Iceland
Some of you may remember that my b3ta virginity was popped with this post.

My get-rich-quick scheme wasn't actually mine but I took it to the next level.

A friend of mine, Alex, worked there, and he had developed a nice way to make a few quid. Every so often, when the right situation arose, he'd pounce. The situation was thus: If there's a queue of people at your till with one person towards the back holding just one item (i.e. a £1 bottle of milk) you say:

"Do you want to just give me the money for that and I'll scan it through later? Saves you waiting."

Smiling, they'd do just that, happy that the nice man let them go early. Did we scan it through later? Did we fuck.

That was a nice earner for most of the team at this particular store but then I hit upon an ingenius plan.

Iceland's pricing is usually round numbers rather than £x.99 etc which was good for this ruse. Now if I saw someone with even two or three items I could quickly add the totals in my head, pretend to scan through the items and then pocket the dosh.

When people took advantage of the 3 for £10 wine deals it was heaven.

But, er... got caught, got arrested, game over. Had to pay back all we'd nicked (£600 or so was the figure they arrived at but it was certainly more).

Don't do it.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 12:47, Reply)

a cheap thrill
Back in the days when i worked for the electricity board i got a few routine jobs at the local halls of residence for the hospital. Thats right the student nurses home brilliant. The thing was i was friends with a few of them anyway so i was in there all the time .

What to do ????

Spread the love around i thought . I "sold" my work orders to the others in the depot for $5 a job.

Desperate pervs he he he .

dont have a pound sign on my keyboard .... bugger
(welgar, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 10:29, 1 reply)

I've got a good one
Set up a website - nothing fancy a few funny images, some simple flash games, funny links etc... then ask all your mates to stick their funny images, games, links up. Ask your mates to invite their mates then collect all the good images and links say, once a week, e-mail it to everyone on the website and flog all the ad-space for mucho money-o.

Why hasn't someone thought of this before?
( rjmrjm, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 10:17, 1 reply)

This Time Next Year I'll Be A Millionaire
.
Bloke I knew came up with a brilliant invention that every woman would want and buy.

He invented a bra that stopped women's nipples sticking out in the cold and, as a bonus, it would also stop tits bouncing when running.

I killed him and ate the plans.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 7:19, 4 replies)

I
used to make loads of money by pretending to be an expert in alternative medicine. It started off in '96 when my position in my old organisation was abolished and I had to leave. I'd been involved in some pretty dodgy stuff there anyway and I think that had something to do with it, I'd made a killing but I think people had got wind that something wasn't quite right (not going to tell you what I did here I'm afraid, some of it still hasn't come to light ;) )

Losing the job was a big kick to my confidence and I ended up letting my beard and hair grow and just getting in a proper state. I couldn't carry on living in my huge old house and had to move into the suburbs. On top of all this I heard that the police were looking for me in relation to stuff that I'd done in my last work so I had to keep my head low and not have any contact with my mates or family.

I did a degree in psychology back in the day but a fat lot of good that did me now I was out of work, I could count the number of jobs in the job office needing a psychology degree on the fingers of a clumsy cook with leprosy. It ended up coming in useful though when I heard of people getting rich selling homeopathic remedies and other bollocks on some message board I frequented. I made up my own "product" and started to hawk it around markets and stuff using the letters after my name for a bit of legitimacy and I was raking money in.

I started taking it a bit more seriously when I realised there was actually quite a lot of money in it and got in with the whole community who believed it all. Started writing articles for one of the magazines about "human quantum energy" and "life force" and other such definitely true things. It was a good laugh really, decent money and I liked having all these people look up to me as some kind of leader. I also started up a website selling all my remedies so I didn't have to spend the time traipsing round the markets any more.

Anyway it all came to a head when someone who I'd known at my old work recognised me, and shopped me in to the police. They come bursting in in the middle of the night and I'm left in a cell, awaiting trial.
Still, it could be worse, I could be a Bosnian Croat.

Signed
Radovan Karadžić
(Hippo_of_Doom, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 4:15, Reply)

Sweeeeeeties
I used to go to Cash-N-Carry the local wholesalers open exclusively to shop owners wid my mam's friend card number that i had lifted out of her purse, purchase the highest profit margin sweeties possible, say i was on an errand for my mam who had forgotten her card, repeat said card number to till operator and then sell ridiculously large amounts of sweets at reasonable prices for a few school years. got me £60 clear profit a week on average but then again i just increased my speanding aswell so saved nothing after the drink and weed.
wot a fuckin idiot i wos
(WilsonAlmighty, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 3:08, 6 replies)

Well... Firstly send death threats out too all shareholders of microsoft;
Then shoot Bill Gates in the face. Shares plummet. You buy the company for a quid and then continue business as normal. That should make you a few quid*

*Get you sent down for life.
(Sir Drinkcelot Sticking It To The Man Since 1988, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 2:54, Reply)

Here's a brilliant one...
Work for Gritish Bas, get to the top and raise all your rates by 35% whilst spending your near Billion profit on holidays and cars.

Mind you the entire country will hate you and lust for your blood but who cares you can head of in your gold plated private jet to your own private island where small people will feed you grapes and wave big leaves at you.

