and replaced the previous. 3 months later she was down to the milk pan, insisting all along that it must be the heat shrinking the metal.

Of course this became a topic of intense discussion with everyone and anyone she knew even for years after. Quite frankly she's never been the same since.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 15:51, Reply)

Quiet......
...around here innit?
(Mister_E_Meat was caught sniffing bike saddles at, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 15:29, Reply)

turd

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 15:16, Reply)

I briefly worked on an oilrig
Everyone (well, except the big bosses) has to share a cabin. The guy I was thrown in with with a short guy with a raging little man syndrome. He could start an argument with a brick wall. I am a fairly neat and tidy person, but if anything was left out for longer than ten minutes, he'd gurn about it. He would rage at me like some ankle-biting yapping little chihuahua at the smallest of infractions. If I farted at night he'd be certain to whinge about it next morning. No matter that he sat up half the night watching shitty 80s rock videos on the cabin TV.

Each cabin has its own shower/toilet. It always gave me great pleasure to raise the showerhead several inches higher than he'd left it. I even started leaving it higher than I needed, just to piss him off. He never mentioned it, but it doubtless reminded him what a shortarse he is.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 15:10, 1 reply)

First
...or am I?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 16 Apr 2015, 15:01, 1 reply)