You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » Off Topic » Post 1539599 | Search
This is a question Off Topic

Are you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.

(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
Pages: Latest, 785, 784, 783, 782, 781, ... 1

« Go Back | Popular

Come on offtopic wake up from your slumber...
Why is Comrade Quixote so unemployable? Can you suggest suitable alternative employment for him? Would you employ him? Why not?

Alt: Why should you keep your job/be fired?

Altalt: Recently had this band recommended to me - www.myspace.com/whitehills - I reckon Monty might enjoy them. Can you recommend a new band to me or another member of offtopic?
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:01, Reply)
Zzzzzzzzzzz

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:05, Reply)
I've got sausage and mash for lunch.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:06, Reply)
I DIDN'T ASK ABOUT YOUR FUCKING LUNCH
Thanks for joining in
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:08, Reply)
And roasted veg.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:11, Reply)
Gravy?

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:17, Reply)
Too right. And a little pot of crackling.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:18, Reply)
Greedy git.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:19, Reply)
It makes up for my Red Stripe dinner last night.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:20, Reply)
I thought you liked your dinner!
Harrumph.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:22, Reply)
It was great. Thank you, darling.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:23, Reply)
I wouldn't say he was unemployable
there just isn't much call for a Victorian moustache model in these austere times. Where do you think you are, 1885?

Alt: Because I am the King Daddy. It'd go to shit 'round here if I left.

Alt alt: MySpace? I thought they'd shut that down! I recently heard of a band from London called Big Audio Dynamite.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:16, Reply)
"...a new band" Where do you think you are? 1985?
In my experience most workplaces are much happier and more efficient once they lose the employee who reckons that "they wouldn't last five minutes if I left".
I'm sure that's not true about you though, Stunnso.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:24, Reply)
The graveyards are full of people
that were indispensible.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:30, Reply)
Not round my way, they're not.
They're full of the bodies of attractive student nurses whom I've bludgeoned to death and then buried in shallow graves once I've 'finished' with them.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:51, Reply)
Alt: they should keep me, as they seem to be happy with me so far. They'll probably fire me when they find out the truth.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:19, Reply)
You got promoted before your first tea break.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:20, Reply)
Yup.
He was made tea AND BISCUITS boy.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:23, Reply)
If you're the one handing out the
Rocky Robins, then which of you is senior?

They're chock-a-block, man.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:24, Reply)
If I carry on at this rate they'll let me do empty the bins by Easter.
Got given another department to manage yesterday.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:25, Reply)
Did you get a raise?

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:32, Reply)
Being sorted in April - new fiscal.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:33, Reply)
whatever happened to 'pay rise'? why don't we say that anymore?

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:45, Reply)
Bloody Americanisms.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:46, Reply)
They should keep me because I am the only one that knows what they are doing.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:23, Reply)
What are they doing?

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:24, Reply)
OK, a test of your knowledge.
You are going down on Monty's Mum whilst simultaneously chucking a few digits up Monty's Mum's bird.

You notice a piece of cabbage fall out of her nethers. Do you:

a) say nothing.
b) leave immediately.
c) finish off the tranny looking one and leave
d) a & c.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:28, Reply)
Nicely done Arthur. POTD.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:37, Reply)
Is it cabbage or a bit of stinging nettle leaf?

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:43, Reply)
Hahahahahaha.
Kerraaazy eyeties.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:45, Reply)
That boy is a fucking goldmine of anecdotes.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:52, Reply)
It's the genuine look on his face when he's telling the story.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:54, Reply)
He's welcome round my house any time he likes.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:04, Reply)
You enjoy a little light Bollock swatting?

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:11, Reply)
Hell yes.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:23, Reply)
Fuck knows
Alt: Because I'm fucking good at my job, I'm still the only one who knows how to fix the printers, and through changing suppliers I've saved the company thousands of pounds.

I should be fired due to the time I spend on here.

Alt Alt: The new Young Guns track 'Bones' isn't bad, in comparison to their old stuff, anyway.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:25, Reply)
I know how to fix printers.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:32, Reply)
most office juniors do

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:40, Reply)
I aspire to office junior.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:45, Reply)

aspire to want to suck the throbbing penis of the
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:46, Reply)
Ours is actually a chick.
How many extra staff have you got to groom?
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:48, Reply)
Another 14 in the office, 47 in regional management, plus all the restaurant teams.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:53, Reply)
Nice one.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:55, Reply)
Ta.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:56, Reply)
Good work sir.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:04, Reply)
Thanks.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:46, Reply)
Have you sent out the memo
yet telling your new staff they'll never get 5 stars on their uniform like you unless they ask customers if they want fries with their order?
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:59, Reply)
Re: altalt - actually it's pretty bad.
I got about 1min 40 into it, then it had to go off.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:48, Reply)
I think it's alright, not magnificent though

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:03, Reply)
He strikes me as a clock watching no interest stupid wanker, I'm out

