My father-in-law of fifteen years has been a widower for the last quarter-century or so
He has never seemed interested in becoming more than friends with other women since his wife died and we thought this a loving and considerate position for him to take. Last Christmas I bought him an iBook and broadband so that he could videoconference with us and perhaps browse for rare books and music. Recently he asked me to tidy the machine up a bit as old people sometimes need. He had left his mail application running and I could not help myself noticing that he had been buying a very great deal of unusual items from ebay and elsewhere - lots of gay porn and sexual paraphernalia (rubber arse-less pants, butt-plugs etc). Telling my wife of my findings was...interesting, since then we have spotted so many smaller signs that he has chosen to 'branch-out' since being on his own that I'm more surprised we hadn't noticed earlier. We have never discussed this with him but I do call him my bender-in-law in private.
(Chopper3, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 10:59, Reply)

Olive - a sour, rounded, hard little fruit, usually soused in gin
.
Where to start? Is it compulsory to hate your mother-in-law, some sort of hidden genetic subconscious thing which drives us to dream of throttling the bitch?

Take my mother-in-law, the lovely Olive. (I wish someone would). She’s the most ignorant, useless, obnoxious, idle, loud-mouthed witch, but thankfully she lives 300 miles away so we don’t see her that often. But when she does come to visit, boy, does she get on my tits.

‘What do you fancy for dinner, Olive?’

‘Errrm anything, don’t you worry about me, I’ll just have what you’re having’

I hate answers like that. So fucking unhelpful.

So she gets whatever the family feast is tonight…..and I don’t care what it is, she doesn’t like it. She turns up her nose, pokes it suspiciously with a fork a few times, then whines’ Errrrm, I don’t like this, it smells funny, I think it’s off, can you just do me a plate of chips? None of those arty-farty oven chips, mind you, I want proper saturated full-fat cardiac-arrest jobs, fried in whale-dip’. But don’t mind me, I’m not that hungry…….

She can keep that up for hours. She can whinge and moan for England. Sits there like a deformed fat spider puffing away at her fags and dripping poison in whatever ear she can force into a corner. She’s hard of hearing, but won’t wear a hearing aid. She has a hide like a rhinoceros, totally oblivious to any hint or subtlety, the only way to get her attention is to kick her viciously up her fat arse, then shout very loudly in her wax-ridden ears, using language it’s impossible to misinterpret.

‘Why don’t you fuck off home, you miserable ratbag!!!’ ‘You’ve been here a month, don’t you think the rest of the coven are missing you?’

‘Eh? What did you say? Do I want another pie? Only if it’s better than the last one, it looked a bit off that one, anyone would think you’re trying to poison me!!! And do us some chips, I think my arteries are starting to loosen up a bit!! Hehehehehhehe…….sounds of demented cackling which seems to go on for weeks.

How can a demented old harridan like that be the mother of a sweet natured girl like my beloved?

It’s a
(Conundrum, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 10:13, Reply)

Pete Tong's Mother-In-Law
The title isn't a joke, my brother's MIL that I mentioned in my earlier post (just down there, looka!) has a vague and tenuous relationship to Pete Tong of DJing and rhyming slang fame (see end for the confusing explaination). She told me the following story.

Mr. Tong's three year old son, on hearing the doorbell, raced to the window to see who it was. Upon seeing that it was his father's MIL decided to inform him of this with the following charming phrase delivered in the broadest cock-er-ney accent a three year old boy can manage.

"Fuckin' 'ell it's Grandma!!!"

Terrifyingly true story.

For those not drunk the link is this: (concentrate now) my brother's mother-in-law's son is married to the sister of Pete Tong's wife. Easy, see?
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 10 Sep 2005, 9:32, Reply)

I wish she was mine!!!
I'm not allowed to have a mother-in-law on account of me being 'an horrific bender(tm)' so instead I can only tell you about my brother's.

The first time myself and our entire family met her was in the usual time honoured tradition of a drinking binge in the sunshine or their garden. After a lovely meal she had cooked we all let the alcohol take control and allowed our real personalities to shine through. With us being Northerners and them being Southerners, for my part, this mostly consisted of me doing a brilliantly accurate (and therefore terrible sounding) Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins style cock-er-ney accent. Okay I basically spent about three hours shouting 'ELLOOOOOOO MARYYYYYYYYY' at the top of my lungs whenever there was more than two seconds of silence. They actually smiled. Slightly. The first time. I also thought it would be hilarious to call my brother's prospective MIL 'my new mummy' at every available opportunity. Far from putting the shits up her, she actually seemed flattered by this.

So a few drinks later and the conversation is still going strong. Now, my parents are very straight laced. They were both virgins on their wedding night and have never tried anything stronger than lemsip. The MIL however, is a different kind of person. She decides now is the time to regale us with the following story...