Told you it was brilliant.
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 2:51, 2 replies)

if you have 6 months...
About xmas time my housemate and i went for a drive to take some wrapping paper to her boss.
Drive onto a roundabout - stop to wait while some arse in a fiat zooms at super speed around the roundabout.
BANG
get hit in the rear by a landrover!
landrover not hurt in the slightest, Ford KA lost its bum....
6 months later and physio for whiplash, a £2500 cheque arrives on my doorstep!!!
Not exactly rich, but i'm better off and going on holiday to escape work and the evil ex!!!
woop!
(VodkaMargarine When there is no Brandy Butter..., Sat 2 Aug 2008, 1:21, Reply)

student loan
hah,you fucking taxpayers!
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Sat 2 Aug 2008, 0:55, 7 replies)

few waves, bit of a reflection, maybe some lillies,
and bam - quick and easy Monet.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 21:59, 5 replies)

Get rich quick by fleecing trendy people!
At the oh-so-trendy, painfully hip and achingly bleeding-heart co-op in the town where a friend of mine's family lives, one dozen organic, local free range eggs cost a gasp-inducing USD$14.

Fourteen dollars a dozen! For eggs! And people buy the fuckers!

My friend's mother has decided to start selling the equally organic, free range eggs from her own chickens for a mere eight dollars a dozen. Compared to the price of the competition, hers should fly off the shelves and into the kitchens of people with more money than they have sense, while their money will end up in her pocket where it will be put to sensible use.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 20:10, 5 replies)

Spending all afternoon on b3ta
whilst getting paid £6.75 an hour isn't such a bad way of earning money, I feel.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 19:43, 2 replies)

Not using fucking ebay...
I've spent the last three fucking hours trying to list my old processor on Ebay, and due to the sheer incredible incompetence of this conglomeracy of imbeciles I haven't been able to.

Finished my listing, and tried to add my new paypal account for payment - the old one was registered to an email address I no longer own. No, won't have it. So I attempt to login to said paypal account: "This account has been blocked: please go and fist yourself violently whilst holding a tennis ball". No idea why - it was a verified account, and never used for anything not above board. So I go into my new account, and try to link it to ebay. No chance: it makes the link, but doesn't show up in ebay. I then try to add the paypal account within ebay. No luck - it creates the partnership, then seems to forget it's done it, and thinks that my old paypal account is still associated with ebay: which is fucking isn't. At this point, I send an email to the address provided by paypal, which is the only point of contact for blocked accounts. I get one back shortly later: "This address is no longer in use, and we really don't give a shit. Take your already torn and bleeding arsehole, and go and sit on a church spire". Now, my only option is an 0870 phone number, which I refuse to ring on principle.

Moments later, I have a stroke of genius: "Aha! Perhaps I can't add the account as it's not verified! I'll just pop my account details in here...". I do so, and get: "This bank account is already associated with a paypal account: please log into the account and dissociate the bank account in there". Which I can't fucking do, because they blocked it for no good reason.

I still haven't sold my processor - the sooner Google make an auction site, and combine it with Google Checkout the better.

Twats.
(Merrep, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 19:41, 2 replies)

Its easy !
simply set up a premium rate phoneline

to find out more

simply call 8888 444 3355
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 19:39, 4 replies)

Someone's put gambling up as a joke...
However it is what I do every day. And in terms of get rich quick, well most flat horse races are over in a minute or two.

Let me introduce you to Betfair. In essence it's gambling, but the classier punters trade. It introduces the idea of "laying" a horse - which is to bet a horse loses. You can act as a bookie. Think of how many losers you have picked in the past - you can now make money from these!

Most days I can do something like this - there is a football match, my "position" by half time is one that should A win, I win £300; B wins, I make £300, and should it end a draw, I take out £100. At this point I can happily switch off my laptop and enjoy the match. It can be even more lucrative in the horses - I set up a "book" (much like a bookie would) and back/lay each selection in a race for guaranteed profit.

There is no funny coming, just a genuine get rich quick scheme for you all - a lot of you seem very intelligent and switched on...if you can do your maths on the spin, and can have restraint in your betting (v. important), there are huge amounts of money to be made. Importantly perhaps, only the above skills are required - a knowledge of sport is helpful but not essential, as all you are doing are taking a position dependant on prices.

Start off with a tenner, get a feel for the site - and I am most sure any number of you kids could be ripping it up too.
(bacontrout got ska, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 19:04, 7 replies)

A fool and his money are soon parted
As an accountant, I spend quite a bit of time pissing all over the various “get rich quick” schemes that my friends and clients dream up. I don’t know why they bother asking for my opinion as they invariably ignore my advice and do whatever poorly thought out bollocks they think is going to make them overnight squillionaires anyway.

I have had to think hard about which tales of financial woe are appropriate for B3ta as they range from idle plans that never got off the ground to serious business adventures that ended in bankruptcy & marital breakdown. After careful consideration I have decided to tell you about “Farmer Bob”.