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:39, Reply)
Alt
Most people seem happy with the work I produce is a reason to keep me. However, as is the curse of the contractor there is a certain amount of resentment from permanent colleagues who don't think paid leave, pension, sick pay and all the other benefits they get have any real value.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:46, Reply)
*glares resentfully at Jeff*
I bet they pay him loads, while we do all the work for fuck all pay...
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:50, Reply)
Alt alt: Sure
I recommend Darth Foxtrot.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:54, Reply)
I'd give him a go
But I'm not stirring your porridge.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:59, Reply)
theres a lot of prostitutes on that google streetview thing on links

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 13:59, Reply)
Because he is a chutney ferrett and I bet he nicks stationery too.
Alt: I should be kept on because of my 16 years of relevant experience, but fired for being a supercilious, workshy bully. Plus, I'm a massive nonce.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:05, Reply)
Alt alt: I'll give those whitehills chappies a try
The name is dimly familiar so I think I've been tipped about them before.

My brother is visiting our father in the US at the end of next week. Normally this would fill my heart with joy as I could order loads of records from (for example) Norton and Sundazed and have them brought back over without a hefty carriage bill.

BUT as I am no longer able to afford records I am GUTTED TO FUCK and SICK TO THE PIT OF MY STOMACH that I will not be expecting DICK DALE and FABULOUS WAILERS records in the near future. BAH.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:17, Reply)

DALE and FABULOUS WAILERS records
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:20, Reply)
You could not be more wrong.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:23, Reply)
Wouldn't one of them buy you a couple?
Also, can you tell me why Norton have done reissues The Pretty Things first and second albums, but not the third? Is it shit?
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:26, Reply)
They're both skint, I couldn't ask them.
I really want Out of Our Tree on 45. I really want it a lot.

RE Pretty Things - I don't think they made a shit album to be honest. I don't relly like SF Sorrow very much. Compared with their 45s of that period it's a bit dull I reckon. I wonder if their 3rd LP was on a different label from the first two and they can't get licenses sorted?
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:30, Reply)
There is a compilation of non-LP 45s from that period on Norton

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:31, Reply)
Then no idea, sozzers.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:33, Reply)
His moustache alone ought to make him employable
as what, I'm not quite sure.

I should keep my job because I'm working my fucking balls off at the minute. I highly doubt I'd be fired as then the entire lab would be totally boned as there's already too much work for the people we've got; they genuinely couldn't cope without me.

I really like the new Band of Skulls single, 'Bruises'. However the rest of their output I found to be distinctly average. Shame.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:17, Reply)
As the new face of Phileas Fogg crisps, that's what.
How are you today, ma'am?

My old, old pal went out with the bassist from Band of Skulls until they became 'big'. They are from Southampton (unless I am mixing them up with some other cunts). They supported the Black Keys last week but we missed them due to public transport woes. Never heard them myself.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:20, Reply)
Shite, mainly
but thank you for asking. How about you?

EDIT - and yes, I believe they are from Southampton. Indie pop. I doubt you'd approve.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:23, Reply)
Sore throat but OKish. Paid tomorrow, not that this makes shit-all difference to me.
I wish last Saturday was on again this weekend.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:31, Reply)
I hear you
I have to wait til Tuesday for mine, but by this time next week I daresay I will doubtless be skint again.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:33, Reply)
Do they not pay you boffins well then?

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:35, Reply)
We had this conversation at about 3am on Sunday morning
no, they do not.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:38, Reply)
That's right. I told you about my mate that lives in Texas.
I was a bit messed up.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:43, Reply)
And even armed with that info
Stunned was still unable to make you an attractive offer.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:18, Reply)
fuck, no
we have to whore ourselves out just to keep the lab in pipette tips.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:41, Reply)
Schedule something in the diary then.
My wife is away from the 10th to the 24th of March.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:40, Reply)
Do it before the 15th as I am on holiday after that. ;-)

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:44, Reply)
16th it is then.
Saturday 10th? Here? www.northlondontavern.co.uk/
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:46, Reply)
Looks suitably pretentious
I am not wearing a stupid pork pie hat though.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:50, Reply)
This is the same place that you asked me a few weeks ago when were going there

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:52, Reply)
Indeed.
And when you told me about the art gallery before Xmas.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:53, Reply)
I am in Iceland 12-15th I think

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:48, Reply)
10th?

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:49, Reply)
Providing I am not with my daughter I'm there.
I shall check my calendar and get back to ya.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:53, Reply)
I'm not unemployable you smelly hippy.
I have a job, at least until tomorrow.

Alt: because I'm useful, not indispensable, but useful.

AltAlt: I don't do new bands.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:42, Reply)
Is that why they should fire you or why they should keep you?
Is that the debate your bosses are having?
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:53, Reply)
His bosses are debating if having loads of hardcore gay porn in the office is a good enough reason to fuck him off.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:56, Reply)
I'd say not.
Look at the kids faces, they're enjoying themselves. They don't get out of the orphanage very often.