She was twenty odd and living in funky 70's London when a man comes to her door. He's "sex on legs" with a mane of hair that reaches his waist and trying to flog a picture he's painted. The MIL says "he looked like a god, his painting was alright too" so she invites him in and tells him so, but also that she can't afford it. Without speaking this man simply produces "a massive spliff".

At this point my parents tense slightly.

Heavily under the influence (both in flashback and current time) the MIL informs us that, still without a word being spoken, they spontaneously start having sex. She goes into great detail telling us all how fantastic it was and then, with the caveat "I'm presuming it was because I was so high but I'm not totally sure" that during the deed they were actually floating several feet above the floor. I'm trying not to laugh and my parents are now openly exchanging glances. Seeming to sense this the MIL decides maybe she should end the story quickly and does so with the following phrase that will live with me forever.

"And then he turned into a fox and ran away."

She said this with such seriousness that I choked on my beer and fell onto the floor, spasming between laughing my arse off and trying not to die. The result? My parents in a shocking departure from their usual selves think she's brilliant. I of course love 'my new mummy' and think she's as mad as a box of frogs. Brill.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 10 Sep 2005, 9:15, Reply)

Late fiancee's mother
We never officially married because we were waiting for the cancer to pass, but her mother was quite a piece of work.

Both our mothers were, and both our mothers were against their four (each) kids shacking up before marriage, which all our siblings already had. Long before we reluctantly did (Chicago rents when we moved), both our moms asked us why we weren't living together yet. . .

I think the MIL liked me -- I got money for b-days and still get cards/emails. But she was a right b*tch to her eldest daughter, who may have been the reason her folks married (born a short time later). There were always subtle insults, even in front of my family. Nothing was good enough, but the younger sister, who resembled mom, and the younger brother, who likewise did, got better treatment than the fiancee and older brother, who resembled their late father (wish I'd met him -- seemed like a nice guy from the stories I heard).

Apparently. mom fought comstantly with dad but went into revisionist history after he died -- suddenly put up all kinds of pictures of him but had none when he was alive,went on about how happy they were.

After her daughter dies, MIL and her bachelor brother come to get some of the fiancee's things. The MIL starts going on about how fiancee resembled her father when it came to bad money judgement (she resembled her dad a lot -- thank god).

MIL then proceeds to get insulting about him (dead five years) and her (gone two weeks), going on about how stupid they were and how they left her and I with nothing (he left a railroad pension, a house he built himself and four kids; she left me $50,000 in insurance and lots of memories). Se keeps getting nastier and nastier, just short of foul language.

As they were leaving for their hotel, I whispered to the uncle that if she didn't stop denigrating the two deceased. . .

She shut up the next day -- always did like the uncle.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 9:12, Reply)

Mother In Law rearranged spells Not Clever At All, Reposted Several Times!!!
I feel sorry for my bf over his possible mother-in-law. I just hung up the phone with my mother, where the following conversation ensued:

ME: Well, if his brother's coming home from University, he may want to stay here for Christmas, although he already promised he'd come home with me.
MOTHER: What? He's coming home with you for Christmas? Were you even *planning* on telling me?

What is the date today? Ah, yes, September 10. It's more than three months before Christmas. Tickets have not been bought or even investigated. But obviously this remote possibility has panicked her so much that my visions of a happy family Christmas have been dashed. I'm wondering if she'd like him to stay in a hotel while we're there. Crazy woman.

In retrospect, this is utterly boring shit. I'm sorry.
(Mabel DelTaco, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 5:37, Reply)

Sort of in laws..
my girlfriends grandparents,

While on a regular visit i was doing my standing and smiling and nodding duty...

The subject of my girlfriends brothers bowel disorder came up (you know when you need a sheeit and can't? well imagine you have it 99% of the time, unpleasant)

It had been mentioned before (seems a point of extreme interest in old folk) they would occasionally send prunes to help out (despite him useing medication that would make a serveer mess were anyone else to take them) and tell us about it, "some liquorice allways flushes me out" e.t.c.

But oh no, this time an enema is suggested, i'm subjected to a 15 minute very detailed discription of how grandad would use soap to lube up a rubber hose, stick it up his arse then inject warm soapy liquid into his back passage.. then release the newly mixed sudsy arse broth.

My would be mother in law irons pants and socks... "just in case you were rushed into hospital..."

Aren't old people great ;)
(bigglestheflyingpoo, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 3:33, Reply)

Mine needs a captive bolt to the head.
Mine just keeps telling me thousands of pointless crappy little stories that make me want to bash her head in.