Farmer Bob has tried and failed to supplement his income with the following money making schemes:

1) Christmas trees: He planted a field of conifers in the hope of raking it in at Christmas. Unfortunately they never got harvested as the cost of felling & transporting the trees was not covered by the selling price. Oh well, at least he doesn’t have to buy a Christmas tree for the next 300 years.

2) Pedigree cat breeding: He spent a fortune on a pair of Burmese cats. Unfortunately some wiley tomcat managed to get to the female first and the little hussy gave birth to a litter of tabbies.

3) Angora Wool: He bought a flock of Angora goats; all went well until the night after their first shearing where they all died of hypothermia.

4) Pedigree dog breeding: He bought an expensive pedigree male puppy with the intent of hiring it out for stud to puppy farms. Unfortunately it was a breed that must be particularly fond of musical theatre as it refused to do the deed when presented with a lady dog in heat.

Poor old Farmer Bob, it’s a good job he has inherited wealth. His latest money making idea is to breed organic beef cattle. I can almost hear the foot & mouth sirens going off.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 18:53, 2 replies)

Well the girls
who sell photos of themselves not wearing much on ebay for about 20 quid for sending a JPEG file to the lucky perv's inbox seem to have the right idea. After all, if they're willing to pay for a photo like that when mostly it's free on the internets they can't be that familiar with it...

*fires up paint.net*
( Maladicta, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 18:34, 2 replies)

Piracy ahoy
A friend of mine works for a certain company (the deliverers of the Postal kind) and has a workforce of approx 100+ people with him in his department. His neighbour offers him a nice little earner; a certain football team had changed venue to a much larger stadium and released a 5 dvd celebratory package. They charged £89 for the bugger, but somehow someone had ripped all the scenes, dumped all the foreign languages and made it into 1 complete disk. Me mate's eyes light up as he legs it home and makes about 30 of them, cases printed out and included.
Word is spread about the office, and the orders come flooding in. Eventually he sold about 200 of them at £25 a pop the bastard. He bragged too that he didn't actually have to use a cashpoint for 2 months. Cucky lunt. Damn pirate yarrr.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 18:15, Reply)

Get rich quack scheme...
Free range duck eggs, £2 a half dozen
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Fri 1 Aug 2008, 18:08, Reply)

Glad my brother isn't a member!
I used the ever continueing war between my brother and step mother to my financial advantage. I would steal the porn mags from under my brother's bed and sell them for a handy profit at school. My brother, convinced that my step mother was throwing the mags away would always buy more "out of principle"!

The cash from this was then ploughed into my other lucrative sideline: I would buy cheap transformers (the electrical kind) that you used on train sets/scalectrix etc, then attach them to a rotating beacon aquired by climbing over the fence of the local tractor/digger factory and stealing them off the roof of completed diggers. Hey presto! Your own bedroom disco lighting! At £15 a time i did rather well out of the whole thing (this was the mid eighties). In fact, it wasn't until i left school and got a job that i became skint!

Lengh? They wern't that kind of magazine..
(Fraz1172 Speak Softly but wear a loud shirt, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 18:04, 2 replies)

I make thousands every day...
No, really! It is so simple, you only need to follow the 2 simple steps which will take you 10 minutes, and then you can just sit back and watch the money come rolling in!

Just call 0901 203 402 and listen to the instructions..




calls cost £10 per min and last 30 mins..
(Hugh.G.Rection Brother to Clendrix......., Fri 1 Aug 2008, 18:01, Reply)

Not quite 'cash converters'...
but I got together my last couple of quid to take an autographed first edition of 'Carrie' to a "reputable dealer" of books.
I struggled to get there by public transport with a double buggy (as I'd been asked by my ex to look after my daughters for a while and had to quit work and DHS hadn't started to pay out. They eventually did when I had 20p left in my pocket!!)
He spent a while looking at it, checking catalogues, before eventually saying he'd give me £15 for it.
Now I knew that was about 10% of its value even then, but I had the choice of treking home with a book or £15 more than I had in my pocket.
I eventually sod him a couple more, including a signed copy of 'Christine', and he paid £10 for the band wrapper off one of the Bachman books.

Twunt.
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Fri 1 Aug 2008, 18:00, Reply)

I made 600,000 in 1 year..
I once got involved in a search for a missing girl in Portugal..

I led them all up the garden path, got accused as the main suspect, and the british press 'tore me a new one' But hey, I won in court as I am innocent!?

Who said you can't get the money and the girl??

R.M
(Hugh.G.Rection Brother to Clendrix......., Fri 1 Aug 2008, 17:59, 2 replies)

Be chancellor of the exchequer
Then you can rob every fucker blind
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 17:45, Reply)

Open a cinema
.
Judging by the amount of cash I've just handed to my daughter to go to the cinema, there's serious money to be made.

£7 to get in. £7. Per head. Plus a few quid on sweeties (no teenager wants to show up with a bag of munchies supplied by good old mum the money machine!).

Admittedly there's a fair outlay first for the building, screens, hire (or whatever) of films etc but they must be making a bloody fortune!


Mumbles bitterly about corporate profiteering
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Fri 1 Aug 2008, 17:03, 12 replies)