Bless!
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:59, Reply)
ha ha ha

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:12, Reply)
Basically I would imagine this is right.
I do 3 jobs, they could be split between 3 other people, but those 3 are already very busy. depends how much they have to save I reckon.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:00, Reply)
Alt: because I've brought in £2M in research grants over the last couple of years.
And I'm fucking good at what I do.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:45, Reply)
That's a lot of cocks sucked
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1539743
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 14:50, Reply)
Hell yeah.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:06, Reply)
... or what badger calls "monday morning"

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:12, Reply)
I do my whoring on a wednesday.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:16, Reply)
I read that in the style of Jugband Blues by Pink Floyd

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:18, Reply)
i read it in the voice of cletus the slack-jawed yokel
most folk'll never lose a toe but then again some folk'll
like cletus, the slack-jawed yokel.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:20, Reply)
Have you been drinking?

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:21, Reply)
just quoting your favourite tie-garnishing characters

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:27, Reply)
It's "eat a skunk"
Not lose a toe.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:23, Reply)
it bloody well isn't

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:27, Reply)
It's both
Two verses, see?
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:32, Reply)
not the verse i was singing
/grumbles
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:37, Reply)
It's awfully considerate of you...

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:35, Reply)
I am so bored that I have eaten five bags of crisps.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:01, Reply)
How did you afford 5 bags?
Have you been down the docks sucking sailors cocks again?
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:04, Reply)
Sainsbo's own brand. 12 pack reduced to £1.09.
Fucking hard times, man.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:07, Reply)
throw another dinner party
and i'll bring round all the m&s food again. or maybe waitrose this time, if the oven is fixed now!
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:08, Reply)
Is it fuck.
And now the sofa's broken too.

Fucking hard times, man.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:09, Reply)
how on earth did you break the -
you know what, i don't want to know!
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:11, Reply)
He was shagging Bella Emberg whilst Lusty was at work.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:13, Reply)
Sainsbo's own brand. 12 pack reduced to £1.09.
Fucking hard times, man.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:07, Reply)
1hr 25 mins to pub, for me...

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:05, Reply)
crisps make men impotent
just saying, like.

i had to break the detox diet for lunch with a client - first real meal in 50 days - omg. crispy salty tempura veg and sea bream with red hot chillis and garlic and spicy coriander rice and a salty caramel mochi... i may now be sick into my bin or fall asleep under my desk, but anyone around farringdon, i can recommend "cicada" so highly it's untrue!
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:06, Reply)
If I ate 50 bags it might bring me down to 'normal' levels then.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:08, Reply)
"normal" varies from man to man
of course, some men should be forcefed crisps to encourage impotence, for their own sakes and the sakes of all womenkind.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:11, Reply)
Normal for Rasputin, I meant.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:12, Reply)
There was a cat that was really gone

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:14, Reply)
I'm intrigued...
Why would crisps make you impotent?
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:16, Reply)
if you use the sharp edge to saw through the vas deferens

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:16, Reply)
OUCH.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:18, Reply)
i just wanted to show off that i know the phrase "vas deferens"
as badger thinks i only know the words "willy", "prick" and "cock".
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:20, Reply)
You only know that phrase because your ex boyfriend liked to lick them.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:21, Reply)
She knows that phrase because of the numerous occasions someone said
'there's a vas' difference between your boyfriend and a heterosexual'
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:26, Reply)
Boo!

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:27, Reply)
you 3 suck

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:28, Reply)
i would definitely pay him to clean out my car
Alt I should be kept on bc im awesome

Altalt theres this band called parachute and they sing this incredibly girly somg called kiss me slowly, it makes my ice cold heart melt a little everytime I hear,it

I deaxtivated my ,fb page, in case anyone is interested, id been taking the internet way too srsly
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:17, Reply)
Hello gorgeous

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:19, Reply)
hi!

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:19, Reply)
Wow it's like being sat on a sofa with a HOT CHICK on either side of me.
This must be how Dirty P-Diddy Daddy feels like.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:21, Reply)
oh my

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:23, Reply)
do you want his top end or his bottom end?
or would you prefer the back and i'll take the front?

or we could leave him behind and take echo out instead?
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:29, Reply)
echo
Its the only way
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:30, Reply)
yeah
she is way cuter than any testosterone infected hairy man
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:31, Reply)
ive just taken a video of her trying to bury her bone under my fitted mtress sheet
Bless, shes a bit daft
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:38, Reply)
Gutted.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:38, Reply)
I am wearing a suit.
This is such a rare occurence that I'm telling the internet.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:20, Reply)
phwoooooooooooooa-
oh wait. it's only kroney.

as you were.
(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:21, Reply)
big bang theory type suit or justin timberlake type suit?

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:24, Reply)
I fear it is a Star Trek suit.

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:25, Reply)
youre probably right

(, Thu 23 Feb 2012, 15:33, Reply)

« Go Back | Reply To This »

Pages: Latest, 785, 784, 783, 782, 781, ... 1