Last week she told me about her trip to the garage across the road to get bread, in which she managed to use the phrase "She said, she'd said, she said". It took well over 30 minutes of this drivel before I could escape to the pub.

She too is supposed to be watching her weight and it on a 1001 pills to keep her alive. However whenever I'm around i have to make sure I bring stuff to cook as she lives off chinese take aways (And we're not talking boiled rice here). The only edible foodstuffs in her cupboards are salt, vinegar, tommyK and mayo. Oh and maybe half a pint of out of date milk in the fridge.
(manaic5, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 2:43, Reply)

last laugh
My ex mother in law was hell - too late to mention her faults now. Before she died she had two young woman living in her flat looking after her - the day and night shift.

She died late on a Sunday afternoon, a time when it is just about impossible to get a even a private doctor, to come out to see someone; worse, NHS practices refuse to certify unregistered deceased people at the weekend; the funeral directors wouldn't take her body away without a death certificate; and her resident carers didn't want to spend the night with the body in the flat.

There was no other choice, being a kind person and doctor myself I had the glorious experience of certifying my mother-in-law dead.

Woo yay - a long time coming but too late to save the marriage
( xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 1:30, Reply)

Just legendary
M-I-L on seeing my son two days after birth: "He looks a lot less like his father now the swelling's gone down."

And the presents, dear god the presents...

Space Precinct figures ("Well, you like sci-fi...").
Furry handcuffs (Err, you know I screw your daughter, right?).
A mug with "Computer Boffin" on it (Now used as the work mug, for post-modern irony).

But on the other hand, she's also bought me a didgeridoo (okay, cool. WTF, as I've never expressed an interest in said instrument, but okay).

Oh, and a decorative four foot sword. The day before I needed a sword to conduct my handfasting to her daughter.

So, on the whole, I think I'll let her keep seeing her grandchildren, for the time being.
( Argh-wrath ... is a very lame Glorantha joke, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 0:24, Reply)

Right...
Typical haul of stuff we are made to take away with us after a visit to the in laws:

Packet of 6 obscure brand norwegian frozen doughnuts - semi defrosted
Three copies of 'yours' magazine (knitting patterns, cake recipes, 'Doctors said lose your baby or your legs type stories)
A pack of three assorted peppers
A fushia pink cardigan of some man made flammable textile, size medium ("it's too big for me but it might fit you")
A copy of Asda instore magazine
Pack of three 'Hike' (logo made to look like Nike) socks off the market
A wicker fruit bowl which has been adorned with a knitted snowman holding the fruitbowl in a fuzzy embrace.

Say. No. More.
(Kazza , loathing myself so you don't have to, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 0:13, Reply)

My Mother in Hell
...was a scary neurotic woman. The family was uberly academic and i wound up having to ask her father [A Physics Doctorate] for help with Higher Physic, her mother [a Languages Doctorate] for help with Standard Grade French.

When i was refused, i felt utterly stupid around them.

Like i need the grades!*




*I'm an English student now. Bah.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Fri 9 Sep 2005, 20:51, Reply)

My mother-in-law is a bitch.
She's rude to me, she's arrogant, and she's hated me from day one. She's everything you'd expect from a TV/film mother-in-law. You might say, she's as tired and cliched as this compo.
(matthyaouw, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 20:22, Reply)

Im only 15... i feel left out :(
However my sister has one and she (MIL) never even phoned her to say happy birthday on her birthday let alone give her a present.

Bitch.



Lurking over, shit post.
(Jimmai, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 19:50, Reply)

Culture Clash
My parents had a few minor MIL issues, mostly related to culture and language. My father's mother, a traditional American Southwest Catholic, spoke Spanish most of her life, and was decidedly conservative - very conservative, in fact.

One day, my mother's brother and wife arrived from the American Midwest. In an effort to ingratiate himself with my father's mother, my mother's brother put his arm around her shoulders and proclaimed that they were all happy senior citizens, together, regardless of culture and language.

My father's mother understood this sudden, forced camaraderie to mean that they wanted her to join them in a menage a trois. One of the privileges of speaking Spanish is that you can tell English speakers exactly what you think of them, to their face, and suffer no consequences. I followed enough Spanish to understand that some of her recommendations were physically impossible to accomplish.

What I've wondered about all these years has been - maybe it wasn't a cultural misunderstanding at all, and maybe they really did want her to join in a little fun.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 19:43, Reply)

I have the greatest Mother In Law
I don't speak Chinese, and she doesn't speak English. But she came over to stay with us for about a year after the wife had Foxy Jr., to help with the boy, and cook and so on.
( Foxglove -- it all ends in tears anyway..., Fri 9 Sep 2005, 19:37, Reply)

MIL - mad as a box of frogs
My MIL is lovely, but a bit obsessed in the cleaning stakes. She cleans her skirting boards with a toothbrush, believes you can't clean a kitchen in less than five and a half hours and owns three hoovers - one for upstairs, one for downstairs and one for outside.

Yes - outside.

In the winter, those pesky birds drop seeds and nuts from the bird feeder everywhere. The solution? Hoover the lawn.

Oh yes.

Mad as a goose on stilts.
( Sausagegirl, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 19:09, Reply)

Anagram of mother in law
MOTHER IN LAW... rejumble the letters..... = WOMAN HITLER.
(ginger crumbs, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 17:32, Reply)

Father In Law stories ?
My mother-in-law is nice as pie. Lovely lady and I won't have a word said against her.

My father-in-law is also v. nice. Mild-mannered accountant with thinning grey hair and thick glasses. He loves cricket, and loves lecturing me on pensions. Marvellous and very boring.

But don't get him angry: you wouldn't like it when he's angry.

Exhibit A:
He started a fight at my wedding. for no reason. With one of his son's friends.

Exhibit B:
We were staying in a nice hotel. He was asked politely to move the car. When they said they couldn't do it for him as they weren't insured on his car, he responded by flying into rage and tearing up pieces of paper on the lobby desk.

Exhibit C:
When Mrs Pappers was dumped by an earlier ex-b/f the F-i-l responded by having a quiet word with her brother and offering him money & alibi to get his friends to 'have a chat' with the ex-b/f to ensure he learns his lesson.


It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for.



.
(Flappers, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 17:26, Reply)

The first time
I met Mrs Tree Hugger's old dear she was sitting in her towelling robe inserting her hand into a latex glove of the surgical variety.

"Don't mind this," she said, "it's for the cat"
(tree hugger putting the "semen" in "basement"..., Fri 9 Sep 2005, 16:57, Reply)

MIL
Ive always told my missus if she ever turns out like her mother she's going under the patio. Firstest post ever! Woo yay.

Make no apologies for my length, your wife seems to like it all the same!
(sbigib, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 15:08, Reply)

Best MIL ever
My MIL has proved her greatness over the many years I've known her (16, but only an month as an actual MIL). Including:

1) On our first meeting, organising a van, a driver and moving house for me simply because I was a friend of her daughters and needed help, despite me bieng long haired, drugged up scruffy student and my stuff comprising of one bag of clothes, 7 boxes of hi-fi equipment 200+ bottles of homebrew, a keep left sign and the back seats out of a cortina cunningly fashoned into a sofa.

2) Disliking Mrs DeusExM's (then) husband to such an extent she started encouraging her daughter to have an affair with me.

3) Providing an array of resources to carry on said affair including babysitting, transport, the use of her house and countless alibis.

4) Drinking a litre of gin with me when I couldnt go out with my mates for my birthday once.

5) Cooking me massive pies at almost ever possible opertunity.

Bestest MIL ever. 100% Fact.
( Deus Ex Machine Washable, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 14:59, Reply)

My MIL....
is a nice woman, but in her quest to be nice has landed herself (and us) in some wierd situations.

Once, she thought it would be a good idea to come over and help us tidy up our flat when we were at work, only to go raking about slightly too much.

Needless to say, the conversation a couple of evenings later about our bedrooms antics being out own business, but the utensils used should be better hidden was an interesting one....

And she came across my stash of disco biscuits another time. Managed to tell her they were for my hay fever, so got away with that one.
(2headedturtle, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 14:53, Reply)

MIL
On return from her holiday my M.I.L. was showing off her new digital camera. She scrolled through several snaps she had taken of her trip to Florida, the last half dozen of which were of the inside of the apartment she had stayed in. When I asked her why she had taken these she replied (with a straight face) 'To use up the film.'
(LeeBones, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 14:52, Reply)

mother-in-laws to be
My other halfs Mum is trendy and young looking from far away, but you get up close and she has has over done the sunbeds and has skin like leather. She goes out more than me (I'm 22, shes late 40's) even though she can't handle her drink. Many a night have a been disturbed when stopping at my boyf's (we have our own house now, thank god!!) her screaming and arguing with my boyf's step dad/brother. Nice lady when she's sober tho!

Step Mum-in-law to be is Scotish, drinks pints, does our washing when we haven't got time, and always says "Murder" when we pester her to. Nice Lady!

Pretty feeble compaired to the majority, ah well!
(bectoria, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 14:46, Reply)

KIng of all lurkage
Tee hee hee - I defile the food of the mentally ill.

Hilarious!

You asswipe.
(MizStinky, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 14:38, Reply)

And my current M-I-L
is a big fat munter, who i hate, and she hates me back equally.
( wefbhweiufhweiu party, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 14:28, Reply)